---
title: "23 Humor Quotes By Emo Philips"
description: "23 Humor quotes by Emo Philips. Plus more from Emo Philips and more Humor sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/297/emo-philips-1788_beats_my-computer-beat-me-at-checkers-but-i-su_943424.png"
---

> [My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/my-computer-beat-me-at-checkers-but-i-sure-beat-it-at-kickboxing/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/297/emo-philips-1788_beats_my-computer-beat-me-at-checkers-but-i-su_943424.png)

> [Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/countries-are-making-nuclear-weapons-like-there-is-no-tomorrow/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/64d/emo-philips-1788_country_countries-are-making-nuclear-weapons-lik_410802.png)

> [I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-m-not-catholic-but-i-gave-up-picking-my-belly-button-for-lint/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6cf/emo-philips-1788_belly_i-m-not-catholic-but-i-gave-up-picking-m_656260.png)

> [People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/people-come-up-to-me-and-say-emo-do-people-really-come-up-to-you/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/44d/emo-philips-1788_come-up_people-come-up-to-me-and-say-emo-do-peop_1930006.png)

> [Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/ambiguity-the-devil-s-volleyball/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/390/emo-philips-1788_ambiguity_ambiguity-the-devil-s-volleyball-987650_987650.png)

> [My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/my-parents-were-very-protective-i-couldn-t-even-cross-the-street/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/51d/emo-philips-1788_crosses_my-parents-were-very-protective-i-couldn_1676067.png)

> [I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-find-you-can-often-find-humor-just-by-turning-something-upside-down/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c5e/emo-philips-1788_children_i-find-you-can-often-find-humor-just-by_883472.png)

> [I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-always-wanted-a-beautiful-loving-wife-and-she-always-wanted-to-be-a/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fac/emo-philips-1788_beautiful_i-always-wanted-a-beautiful-loving-wife_1431482.png)

> [“Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do judge him, you're a mile away…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/never-judge-someone-until-you-ve-walked-a-mile-in-his-shoes-that-way/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/126/emo-philips-1788_fashion_never-judge-someone-until-you-ve-walked_2908204.png)

> [When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/when-i-was-ten-my-family-moved-to-downer-s-grove-illinois-when-i-was/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6a4/emo-philips-1788_downers_when-i-was-ten-my-family-moved-to-downer_1223896.png)

> [So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/so-i-m-at-the-wailing-wall-standing-there-like-a-moron-with-my-harpoon/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0e8/emo-philips-1788_funny_so-i-m-at-the-wailing-wall-standing-ther_1655959.png)

> [I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man-and-i-was-crushed-so-i-said/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b44/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man_547060.png)

> [“Some mornings it's just not worth it to chew through the leather straps.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/some-mornings-it-s-just-not-worth-it-to-chew-through-the-leather/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b23/emo-philips-1788_chew_some-mornings-it-s-just-not-worth-it-to_2579958.png)

> [A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/a-mormon-told-me-that-they-don-t-drink-coffee-i-said-a-cup-of-coffee/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c7/emo-philips-1788_benefits_a-mormon-told-me-that-they-don-t-drink-c_2607124.jpg)

> [I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really-big-guy-and-he-said-i-m-going/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/015/emo-philips-1788_able_i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really_166151.png)

> [Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/race-is-still-somewhat-of-a-taboo-in-comedy-but-if-you-re-a-minority/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/535/emo-philips-1788_comedy_race-is-still-somewhat-of-a-taboo-in-com_233093.png)

> [I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-started-doing-stand-up-at-the-age-of-20-this-was-back-in-1976/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7cb/emo-philips-1788_age_i-started-doing-stand-up-at-the-age-of-2_1001250.jpg)

> [Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/coming-up-with-a-funny-joke-is-like-falling-in-love-it-can-hit-you/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/482/emo-philips-1788_comedy_coming-up-with-a-funny-joke-is-like-fall_2232627.png)

> [When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/when-i-was-a-kid-my-dad-would-say-emo-do-you-believe-in-the-lord-i-d/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/984/emo-philips-1788_believe_when-i-was-a-kid-my-dad-would-say-emo-do_882509.png)

> [It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/it-s-amazing-where-a-joke-might-come-from-i-find-a-lot-of-humour-just/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a2f/emo-philips-1788_cat_it-s-amazing-where-a-joke-might-come-fro_596309.png)

> [When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/when-i-was-a-kid-my-parents-used-to-tell-me-emo-don-t-go-near-the/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7ca/emo-philips-1788_cellar_when-i-was-a-kid-my-parents-used-to-tell_2283608.png)

> [In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/in-college-i-was-one-of-six-males-who-auditioned-for-five-male-roles/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c24/emo-philips-1788_black_in-college-i-was-one-of-six-males-who-au_1770210.png)

> [I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-used-to-be-scared-of-pretty-girls-until-one-confessed-they-re-just/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/63d/emo-philips-1788_funny_i-used-to-be-scared-of-pretty-girls-unti_400984.png)

## Other authors on Humor

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- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b010/author-george-w-bush-38036.jpg) George W. Bush 220 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/humor/george-w-bush/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b022/author-steven-wright-87563.jpg) Steven Wright 203 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/humor/steven-wright/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b023/author-terry-pratchett-89528.jpg) Terry Pratchett 181 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/humor/terry-pratchett/)
- [Mokokoma Mokhonoana 161 quotes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/humor/mokokoma-mokhonoana/)
- [Art Hochberg 156 quotes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/humor/art-hochberg/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b020/author-rick-riordan-79077.jpg) Rick Riordan 123 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/humor/rick-riordan/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b013/author-jerry-coleman-49066.jpg) Jerry Coleman 116 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/humor/jerry-coleman/)
- [Mark Twain 112 quotes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/humor/mark-twain/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b010/author-george-carlin-37578.jpg) George Carlin 102 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/humor/george-carlin/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b006/author-cassandra-clare-21529.jpg) Cassandra Clare 100 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/humor/cassandra-clare/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b021/author-rodney-dangerfield-80610.jpg) Rodney Dangerfield 96 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/humor/rodney-dangerfield/)

## More by Emo Philips

> [Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/once-i-was-in-a-restaurant-and-i-dropped-my-fork-on-the-floor-and/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

> [I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-give-money-to-unicef-because-i-like-the-bang-for-your-buck-aspect/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

> [Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/libertarians-believe-consenting-adults-have-the-right-to-do-whatever/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

> [I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-love-england-in-fact-they-re-getting-to-know-me-so-well-at-heathrow/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

> [He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/he-taught-me-never-to-smile-which-helps-me-when-i-visit-disaster-sites/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

> [The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/the-way-i-understand-it-the-russians-are-sort-of-a-combination-of/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

> [I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really-big-guy-and-he-said-i-m-going/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

> [I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-don-t-know-if-i-was-put-on-this-earth-for-a-purpose-or-not-but-i-m/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

> [I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-a-letter-from-the-irs-apparently-i-owe-them-800-so-i-sent-them/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

> [If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/if-you-re-worth-over-50m-you-should-have-to-dress-like-that-guy-on/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

> [Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/race-is-still-somewhat-of-a-taboo-in-comedy-but-if-you-re-a-minority/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

> [I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-like-to-play-chess-with-bald-men-in-the-park-although-it-s-hard-to/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

> [If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/if-computers-get-too-powerful-we-can-organize-them-into-a-committee/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

> [You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman:…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/you-don-t-appreciate-a-lot-of-stuff-in-school-until-you-get-older/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

> [Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/thinking-up-jokes-is-easy-the-hard-part-is-trying-them-out-on-stage/)

[Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/)

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                        "text": "A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, \"A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits.\" He said, \"Like what?\" I said, \"Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...\"",
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                        "text": "I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, \"I'm going to mop the floor with your face.\" I said, \"You'll be sorry.\" He said, \"Oh, yeah? Why?\" I said, \"Well, how are you going to get into the corners?\"",
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                        "text": "Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide.",
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                        "text": "I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.",
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