--- title: "11 Ifs Quotes By Augusten Burroughs" description: "11 Ifs quotes by Augusten Burroughs. Plus more from Augusten Burroughs and more Ifs sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1fc/augusten-burroughs-603_blind_if-i-were-blind-i-d-rather-have-another_636806.png" --- > [If I were blind I'd rather have another blind person leading me around because they know what I'm dealing with and they're…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/if-i-were-blind-i-d-rather-have-another-blind-person-leading-me/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1fc/augusten-burroughs-603_blind_if-i-were-blind-i-d-rather-have-another_636806.png) > [I wouldn't want to waste any of my brain cells on forgiving if it's holding me back.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/i-wouldn-t-want-to-waste-any-of-my-brain-cells-on-forgiving-if-it-s/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ccd/augusten-burroughs-603_brain_i-wouldn-t-want-to-waste-any-of-my-brain_2091850.png) > [I feel like they are two different things, and when I write books, they're just books. If they can be movies that's…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/i-feel-like-they-are-two-different-things-and-when-i-write-books-they/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/89c/augusten-burroughs-603_book_i-feel-like-they-are-two-different-thing_744830.png) > [I don't have a fixed routine. I write every day but I don't "write" every day, if that makes any sense. In…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/i-don-t-have-a-fixed-routine-i-write-every-day-but-i-don-t-write/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ea6/augusten-burroughs-603_email_i-don-t-have-a-fixed-routine-i-write-eve_746496.png) > [People generally like happy endings, which is something I learned from my years in advertising. I like happy endings myself, but only…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/people-generally-like-happy-endings-which-is-something-i-learned-from/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/327/augusten-burroughs-603_advertising_people-generally-like-happy-endings-whic_2216229.png) > [I don't read memoirs. But if you write a memoir, I would think you'd want people to know, "O.K., look, I've taken…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/i-don-t-read-memoirs-but-if-you-write-a-memoir-i-would-think-you-d/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc1/augusten-burroughs-603_books_i-don-t-read-memoirs-but-if-you-write-a_475072.png) > [I thought, I can't do advertising any more, so I was downloading all these PDF applications from community colleges. And I thought,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/i-thought-i-can-t-do-advertising-any-more-so-i-was-downloading-all/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35a/augusten-burroughs-603_advertising_i-thought-i-can-t-do-advertising-any-mor_2285655.png) > [Each time my mother went psychotic, I hoped it would be the last time. Afterward she would tell me, 'I think that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/each-time-my-mother-went-psychotic-i-hoped-it-would-be-the-last-time/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35a/augusten-burroughs-603_believe_each-time-my-mother-went-psychotic-i-hop_1552064.jpg) > [No matter what I've written, someone somewhere has come up to me and said, "Me too." The truth can be offensive, but…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/no-matter-what-i-ve-written-someone-somewhere-has-come-up-to-me-and/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eaf/augusten-burroughs-603_books_no-matter-what-i-ve-written-someone-some_2635472.jpg) > [ A lot of people can be afraid of the masking because people can misrepresent themselves \[in the Internet\] and they can pose… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/a-lot-of-people-can-be-afraid-of-the-masking-because-people-can/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f0/augusten-burroughs-603_damn_a-lot-of-people-can-be-afraid-of-the-mas_3047879.jpg) > [Women smirk at baldness. How adorable would they find it if they began to lose their breasts in their late twenties? If…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/women-smirk-at-baldness-how-adorable-would-they-find-it-if-they-began/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/847/augusten-burroughs-603_add_women-smirk-at-baldness-how-adorable-wou_2675182.png) ## Other authors on Ifs ## More by Augusten Burroughs > [There is nothing about myself that I wouldn't reveal or write about. I don't care how horrendous or ridiculous I may appear in person…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/there-is-nothing-about-myself-that-i-wouldn-t-reveal-or-write-about-i/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) > [“We were alone together, we were an us.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/we-were-alone-together-we-were-an-us/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) > [Like every child, I adored her. Until I formed a brain and got to know her.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/like-every-child-i-adored-her-until-i-formed-a-brain-and-got-to-know/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) > [“You must hang onto the scraps of the bucking moment as if your sanity and life depended on it - because actually they do.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/you-must-hang-onto-the-scraps-of-the-bucking-moment-as-if-your-sanity/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) > [Real optimism is not the pep talk you give yourself. It is earned through the labor involved in emotional housekeeping.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/real-optimism-is-not-the-pep-talk-you-give-yourself-it-is-earned/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) > [If you hate your life, you haven't' seen enough of it. If you hate your life, it's because your life is too small and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/if-you-hate-your-life-you-haven-t-seen-enough-of-it-if-you-hate-your/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) > [I think writers tend to be experience junkies, and I think they also tend to want to be on the outside looking in.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/i-think-writers-tend-to-be-experience-junkies-and-i-think-they-also/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) > [I think part of the reason I'm attracted to Foster is because he's such a mess. I mean, the people I have loved in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/i-think-part-of-the-reason-i-m-attracted-to-foster-is-because-he-s/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) > [“On typical days, (dust) is simply irritating. On Roid Rage days, it made me want to stomp down to the highway, pull drivers out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/on-typical-days-dust-is-simply-irritating-on-roid-rage-days-it-made/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) > [I'm like the guy who prepares your taxes or a dentist. I'm very conservative and boring in a lot of ways.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/i-m-like-the-guy-who-prepares-your-taxes-or-a-dentist-i-m-very/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) > [“Nothing surprises me now," I tell him. I am stoic. I am Joan of Arc, with liver damage and an unused penis.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/nothing-surprises-me-now-i-tell-him-i-am-stoic-i-am-joan-of-arc-with/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) > [“It's not that I was an outright nitwit of a child.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/it-s-not-that-i-was-an-outright-nitwit-of-a-child/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) > [What I really want is to sit next to someone under an L.L. bean blanket on the beach in the fall and drink coffee…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/what-i-really-want-is-to-sit-next-to-someone-under-an-l-l-bean/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) > [“My worth depended on where exactly the decimal was placed among the zeroes.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/my-worth-depended-on-where-exactly-the-decimal-was-placed-among-the/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) > [“Bookman isn't a stable man. He has a lot of problems that run very, very deep." But he was really good at giving head.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/bookman-isn-t-a-stable-man-he-has-a-lot-of-problems-that-run-very/) [Augusten Burroughs](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/augusten-burroughs/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/augusten-burroughs/#itemlist", "name": "11 Ifs Quotes By Augusten Burroughs", "numberOfItems": 11, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If I were blind I'd rather have another blind person leading me around because they know what I'm dealing with and they're experiencing the same things.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Augusten Burroughs" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/if-i-were-blind-i-d-rather-have-another-blind-person-leading-me/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1fc/augusten-burroughs-603_blind_if-i-were-blind-i-d-rather-have-another_636806.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1fc/augusten-burroughs-603_blind_if-i-were-blind-i-d-rather-have-another_636806.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1fc/augusten-burroughs-603_blind_if-i-were-blind-i-d-rather-have-another_636806.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If I were blind I'd rather have another blind person leading me around because they know what I'm dealing…” — Augusten Burroughs", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I wouldn't want to waste any of my brain cells on forgiving if it's holding me back.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Augusten Burroughs" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/i-wouldn-t-want-to-waste-any-of-my-brain-cells-on-forgiving-if-it-s/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ccd/augusten-burroughs-603_brain_i-wouldn-t-want-to-waste-any-of-my-brain_2091850.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ccd/augusten-burroughs-603_brain_i-wouldn-t-want-to-waste-any-of-my-brain_2091850.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ccd/augusten-burroughs-603_brain_i-wouldn-t-want-to-waste-any-of-my-brain_2091850.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I wouldn't want to waste any of my brain cells on forgiving if it's holding me back.” — Augusten Burroughs", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I feel like they are two different things, and when I write books, they're just books. 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In other words, I email with my friends constantly and sometimes I'll pull out something I've written and save it.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Augusten Burroughs" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/i-don-t-have-a-fixed-routine-i-write-every-day-but-i-don-t-write/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ea6/augusten-burroughs-603_email_i-don-t-have-a-fixed-routine-i-write-eve_746496.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ea6/augusten-burroughs-603_email_i-don-t-have-a-fixed-routine-i-write-eve_746496.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ea6/augusten-burroughs-603_email_i-don-t-have-a-fixed-routine-i-write-eve_746496.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I don't have a fixed routine. I write every day but I don't \"write\" every day, if that makes any sense. 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I'm just as happy with a terrible, hopeless ending.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Augusten Burroughs" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/people-generally-like-happy-endings-which-is-something-i-learned-from/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/327/augusten-burroughs-603_advertising_people-generally-like-happy-endings-whic_2216229.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/327/augusten-burroughs-603_advertising_people-generally-like-happy-endings-whic_2216229.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/327/augusten-burroughs-603_advertising_people-generally-like-happy-endings-whic_2216229.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“People generally like happy endings, which is something I learned from my years in advertising. 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But if you write a memoir, I would think you'd want people to know, \"O.K., look, I've taken some liberties here.\" It's just a matter of being open with your readers.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Augusten Burroughs" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/i-don-t-read-memoirs-but-if-you-write-a-memoir-i-would-think-you-d/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc1/augusten-burroughs-603_books_i-don-t-read-memoirs-but-if-you-write-a_475072.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc1/augusten-burroughs-603_books_i-don-t-read-memoirs-but-if-you-write-a_475072.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bc1/augusten-burroughs-603_books_i-don-t-read-memoirs-but-if-you-write-a_475072.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I don't read memoirs. 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I'll get a two-year associate degree, if I can get in.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Augusten Burroughs" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/i-thought-i-can-t-do-advertising-any-more-so-i-was-downloading-all/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35a/augusten-burroughs-603_advertising_i-thought-i-can-t-do-advertising-any-mor_2285655.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35a/augusten-burroughs-603_advertising_i-thought-i-can-t-do-advertising-any-mor_2285655.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35a/augusten-burroughs-603_advertising_i-thought-i-can-t-do-advertising-any-mor_2285655.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I thought, I can't do advertising any more, so I was downloading all these PDF applications from community…” — Augusten Burroughs", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Each time my mother went psychotic, I hoped it would be the last time. Afterward she would tell me, 'I think that was the final episode. I think I had a breakthrough.' And I would believe-for a few months-that it was true. That she was back to stay. Maybe it was like having a rock star mother who was always on the road. Were there Benatar children? Did they sit around and wonder if their mom's Hell is for Children tour was going to be her last tour?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Augusten Burroughs" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/each-time-my-mother-went-psychotic-i-hoped-it-would-be-the-last-time/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35a/augusten-burroughs-603_believe_each-time-my-mother-went-psychotic-i-hop_1552064.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35a/augusten-burroughs-603_believe_each-time-my-mother-went-psychotic-i-hop_1552064.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/35a/augusten-burroughs-603_believe_each-time-my-mother-went-psychotic-i-hop_1552064.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Each time my mother went psychotic, I hoped it would be the last time. Afterward she would tell me, 'I think…” — Augusten Burroughs", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "No matter what I've written, someone somewhere has come up to me and said, \"Me too.\" The truth can be offensive, but it's always nourishing, in a way. You recognize it. You can feel it. And even if [readers] think, \"My god, I would never get in those situations,\" within those ridiculous circumstances that I have created for myself, they know the way I respond is probably what they would do too.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Augusten Burroughs" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/no-matter-what-i-ve-written-someone-somewhere-has-come-up-to-me-and/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eaf/augusten-burroughs-603_books_no-matter-what-i-ve-written-someone-some_2635472.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eaf/augusten-burroughs-603_books_no-matter-what-i-ve-written-someone-some_2635472.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eaf/augusten-burroughs-603_books_no-matter-what-i-ve-written-someone-some_2635472.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“No matter what I've written, someone somewhere has come up to me and said, \"Me too.\" The truth can be…” — Augusten Burroughs", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "A lot of people can be afraid of the masking because people can misrepresent themselves [in the Internet] and they can pose as people they're not. Well, yeah; that's true. That's one side of it. But the other side of it is that it equalizes you and if you happen to be a person who is not equal in the eyes of the greater society that's a damn good thing.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Augusten Burroughs" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/a-lot-of-people-can-be-afraid-of-the-masking-because-people-can/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f0/augusten-burroughs-603_damn_a-lot-of-people-can-be-afraid-of-the-mas_3047879.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f0/augusten-burroughs-603_damn_a-lot-of-people-can-be-afraid-of-the-mas_3047879.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f0/augusten-burroughs-603_damn_a-lot-of-people-can-be-afraid-of-the-mas_3047879.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A lot of people can be afraid of the masking because people can misrepresent themselves [in the Internet]…” — Augusten Burroughs", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Women smirk at baldness. How adorable would they find it if they began to lose their breasts in their late twenties? If both tits just shrunk up - unevenly I might add - and eventually turned into wine-cork nubs. Then it would be a different story. Then men would get the pity that they deserve. As far as I'm concerned, baldness is the male breast cancer only worse, because almost everyone gets it. True, it's not life threatening. Just social-life threatening. But in New York City, there is no difference.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Augusten Burroughs" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/augusten-burroughs/women-smirk-at-baldness-how-adorable-would-they-find-it-if-they-began/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/847/augusten-burroughs-603_add_women-smirk-at-baldness-how-adorable-wou_2675182.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/847/augusten-burroughs-603_add_women-smirk-at-baldness-how-adorable-wou_2675182.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/847/augusten-burroughs-603_add_women-smirk-at-baldness-how-adorable-wou_2675182.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Women smirk at baldness. How adorable would they find it if they began to lose their breasts in their late…” — Augusten Burroughs", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/augusten-burroughs/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/augusten-burroughs/", "name": "Ifs Quotes by Augusten Burroughs", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/ifs/augusten-burroughs/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1fc/augusten-burroughs-603_blind_if-i-were-blind-i-d-rather-have-another_636806.png" }, "description": "11 Ifs quotes by Augusten Burroughs. 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