---
title: "30 Ifs Quotes By Christopher Titus"
description: "30 Ifs quotes by Christopher Titus. Plus more from Christopher Titus and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/03e/christopher-titus-1916_dies_my-father-thrives-on-fear-you-know-that_2454.jpg"
---

> [My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/my-father-thrives-on-fear-you-know-that-prayer-if-i-should-die-before/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/03e/christopher-titus-1916_dies_my-father-thrives-on-fear-you-know-that_2454.jpg)

> [If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/if-you-re-a-racist-right-now-in-2011-you-just-look-like-a-retard-man/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b54/christopher-titus-1916_ifs_if-you-re-a-racist-right-now-in-2011-you_138705.jpg)

> [If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/if-at-first-you-don-t-succeed-then-drag-racing-isn-t-for-you/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1c9/christopher-titus-1916_drag_if-at-first-you-don-t-succeed-then-drag_2042901.jpg)

> [Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/lady-if-you-laugh-and-you-don-t-make-a-noise-you-re-a-shaker-and-it-s/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/88a/christopher-titus-1916_ifs_lady-if-you-laugh-and-you-don-t-make-a-n_3012806.jpg)

> [If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/if-you-want-to-do-something-dangerous-don-t-tell-your-girlfriend/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/302/christopher-titus-1916_danger_if-you-want-to-do-something-dangerous-do_503713.jpg)

> [If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/if-you-ask-my-dad-for-help-he-ll-help-like-a-vulture-helps-an-over/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/98a/christopher-titus-1916_armadillos_if-you-ask-my-dad-for-help-he-ll-help-li_329445.jpg)

> [The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/the-united-states-ranks-14th-in-the-world-in-education-even-if-we/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5f3/christopher-titus-1916_bumps_the-united-states-ranks-14th-in-the-worl_2074901.jpg)

> [They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/they-call-it-torture-when-our-guys-put-underwear-on-a-guy-s-head/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/faa/christopher-titus-1916_eggs_they-call-it-torture-when-our-guys-put-u_2445695.jpg)

> [If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/if-you-want-something-bad-enough-you-ve-got-to-make-a-bold-move/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/05d/christopher-titus-1916_airport-security_if-you-want-something-bad-enough-you-ve_674902.jpg)

> [Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/ladies-if-you-re-at-the-mall-and-you-think-your-man-is-looking-at/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/519/christopher-titus-1916_girl_ladies-if-you-re-at-the-mall-and-you-thi_20157.jpg)

> [My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he'd take…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/my-father-never-chooses-me-for-anything-if-you-needed-a-kidney-and-i/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e2b/christopher-titus-1916_choose-me_my-father-never-chooses-me-for-anything_2294072.jpg)

> [It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/it-should-be-a-law-everybody-should-legally-own-a-gun-in-fact-if-you/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/44f/christopher-titus-1916_amendment_it-should-be-a-law-everybody-should-lega_2605333.jpg)

> [Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/screw-normal-you-know-why-cause-if-you-re-normal-the-crowd-will/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/80a/christopher-titus-1916_accept_screw-normal-you-know-why-cause-if-you-r_262824.jpg)

> [There's a one in six billion chance you'll find your soul mate. And that's if they're not dead. At best they're probably…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/there-s-a-one-in-six-billion-chance-you-ll-find-your-soul-mate-and/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/597/christopher-titus-1916_beads_there-s-a-one-in-six-billion-chance-you_1493832.jpg)

> [Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/normal-people-fear-the-day-their-parents-die-screwed-up-people-fear-2/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b0/christopher-titus-1916_boys_normal-people-fear-the-day-their-parents_2777615.jpg)

> [Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/blood-doesn-t-make-you-family-hell-an-only-child-can-bleed-it-s-the/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8a2/christopher-titus-1916_blood_blood-doesn-t-make-you-family-hell-an-on_1062233.jpg)

> [If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/if-you-want-something-bad-enough-you-ve-got-to-make-a-bold-move-just/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d2/christopher-titus-1916_agree_if-you-want-something-bad-enough-you-ve_3099576.jpg)

> [Here's the thing: If you're so far left you actually believe that somebody owes you a job, citizenship and a heart transplant,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/here-s-the-thing-if-you-re-so-far-left-you-actually-believe-that/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1c3/christopher-titus-1916_believe_here-s-the-thing-if-you-re-so-far-left-y_352130.jpg)

> [Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children because if you raise a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/being-a-parent-is-a-life-sentence-you-see-that-s-why-normal-people/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bb9/christopher-titus-1916_ass_being-a-parent-is-a-life-sentence-you-se_2570881.jpg)

> [You know what, man? I am going to literally — if (Palin) gets elected president, I am going to hang out on…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/you-know-what-man-i-am-going-to-literally-if-palin-gets-elected/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d9/christopher-titus-1916_country_you-know-what-man-i-am-going-to-literall_723980.jpg)

> [There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/there-s-a-one-in-six-billion-chance-you-re-gonna-find-your-soul-mate/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a67/christopher-titus-1916_billions_there-s-a-one-in-six-billion-chance-you_2939859.jpg)

> [Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/losing-builds-character-so-if-you-re-the-loser-in-your-family-don-t/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e7/christopher-titus-1916_asks_losing-builds-character-so-if-you-re-the_1680416.jpg)

> [My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/my-mom-was-a-manic-depressive-schizophrenic-who-after-a-year-in/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/960/christopher-titus-1916_alcohol_my-mom-was-a-manic-depressive-schizophre_1652860.jpg)

> [This country you're sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you didn't earn. This country was…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/this-country-you-re-sitting-in-right-now-was-not-built-on-love-hugs/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b48/christopher-titus-1916_ass_this-country-you-re-sitting-in-right-now_2162760.jpg)

> [I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/i-think-our-collective-psychosis-is-hilarious-with-the-world-moving/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6e4/christopher-titus-1916_collectives_i-think-our-collective-psychosis-is-hila_239517.jpg)

> [Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/life-is-easy-and-if-yours-isn-t-quit-whining-oh-wait-unless-you-re/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/727/christopher-titus-1916_bed_life-is-easy-and-if-yours-isn-t-quit-whi_844515.jpg)

> [So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/so-what-if-your-custom-car-shop-tanks-and-you-ve-gotta-take-a-crappy/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/34e/christopher-titus-1916_car_so-what-if-your-custom-car-shop-tanks-an_2183601.jpg)

> [Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/passion-manners-and-80-ounces-of-beer-will-win-the-heart-of-any-woman/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e66/christopher-titus-1916_beer_passion-manners-and-80-ounces-of-beer-wi_170370.jpg)

> [Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/anyone-can-have-a-relationship-but-if-you-re-dating-a-woman-who-s-so/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/412/christopher-titus-1916_bed_anyone-can-have-a-relationship-but-if-yo_1454248.jpg)

> [How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/how-far-would-you-go-for-someone-you-love-i-heard-this-story-about/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ff6/christopher-titus-1916_baby_how-far-would-you-go-for-someone-you-lov_389286.jpg)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by Christopher Titus

> [My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/my-father-thrives-on-fear-you-know-that-prayer-if-i-should-die-before/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/ladies-if-you-re-at-the-mall-and-you-think-your-man-is-looking-at/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/i-find-that-americans-are-all-in-the-middle-somewhere-except-for-the/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/my-father-a-hard-drinking-man-from-the-70-s-we-actually-have-no/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/everybody-i-ve-ever-met-was-destroyed-by-a-member-of-the-opposite-sex/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/psychiatrist-are-like-mind-hookers-give-them-200-dollars-and-they/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/all-of-dad-s-relationships-ended-exactly-the-same-subpoena-beep-of-a/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/texas-is-a-hell-hole-man-dirt-cactus-lizards-dirt-cactus-the-bush/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/sometimes-failure-makes-your-future-because-you-set-the-past-on-fire/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/when-you-are-a-screwed-up-person-you-have-a-responsibility-to-keep/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/if-you-re-a-racist-right-now-in-2011-you-just-look-like-a-retard-man/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/why-should-i-learn-english-i-m-never-going-to-england-shah-pffff-ur/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/passion-manners-and-80-ounces-of-beer-will-win-the-heart-of-any-woman/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/the-most-powerful-person-in-your-life-is-the-one-that-knows-all-your/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/haiti-fell-over-who-built-haiti-two-of-the-three-little-pigs/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

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                        "text": "The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!",
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                        "text": "Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you... he... loves you.",
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                        "text": "My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he'd take it 'cos he was dying. It's not that he doesn't love me, 'cos he does. It's just that special kind of love that feels like neglect.",
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                        "text": "It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point.",
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                        "text": "Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.",
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                        "text": "There's a one in six billion chance you'll find your soul mate. And that's if they're not dead. At best they're probably living in some Siberian ice cave eating bugs and weaving beads into their back hair. But they're out there. My dad believed that to find your perfect soul mate, first, you had to look through a bunch of other guys' soul mates.",
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                        "text": "Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ? If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.",
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                        "text": "Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you can't really love a brother or sister until you know that they're as scarred and broken as you are. And, hey, if you grow up with a father like mine and you aren't at least a little scarred and broken, well then, that's not your father. You were spawned by an entirely different guy.",
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                        "text": "If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with the people whose lives it's going to affect. Like George Washington, had to get all those guys who the British killed to agree to die. Neil Armstrong, had to crank a couple of elbows into Buzz Aldrin's face mask to make sure he got on the moon first. And Christopher Titus, well, he worked his dad for five grand. Ha ha. Who can't support who ? I know, it's complicated.",
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                        "text": "Here's the thing: If you're so far left you actually believe that somebody owes you a job, citizenship and a heart transplant, you're mentally ill. If you're so far right that you actually believe that somebody who doesn't have a job and is not a citizen deserves to have their heart cut out and sold on eBay, and you get to keep 80 percent of the profit - you're mentally ill.",
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                        "text": "Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children because if you raise a kid with only love and support, I guarantee that kid will be in rehab by the time he is 16. Why? Because you never introduced him to Mr. Back-of-Your-Hand. You know why I only broke into a liquor store once? 'Cause my father introduced me to Mr. Back-of-His-Hand and its wiley sidekick, Mr. Foot-in-My-Ass.",
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                        "text": "You know what, man? I am going to literally — if (Palin) gets elected president, I am going to hang out on the grassy knoll all the time, just loaded and ready — because you know what? It’s for my country. It’s for my country. If I got to sacrifice myself, it’s for my country.",
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                        "text": "There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three or four half perfect people. How far are you willing to go to actually find that perfect somebody... ies. If you're not willing to make a group of people your soul mate then you'd better plan on being alone. You'll always have television.",
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                        "text": "Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do no wrong brother of yours is going to show up at your house, bald, fat, divorced, with six kids who all hate him and he's going to ask you for money. And because of your character, you're going to look him right in the eyes and you're going to say, You know what, I'll give you some money. If you mow my lawn and detail my car. Oh yeah, then you can shampoo the tail. Loser.",
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                        "text": "My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an amazing poet, who was raised by this woman, and was dating a guy who broke up with her for the fourth time in three weeks. And one day, she came to his house, got a gun, and blew her brains out all over his headboard. I just went through a divorce, five years in court and cost me $2 million dollars. If anyone, by law, should be forced to take antidepressants it's me... But instead, I choose to be an antidepressant. And you can take me with alcohol.",
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                        "text": "This country you're sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you didn't earn. This country was built on shame, humiliation and striving to be better. By the way, if you're in this room right now and you're successful... you didn't get there because someone loved you too much or gave you too many hugs or you got a trophy when you lost. You did it because at one point in your life, somebody turned to you and said you're a loser, and in that second, you decided to bust your ass to make them choke on that sentence... Or, your parents gave you the money.",
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                        "text": "I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.",
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                        "text": "Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.",
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                        "text": "So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an ignorant, pushy people person.",
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                        "text": "Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.",
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                        "text": "Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.",
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                        "text": "How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car off of her baby. 'Course I would have said, Dude! Back up. But, wasn't my kid. When I was born, if I'd have known all the stuff my dad was going to do for me, I'd have crawled right back in.",
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