---
title: "11 I can Quotes By Anthony Jeselnik"
description: "11 I can quotes by Anthony Jeselnik. Plus more from Anthony Jeselnik and more I can sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f8f/anthony-jeselnik-1838_being-a-better-perso_my-girlfriend-makes-me-want-to-be-a-bett_2175040.png"
---

> [My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-girlfriend-makes-me-want-to-be-a-better-person-so-i-can-get-a/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f8f/anthony-jeselnik-1838_being-a-better-perso_my-girlfriend-makes-me-want-to-be-a-bett_2175040.png)

> [My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/my-girlfriend-was-just-killed-in-a-car-accident-devastating-i-can-t/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ad5/anthony-jeselnik-1838_accident_my-girlfriend-was-just-killed-in-a-car-a_1876528.png)

> [I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-can-t-talk-politics-with-my-cousin-because-he-s-such-a-hypocrite-he/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/056/anthony-jeselnik-1838_against-death-penalt_i-can-t-talk-politics-with-my-cousin-bec_295637.png)

> [I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-feel-worthless-my-girlfriend-was-attacked-on-the-subway-yesterday/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/915/anthony-jeselnik-1838_attacked_i-feel-worthless-my-girlfriend-was-attac_1374548.png)

> [I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-can-drink-like-a-fish-or-at-least-someone-born-with-fetal-alcohol/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6cd/anthony-jeselnik-1838_alcohol_i-can-drink-like-a-fish-or-at-least-some_706569.png)

> [Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/comedy-central-made-me-delete-the-boston-marathon-joke-i-wasn-t-happy/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/39b/anthony-jeselnik-1838_belief_comedy-central-made-me-delete-the-boston_2039171.png)

> [Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/doctor-just-told-me-i-can-t-have-kids-i-asked-for-a-second-opinion-he/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/725/anthony-jeselnik-1838_doctor_doctor-just-told-me-i-can-t-have-kids-i_326691.png)

> [I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-try-to-retire-jokes-as-soon-as-i-can-once-i-put-them-on-an-album/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/12c/anthony-jeselnik-1838_albums_i-try-to-retire-jokes-as-soon-as-i-can-o_1981853.png)

> [I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-try-to-write-three-jokes-every-morning-although-i-don-t-know-what/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d07/anthony-jeselnik-1838_assuming_i-try-to-write-three-jokes-every-morning_1471789.png)

> [On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/on-the-show-you-have-to-be-more-charismatic-a-little-smoother-but-i/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e7b/anthony-jeselnik-1838_charismatic_on-the-show-you-have-to-be-more-charisma_328006.png)

> [I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-can-stand-by-a-tweet-but-comedy-central-said-they-couldn-t-publicly/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/085/anthony-jeselnik-1838_comedy_i-can-stand-by-a-tweet-but-comedy-centra_2784781.png)

## Other authors on I can

## More by Anthony Jeselnik

> [I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-have-that-need-in-me-i-want-everyone-to-love-me-but-i-m-embarrassed/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-want-people-to-just-be-paying-attention-even-if-they-re-not/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-have-a-twelve-year-old-sex-doll-brand-new/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/perhaps-i-m-being-too-optimistic-but-i-think-this-country-is-finally/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/father-s-day-makes-me-wish-i-could-talk-to-my-dad-just-one-more-time/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/about-a-year-after-i-moved-to-los-angeles-i-decided-i-wanted-to-be-a/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/when-i-was-little-i-would-burn-ants-with-a-magnifying-glass-but-now/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-m-fascinated-by-offensive-subject-matter-always-have-been-it-is/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-got-into-comedy-because-i-wanted-to-get-into-writing/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-actually-never-acted-on-deadwood-i-have-meetings-all-the-time-where/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-was-a-weird-kid-because-i-liked-to-be-alone-but-i-craved-attention/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-know-her-in-the-biblical-senseand-when-i-say-that-i-mean-i-don-t/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-love-pittsburgh-most-of-my-family-still-lives-there-and-i-try-to/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-think-brilliant-stuff-comes-out-of-working-with-limitations-one/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

> [I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anthony-jeselnik/i-love-anyone-who-surprises-me-and-makes-me-laugh/)

[Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anthony-jeselnik/)

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