---
title: "38 Humor Quotes By Ilona Andrews"
description: "Humor quotes showcase absurd punishments, exaggerated threats, and vivid over‑the‑top scenarios."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d06/ilona-andrews-150_gym_i-m-mr-ripped-i-live-in-the-gym-my-teeth_3167381.png"
---

> [“I'm Mr.Ripped. I live in the gym. My teeth have biceps and my biceps have teeth. I chew up weights and shit…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/i-m-mr-ripped-i-live-in-the-gym-my-teeth-have-biceps-and-my-biceps/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d06/ilona-andrews-150_gym_i-m-mr-ripped-i-live-in-the-gym-my-teeth_3167381.png)

> [“I suggest you give up now. According to my research, in a vampire-werewolf love triangle, the vampire always gets the girl.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/i-suggest-you-give-up-now-according-to-my-research-in-a-vampire/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4fe/ilona-andrews-150_humor_i-suggest-you-give-up-now-according-to-m_2440483.png)

> [“Rogan gave him a flat stare. Lesser men would’ve fled for their life, but Augustine was clearly made of sterner stuff.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/rogan-gave-him-a-flat-stare-lesser-men-would-ve-fled-for-their-life/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7b1/ilona-andrews-150_humor_rogan-gave-him-a-flat-stare-lesser-men-w_1025099.png)

> [Did the Order return your sense of humor as part of the severance package?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/did-the-order-return-your-sense-of-humor-as-part-of-the-severance/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ba9/ilona-andrews-150_comedy_did-the-order-return-your-sense-of-humor_3194638.png)

> [“I hit him on the back of the neck. He submerged. Help. I've drowned the Beast Lord. ”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/i-hit-him-on-the-back-of-the-neck-he-submerged-help-i-ve-drowned-the/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c04/ilona-andrews-150_curran_i-hit-him-on-the-back-of-the-neck-he-sub_3019444.png)

> [“Just wait until he figures out I shut him out of his slut hut.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/just-wait-until-he-figures-out-i-shut-him-out-of-his-slut-hut/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/556/ilona-andrews-150_humor_just-wait-until-he-figures-out-i-shut-hi_3112990.png)

> [“Hey, would you look at that shit?" I turned on my heel. The patrons who’d fled at the first hint of trouble…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/hey-would-you-look-at-that-shit-i-turned-on-my-heel-the-patrons-who-d/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/105/ilona-andrews-150_humor_hey-would-you-look-at-that-shit-i-turned_867898.jpg)

> [“You will show that thing to me and from now on, I will deal with them." I opened my eyes really wide…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/you-will-show-that-thing-to-me-and-from-now-on-i-will-deal-with-them/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/24c/ilona-andrews-150_coronation_you-will-show-that-thing-to-me-and-from_987448.png)

> [“For me hotness was a complicated matter involving brains, humor, and some other things, but all that aside, I was willing to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/for-me-hotness-was-a-complicated-matter-involving-brains-humor-and/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/74a/ilona-andrews-150_hotness_for-me-hotness-was-a-complicated-matter_2947045.png)

> [“Built in an elegant fusion of Italianate, French, and early Disney styles, this magnificent estate offers a thousand bathrooms for all of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/built-in-an-elegant-fusion-of-italianate-french-and-early-disney/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a5f/ilona-andrews-150_elegance_built-in-an-elegant-fusion-of-italianate_500420.png)

> [“I once took a city with five men and a lame goat. If I can do that, you can convince the necromancers…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/i-once-took-a-city-with-five-men-and-a-lame-goat-if-i-can-do-that-you/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d0f/ilona-andrews-150_humor_i-once-took-a-city-with-five-men-and-a-l_1202364.png)

> [“Go play your games with Jim. I'll find you both when I need you." Arrogant asshole. "I tell you what, if you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/go-play-your-games-with-jim-i-ll-find-you-both-when-i-need-you/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d80/ilona-andrews-150_asshole_go-play-your-games-with-jim-i-ll-find-yo_1932504.png)

> [“And how is His Great Fussiness today?” Derek’s eyes sparked a bit. “His Majesty is in an ill humor. Rumors are flying…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/and-how-is-his-great-fussiness-today-derek-s-eyes-sparked-a-bit-his/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6db/ilona-andrews-150_fussiness_and-how-is-his-great-fussiness-today-der_262040.png)

> [“Kate& Derek “No, Kate, you don’t understand. He vanished. He was there one moment and then he was gone.” I couldn’t resist.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/kate-derek-no-kate-you-don-t-understand-he-vanished-he-was-there-one/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3ac/ilona-andrews-150_gone_kate-derek-no-kate-you-don-t-understand_2638966.png)

> [“You want me to go back into that house protected by a magic sticky note?” “Don’t even start,” I told him. “It’s…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/you-want-me-to-go-back-into-that-house-protected-by-a-magic-sticky/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0cd/ilona-andrews-150_asshole_you-want-me-to-go-back-into-that-house-p_1333730.png)

> [“A rolled-up newspaper landed on my head and then on Jim’s. “None of that in my house!” Oh my gods. The alpha…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/a-rolled-up-newspaper-landed-on-my-head-and-then-on-jim-s-none-of/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/59a/ilona-andrews-150_dali_a-rolled-up-newspaper-landed-on-my-head_1525552.jpg)

> [“It seems that the young woman made some indelicate suggestion of a threesome...When I got there, Miss Nash was standing by the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/it-seems-that-the-young-woman-made-some-indelicate-suggestion-of-a/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/414/ilona-andrews-150_business_it-seems-that-the-young-woman-made-some_3135736.jpg)

> [“Sit your ass down, Don Juanabe," Derek said. "Don Juanabe?" Ascanio pulled out his swords. "Don Juan Wannabe," Derek explained. "See I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/sit-your-ass-down-don-juanabe-derek-said-don-juanabe-ascanio-pulled/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9e6/ilona-andrews-150_ascanio_sit-your-ass-down-don-juanabe-derek-said_3132353.jpg)

> [“Quick, Derek, it's your chance to shine," Ascanio said. Derek gave him a withering look. "Desandra is a mother, Robert is married,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/quick-derek-it-s-your-chance-to-shine-ascanio-said-derek-gave-him-a/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e89/ilona-andrews-150_ascanio_quick-derek-it-s-your-chance-to-shine-as_2741822.jpg)

> [“Tension fled from me. Tomorrow I would worry about Hugh d’Ambray and Andrea and Roland, but now I was simply happy. Aaahh.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/tension-fled-from-me-tomorrow-i-would-worry-about-hugh-d-ambray-and/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0cc/ilona-andrews-150_curran_tension-fled-from-me-tomorrow-i-would-wo_2596373.jpg)

> [“I ripped my left arm out of his hand and slammed my elbow into his solar plexus. He exhaled in a gasp.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/i-ripped-my-left-arm-out-of-his-hand-and-slammed-my-elbow-into-his/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/56d/ilona-andrews-150_beast_i-ripped-my-left-arm-out-of-his-hand-and_2667218.jpg)

> [“He stepped forward. “We’ve been together a year. How many times have you seen me hunt?” Umm. “How many times, Kate?” “None.”…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/he-stepped-forward-we-ve-been-together-a-year-how-many-times-have-you/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/963/ilona-andrews-150_curran_he-stepped-forward-we-ve-been-together-a_3152045.jpg)

> [“I clawed my eyes open and rolled off my bed. For some reason, someone had moved the floor several feet lower than…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/i-clawed-my-eyes-open-and-rolled-off-my-bed-for-some-reason-someone/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da5/ilona-andrews-150_beast_i-clawed-my-eyes-open-and-rolled-off-my_180812.png)

> [“You think this is some sort of comedy going on here?” Collins gave him his tough stare. A little red spark flared…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/you-think-this-is-some-sort-of-comedy-going-on-here-collins-gave-him/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dcd/ilona-andrews-150_barabas_you-think-this-is-some-sort-of-comedy-go_336301.jpg)

> [I have a serious question." "I will give a serious answer." "Can a god be killed?" The humor drained from Roman's face.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/i-have-a-serious-question-i-will-give-a-serious-answer-can-a-god-be/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/006/ilona-andrews-150_answers_i-have-a-serious-question-i-will-give-a_779421.png)

> [“Grigorii spared a single glance in his brother’s direction. If looks were daggers, that one would’ve sliced straight through the volhv’s heart.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/grigorii-spared-a-single-glance-in-his-brother-s-direction-if-looks/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2f3/ilona-andrews-150_gaze_grigorii-spared-a-single-glance-in-his-b_129638.png)

> [“I gave him my Order smile: sweet grin, hard eyes, reached over to my passenger seat, and pulled out my submachine gun.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/i-gave-him-my-order-smile-sweet-grin-hard-eyes-reached-over-to-my/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/251/ilona-andrews-150_andrea-nash_i-gave-him-my-order-smile-sweet-grin-har_1554699.png)

> [“So crosses don't do anything against your kind?" Sean asked. "No," Arland said. "There is no mystical force repelling us." "Then why?"…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/so-crosses-don-t-do-anything-against-your-kind-sean-asked-no-arland/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ebc/ilona-andrews-150_humor_so-crosses-don-t-do-anything-against-you_2051265.jpg)

> [“She crouched with her hand out. What the hell was she doing… "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." Oh my God, she was retarded…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/she-crouched-with-her-hand-out-what-the-hell-was-she-doing-here-kitty-2/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5e0/ilona-andrews-150_curran_she-crouched-with-her-hand-out-what-the_2751391.png)

> [“Eat slowly," the blueblood said. "Don't cut your food with the fork. Cut it with the knife, and make the pieces small…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/eat-slowly-the-blueblood-said-don-t-cut-your-food-with-the-fork-cut/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/166/ilona-andrews-150_good-enough_eat-slowly-the-blueblood-said-don-t-cut_3064893.png)

> [“We can get you a throne with snakes. I’ll stand next to you and roar at anybody who fails to grovel. Fear…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/we-can-get-you-a-throne-with-snakes-i-ll-stand-next-to-you-and-roar/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/511/ilona-andrews-150_curran_we-can-get-you-a-throne-with-snakes-i-ll_752669.png)

> [“He hung his head. “Am I punished?” “Yes. I’m too mad to punish you right now. We’ll talk about it when we…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/he-hung-his-head-am-i-punished-yes-i-m-too-mad-to-punish-you-right/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ee6/ilona-andrews-150_humor_he-hung-his-head-am-i-punished-yes-i-m-t_19269.png)

> [“She swept away, putting an extra kink into her walk. I would not have thought that a woman with an ass that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/she-swept-away-putting-an-extra-kink-into-her-walk-i-would-not-have/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1a7/ilona-andrews-150_crest_she-swept-away-putting-an-extra-kink-int_3114175.jpg)

> [“Are we going to school today?” “No. “Great. Then I’m going to go outside and see if I can get a gun.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/are-we-going-to-school-today-no-great-then-i-m-going-to-go-outside/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e6/ilona-andrews-150_humor_are-we-going-to-school-today-no-great-th_931086.png)

> [“In my experience, the ex-military guys came in two types. The first grew long hair, sprouted beards, and indulged in all the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/in-my-experience-the-ex-military-guys-came-in-two-types-the-first/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/41d/ilona-andrews-150_armed-forces_in-my-experience-the-ex-military-guys-ca_2329000.jpg)

> [“What’s this ” “A needle.” “What should I do with it ” He’d walked right into it. Too easy. “Please use it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/what-s-this-a-needle-what-should-i-do-with-it-he-d-walked-right-into/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e23/ilona-andrews-150_egotism_what-s-this-a-needle-what-should-i-do-wi_1157274.png)

> [“Because that's what it would catch in the wild, a boar, right? I can't wait to see a pack of bunnycats take…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/because-that-s-what-it-would-catch-in-the-wild-a-boar-right-i-can-t/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6aa/ilona-andrews-150_ascanio_because-that-s-what-it-would-catch-in-th_2385736.png)

> [“My point is, I would never hurt you or your family.” I raised my chin at him. “If you tried to hurt…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/my-point-is-i-would-never-hurt-you-or-your-family-i-raised-my-chin-at/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/25d/ilona-andrews-150_dali_my-point-is-i-would-never-hurt-you-or-yo_714969.png)

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## More by Ilona Andrews

> [“Did he kill Grandmother?” I whispered. “Don’t be ridiculous,” Erra’s voice said in my ear. “She is already dead. Besides, your grandmother was the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/did-he-kill-grandmother-i-whispered-don-t-be-ridiculous-erra-s-voice/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

> [The only way to make sure that the Hand didn't get to you would have been to kill your brother. I could've done it,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/the-only-way-to-make-sure-that-the-hand-didn-t-get-to-you-would-have/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

> [“He hit her with his best smile. Her eyes widened. She took a deep breath. 'Oh no, not that seductive face. I'm overcome with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/he-hit-her-with-his-best-smile-her-eyes-widened-she-took-a-deep/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

> [“Because he doesn’t want me talking to my grandmother.” Barabas looked at Curran. Curran shrugged. “It’s a family thing. Sometimes your father puts your…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/because-he-doesn-t-want-me-talking-to-my-grandmother-barabas-looked/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

> [I had forgotten that talking to you is like trying to pet a cactus." Saiman said dryly. "Thank you for reminding me." "Always happy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/i-had-forgotten-that-talking-to-you-is-like-trying-to-pet-a-cactus/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

> [« He squeezed his hands into fists. I picked up a grapefruit-sized rock and handed it to him. It went flying. Home run, Beast…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/he-squeezed-his-hands-into-fists-i-picked-up-a-grapefruit-sized-rock/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

> [“He came for me. I couldn’t believe it. He came for me . Into a flying palace full of thousands of armed rakshasas in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/he-came-for-me-i-couldn-t-believe-it-he-came-for-me-into-a-flying/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

> [Saiman picked up a coffee mug, stared at it, and hurled it against the wall. It shattered into a dozen pieces. We looked at…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/saiman-picked-up-a-coffee-mug-stared-at-it-and-hurled-it-against-the/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

> [“Slowly the reality of the situation sank in. He got his ass kicked, learned nothing, and got saved by a dumb dog and an…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/slowly-the-reality-of-the-situation-sank-in-he-got-his-ass-kicked/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

> [“I paused with the pen in my hand. "He burst into flames?" "He became engulfed in fire." "Was his buddy made out of orange…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/i-paused-with-the-pen-in-my-hand-he-burst-into-flames-he-became/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

> [“He hung his head. “Am I punished?” “Yes. I’m too mad to punish you right now. We’ll talk about it when we get home.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/he-hung-his-head-am-i-punished-yes-i-m-too-mad-to-punish-you-right/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

> [The pervert." "He prefers to think of himself as sexual deviant." "Semantics.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/the-pervert-he-prefers-to-think-of-himself-as-sexual-deviant-semantics/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

> [“I want you to understand me. This isn’t vengeance. This is punishment.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/i-want-you-to-understand-me-this-isn-t-vengeance-this-is-punishment/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

> [He snarled. I showed him my teeth. A rolled-up newspaper landed on my head and then on Jim’s. “None of that in my house!”…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/he-snarled-i-showed-him-my-teeth-a-rolled-up-newspaper-landed-on-my/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

> [The door swung open and Kate walked in. Her jeans and T-shirt were splattered with blood and she was carrying a severed vampire head.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/the-door-swung-open-and-kate-walked-in-her-jeans-and-t-shirt-were/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

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                        "text": "“Hey, would you look at that shit?\" I turned on my heel. The patrons who’d fled at the first hint of trouble had come back and were enjoying the spectacle. \"Clear out!\" I barked. They paid me no mind. Asshole innocent bystanders.”",
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                        "text": "“Go play your games with Jim. I'll find you both when I need you.\" Arrogant asshole. \"I tell you what, if you find us before those three days run out, I'll cook you a damn dinner and serve it to you naked.\" \"Is that a promise?\" \"Yes. Go fuck yourself.”",
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                        "text": "“And how is His Great Fussiness today?” Derek’s eyes sparked a bit. “His Majesty is in an ill humor. Rumors are flying that his mate almost got herself shot.”",
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                        "text": "“You want me to go back into that house protected by a magic sticky note?” “Don’t even start,” I told him. “It’s working. If it weren’t working, you couldn’t drag me into that place.” “What did you write on here? ‘Don’t die’?” “No, I wrote, ‘Don’t be an a-hole!’” I headed for the house. “On yours or mine?” “On yours.” “Well, in that case, your magic isn’t working. I’m still an asshole.”",
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                        "text": "“It seems that the young woman made some indelicate suggestion of a threesome...When I got there, Miss Nash was standing by the hot tub in a small bikini, pointing the business end of a SIG-Sauer P-226 at her fella and concerned members of the hotel staff, while dunking the scantily clad female's head under the water and asking, \"Who's diving for clams now, bitch?”",
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                        "text": "“Sit your ass down, Don Juanabe,\" Derek said. \"Don Juanabe?\" Ascanio pulled out his swords. \"Don Juan Wannabe,\" Derek explained. \"See I shortened it. If you still don't get it, I'll write it down for you after the fight.\" \"You've maxed out your wit quota for the night,\" Ascanio said. \"I'm just getting started.\" \"Be careful, you might sprain something in your brain.”",
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                        "text": "“Quick, Derek, it's your chance to shine,\" Ascanio said. Derek gave him a withering look. \"Desandra is a mother, Robert is married, Kate's affianced, and I'm an old soul. You're the closest thing to a virgin we've got. Get on with growing some flowing locks.”",
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                        "text": "“Tension fled from me. Tomorrow I would worry about Hugh d’Ambray and Andrea and Roland, but now I was simply happy. Aaahh. Home. My place, my smells, my familiar rug under my feet, my kitchen, my Curran in the kitchen chair . . . Wait a damn minute. “You!”",
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                        "text": "“I ripped my left arm out of his hand and slammed my elbow into his solar plexus. He exhaled in a gasp. I lunged for the dagger and sat on top of him, my knees pinning his arms, my dagger on his throat. He lay still. “I give up,” he said and smiled. “Your move.” Er. I was sitting atop the Beast Lord in my underwear, holding a knife to his throat. What the hell was my next move?”",
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                        "text": "“He stepped forward. “We’ve been together a year. How many times have you seen me hunt?” Umm. “How many times, Kate?” “None.” “That’s because I don’t hunt. I’m a male lion. I weigh six hundred pounds. Do you really expect me to scamper through the brush after deer? When I want a steak, I want a damn steak.”",
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                        "text": "“I clawed my eyes open and rolled off my bed. For some reason, someone had moved the floor several feet lower than I had expected, and I fell and crashed with a thud. Ow. A blond head popped over the side of the bed, and a familiar male voice asked, “Are you okay down there?” Curran. The Beast Lord was in my bed. No, wait a minute. I didn’t have a bed, because my insane aunt had destroyed my apartment. I was mated to the Beast Lord, which meant I was in the Keep, in Curran’s rooms, and in his bed. Our bed. Which was four feet high. Right. “Kate?” “I’m fine.” “Would you like me to install one of those child playground slides for you?”",
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                        "text": "“You think this is some sort of comedy going on here?” Collins gave him his tough stare. A little red spark flared in Barabas’s eyes. “Excuse me.” He struck with preternatural quickness and yanked a five-foot snake from the counter, an inch away from Tsoi’s elbow. Tsoi jumped, clearing half the room in a single bound. The snake body flailed in my lawyer’s fist. Barabas jerked the snake to his mouth and bit its neck. “Jesus Christ!” Collins took a step back. Tsoi clamped her hand over her mouth. Barabas spat the head onto the counter. “Pit viper—my favorite. Where were we? Ah, yes. You were trying to intimidate me. I apologize for the interruption. Please, resume your staring.”",
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                        "text": "I have a serious question.\" \"I will give a serious answer.\" \"Can a god be killed?\" The humor drained from Roman's face. \"Well, that depends on if you're a pantheist or a Marxist.\" \"What's the difference?\" \"The first believes that divinity is the universe. The two are synonymous and nonexistent without each other. The second believes in anthropocentrism, seeing man in the center of the universe, and god as just an invention of human conscience. Of course, if you follow Nietzsche, you can kill God just by thinking about him.",
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                        "text": "“Grigorii spared a single glance in his brother’s direction. If looks were daggers, that one would’ve sliced straight through the volhv’s heart. “Here it comes. ‘My oldest son . . .’” “Is a doctor,” Evdokia finished in a singsong voice. “And my daughter is an attorney.” Vasiliy raised his chin. “Jealousy is bad for you. Poisons the heart.” “Aha!” Evdokia slapped the table. “How about your youngest, the musician? How is he doing?” “Yes, what is Vyacheslav doing lately?” Grigorii asked. “Didn’t I see him with a black eye yesterday? Did he whistle a tree onto himself?” Oh boy. Curran opened his mouth. Next to him Jim shook his head. His expression looked suspiciously like fear. “He is young,” Vasiliy said. “He is spoiled rotten,” Evdokia barked. “He spends all his time trying to kill my cat. One child is a doctor, the other is an attorney, the third is a serial killer in training.”",
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                        "text": "“I gave him my Order smile: sweet grin, hard eyes, reached over to my passenger seat, and pulled out my submachine gun. About twenty-seven inches long, the HK was my favorite toy for close-quarters combat. The rider’s eyes went wide. “This is an HK UMP submachine gun. Renowned for its stopping power and reliability. Cyclic rate of fire: eight hundred rounds per minute. That means I can empty this thirty-round clip into you in less than three seconds. At this range, I’ll cut you in half.” It wasn’t strictly true but it sounded good. “You see what it says on the barrel?” On the barrel, pretty white letters spelled out PARTY STARTER.”",
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                        "text": "“So crosses don't do anything against your kind?\" Sean asked. \"No,\" Arland said. \"There is no mystical force repelling us.\" \"Then why?\" \"We're forbidden to kill a creature in a moment of prayer or invocation of their deity. Well, we can, technically, but you have to do penance and purify yourself and nobody wants to spend weeks praying and bathing themselves in the sacred cave springs. The water's only a fraction warmer than ice. When one of you holds up a cross, it's difficult to determine whether you're praying, invoking, or just waving it around. So the sane strategy is to back away.”",
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                        "text": "“She crouched with her hand out. What the hell was she doing… \"Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.\" Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim. She blinked and stared at me. She'd seen my eyes glow. I let go, shifting in the dark into my true form in the dark. If you want a Kitty, little girl, I'll give you one you'll never forget. I stepped into the moonlight. She froze. That's right. No sudden moves. I padded toward her slowly and circled her allowing her take it all in. Do you like the kitty now? I could smell her surprise and fear. Our gazes met. Her eyes went wide and then she fell on her ass. Heh. A bow would have been sufficient.”",
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                        "text": "“Eat slowly,\" the blueblood said. \"Don't cut your food with the fork. Cut it with the knife, and make the pieces small enough so you can answer a question without having to swallow first.\" Why me? \"Right. Any other tips?\" Her sarcasm whistled right over his head. \"Yes. Look at me and not at your plate. If you have to look at your plate, glance at it occasionally.\" Rose put down her fork. \"Lord Submarine...\" \"Camarine.\" \"Whatever.\" \"You can call me Declan.\" He said it as if granting her a knighthood. The nerve. \"Declan, then. How did you spend your day?\" He frowned. \"It's a simple question: How did you spend your day? What did you do prior to the fight and the pancake making?\" \"I rested from my journey,\" he said with a sudden regal air. \"You took a nap\" \"Possibly.\" \"I spent my day scrubbing, vacuuming and dusting ten offices in the Broken. I got there at seven thirty in the morning and left at six. My back hurts, I can still smell bleach on my fingers, and my feet feel as flat as these pancakes. Tomorrow, I have to go back to work, and I want to eat my food in peace and quiet. I have good table manners. They may not be good enough for you, but they're definitely good enough for the Edge, and they are the height of social graces in this house. So please keep your critique to yourself.\" The look on his face was worth having him under her roof. As if he had gotten slapped. She smiled at him. \"Oh and thank you for the pancakes. They are delicious.”",
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                        "text": "“We can get you a throne with snakes. I’ll stand next to you and roar at anybody who fails to grovel. Fear Kate Daniels. She is a mighty and terrible ruler. Grendel can anoint the petitioners with his vomit. It’ll be great . . .”",
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                        "text": "“He hung his head. “Am I punished?” “Yes. I’m too mad to punish you right now. We’ll talk about it when we get home. Go brush your teeth, comb your hair, put on dry clothes, and get the guns. We’re going to Wal-Mart.”",
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                        "text": "“She swept away, putting an extra kink into her walk. I would not have thought that a woman with an ass that bony could make it wiggle so much but she proved me wrong.”",
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                        "text": "“Are we going to school today?” “No. “Great. Then I’m going to go outside and see if I can get a gun. Since my own family won’t let me have one, I’ll have to beg strangers.” - Leon & Penelope”",
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                        "text": "“In my experience, the ex-military guys came in two types. The first grew long hair, sprouted beards, and indulged in all the things they hadn't been able do while they'd been in the armed forces. The second did their best to pretend they never got out.”",
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                        "text": "“What’s this ” “A needle.” “What should I do with it ” He’d walked right into it. Too easy. “Please use it to pop your head. It’s obscuring my view of the room.”",
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                        "text": "“Because that's what it would catch in the wild, a boar, right? I can't wait to see a pack of bunnycats take down a wild hog with those short tiny legs. Wouldn't the boar be surprised?\" Everybody was a comedian. \"May be if I oink loud enough, it'll leap across the beam and try to devour me.”",
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                        "text": "“My point is, I would never hurt you or your family.” I raised my chin at him. “If you tried to hurt my mother, I would totally kick your ass.” “Aha.” “Yes. You would be lying on the ground, crying, ‘No more, no more,’ and I would be kicking you in the stomach, wham, wham, wham!” He laughed softly.”",
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