---
title: "25 Ifs Quotes By Anthony Jeselnik"
description: "25 Ifs quotes by Anthony Jeselnik. Plus more from Anthony Jeselnik and more Ifs sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3da/anthony-jeselnik-1838_ifs_i-would-never-hit-a-woman-even-if-she-ha_714604.png"
---

> [I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-would-never-hit-a-woman-even-if-she-had-a-knife-or-a-stutter/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3da/anthony-jeselnik-1838_ifs_i-would-never-hit-a-woman-even-if-she-ha_714604.png)

> [My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-girlfriend-wants-an-open-relationship-i-said-no-way-what-kind-of/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d6e/anthony-jeselnik-1838_date_my-girlfriend-wants-an-open-relationship_1228379.png)

> [Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/stereotypes-wouldn-t-be-so-bad-if-black-people-were-nicer-in-general/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/016/anthony-jeselnik-1838_black_stereotypes-wouldn-t-be-so-bad-if-black_289118.png)

> [My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-girlfriend-asked-me-if-i-only-love-her-for-her-body-i-said-no-baby/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4ac/anthony-jeselnik-1838_baby_my-girlfriend-asked-me-if-i-only-love-he_1974036.png)

> [I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-think-the-reason-i-became-funny-was-because-if-i-made-people-laugh/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/465/anthony-jeselnik-1838_comedy_i-think-the-reason-i-became-funny-was-be_746947.png)

> [Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/every-sunday-my-dad-calls-to-ask-if-i-went-to-church-and-every-sunday/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cb2/anthony-jeselnik-1838_asks_every-sunday-my-dad-calls-to-ask-if-i-we_647055.png)

> [Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/whenever-i-meet-a-pretty-girl-the-first-thing-i-look-for-is/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0b3/anthony-jeselnik-1838_firsts_whenever-i-meet-a-pretty-girl-the-first_2699155.png)

> [What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/what-do-i-care-if-someone-doesn-t-like-me-if-i-like-someone-other/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bba/anthony-jeselnik-1838_care_what-do-i-care-if-someone-doesn-t-like-m_1647375.png)

> [On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/on-twitter-when-someone-would-die-i-would-write-a-joke-or-if-there-s/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ed6/anthony-jeselnik-1838_certain_on-twitter-when-someone-would-die-i-woul_1147568.png)

> [I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-try-to-write-three-jokes-every-morning-although-i-don-t-know-what/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d07/anthony-jeselnik-1838_assuming_i-try-to-write-three-jokes-every-morning_1471789.png)

> [I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-didn-t-care-about-the-backlash-i-think-the-reason-it-was-so-severe/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/532/anthony-jeselnik-1838_backlash_i-didn-t-care-about-the-backlash-i-think_364697.png)

> [There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/there-is-nothing-that-s-off-limits-if-people-think-something-is-off/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c3d/anthony-jeselnik-1838_ifs_there-is-nothing-that-s-off-limits-if-pe_1066396.png)

> [Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki\*\*' and expected to go back to work. That’s…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/charlie-sheen-called-his-boss-on-two-and-a-half-men-a-jew-ki-and/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/436/anthony-jeselnik-1838_back-to-work_charlie-sheen-called-his-boss-on-two-and_3126472.png)

> [I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-ve-got-a-long-history-of-suicid-in-my-family-the-good-news-is-it/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/992/anthony-jeselnik-1838_family_i-ve-got-a-long-history-of-suicid-in-my_2714102.png)

> [My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-mom-s-been-having-a-hard-time-lately-she-just-found-out-that-she/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/845/anthony-jeselnik-1838_be-good_my-mom-s-been-having-a-hard-time-lately_1385403.png)

> [I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-want-people-to-just-be-paying-attention-even-if-they-re-not/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e23/anthony-jeselnik-1838_attention_i-want-people-to-just-be-paying-attentio_14579.jpg)

> [I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-have-that-need-in-me-i-want-everyone-to-love-me-but-i-m-embarrassed/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/980/anthony-jeselnik-1838_able_i-have-that-need-in-me-i-want-everyone-t_1356.jpg)

> [A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/a-couple-of-months-ago-i-gave-my-girlfriend-some-fancy-lingerie-and/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8c7/anthony-jeselnik-1838_couple_a-couple-of-months-ago-i-gave-my-girlfri_1914078.jpg)

> [If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/if-i-tell-a-joke-on-stage-and-the-crowd-laughs-for-a-minute-i-stand/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/adc/anthony-jeselnik-1838_comedy_if-i-tell-a-joke-on-stage-and-the-crowd_2515438.png)

> [I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-ve-always-been-fascinated-by-dark-subjects-especially-people-s/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/988/anthony-jeselnik-1838_dark_i-ve-always-been-fascinated-by-dark-subj_1034966.png)

> [People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/people-are-surprised-that-i-m-nice-and-it-helps-me-out-a-little-bit/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/422/anthony-jeselnik-1838_being-nice_people-are-surprised-that-i-m-nice-and-i_1027639.png)

> [ Silence means they \[the audience\] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/silence-means-they-the-audience-are-paying-attention-even-if-i-drop/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a07/anthony-jeselnik-1838_attention_silence-means-they-the-audience-are-payi_2096332.png)

> [If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/if-your-house-is-on-fire-and-you-can-only-escape-with-your-life-and/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/19b/anthony-jeselnik-1838_fire_if-your-house-is-on-fire-and-you-can-onl_404120.png)

> [I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-never-go-see-live-comedy-shows-because-i-just-sit-in-the-audience/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b93/anthony-jeselnik-1838_audience_i-never-go-see-live-comedy-shows-because_853729.png)

> [Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/donald-i-m-not-sure-if-you-re-even-aware-of-this-but-the-only/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1f4/anthony-jeselnik-1838_cancer_donald-i-m-not-sure-if-you-re-even-aware_1863968.png)

## Other authors on Ifs

## More by Anthony Jeselnik

> [I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-have-that-need-in-me-i-want-everyone-to-love-me-but-i-m-embarrassed/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-want-people-to-just-be-paying-attention-even-if-they-re-not/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-have-a-twelve-year-old-sex-doll-brand-new/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/perhaps-i-m-being-too-optimistic-but-i-think-this-country-is-finally/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/father-s-day-makes-me-wish-i-could-talk-to-my-dad-just-one-more-time/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/about-a-year-after-i-moved-to-los-angeles-i-decided-i-wanted-to-be-a/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/when-i-was-little-i-would-burn-ants-with-a-magnifying-glass-but-now/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-m-fascinated-by-offensive-subject-matter-always-have-been-it-is/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-got-into-comedy-because-i-wanted-to-get-into-writing/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-actually-never-acted-on-deadwood-i-have-meetings-all-the-time-where/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-was-a-weird-kid-because-i-liked-to-be-alone-but-i-craved-attention/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-know-her-in-the-biblical-senseand-when-i-say-that-i-mean-i-don-t/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-love-pittsburgh-most-of-my-family-still-lives-there-and-i-try-to/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-think-brilliant-stuff-comes-out-of-working-with-limitations-one/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-love-anyone-who-surprises-me-and-makes-me-laugh/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

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                        "text": "Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.",
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                        "text": "What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.",
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                        "text": "I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.",
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                        "text": "I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me in New Zealand. If I had made jokes about a shark attack in the US, no one would have cared.",
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                        "text": "There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.",
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                        "text": "Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.",
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                        "text": "I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.",
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                        "text": "My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.",
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                        "text": "I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don't mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that's just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more.",
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                        "text": "I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.",
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                        "text": "A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'",
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                        "text": "If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.",
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                        "text": "I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?",
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                        "text": "Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.",
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