---
title: "648 Hilarious Quotes by 462 authors"
description: "Browse 648 Hilarious quotes by 462 authors. Discover the best Hilarious sayings and thoughts."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/520/anonymous-1_hilarious_life-is-short-talk-fast-1067584_1067584.jpg"
---

> [Life is short; talk fast.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/life-is-short-talk-fast/)

[Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/520/anonymous-1_hilarious_life-is-short-talk-fast-1067584_1067584.jpg)

> [I want to focus on my salad.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/martha-stewart/i-want-to-focus-on-my-salad/)

[Martha Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/martha-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a8f/martha-stewart-3510_focus_i-want-to-focus-on-my-salad-2408899_2408899.jpg)

> [Koreans are hilarious.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bobby-lee/koreans-are-hilarious/)

[Bobby Lee](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bobby-lee/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/149/bobby-lee-22205_funny_koreans-are-hilarious-1063933_1063933.jpg)

> [When mice run, cats give chase.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rachel-vincent/when-mice-run-cats-give-chase/)

[Rachel Vincent](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rachel-vincent/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/94b/rachel-vincent-677_cat_when-mice-run-cats-give-chase-719796_719796.png)

> [Nigga's be like…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kiara-sellars/nigga-s-be-like/)

[Kiara Sellars](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kiara-sellars/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c3b/kiara-sellars-18863_funny_nigga-s-be-like-1781689_1781689.jpg)

> [I think I'm hilarious.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/carl-nassib/i-think-i-m-hilarious/)

[Carl Nassib](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/carl-nassib/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eca/carl-nassib-6894_comedy_i-think-i-m-hilarious-572076_572076.jpg)

> [Where they do this at?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kiara-sellars/where-they-do-this-at/)

[Kiara Sellars](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kiara-sellars/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aaf/kiara-sellars-18863_funny_where-they-do-this-at-485858_485858.jpg)

> [Women are hilarious.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erik-griffin/women-are-hilarious/)

[Erik Griffin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erik-griffin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cca/erik-griffin-27569_comedy_women-are-hilarious-2572339_2572339.jpg)

> [“Some men are dogs; some dogs are women.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mokokoma-mokhonoana/some-men-are-dogs-some-dogs-are-women/)

[Mokokoma Mokhonoana](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mokokoma-mokhonoana/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/545/mokokoma-mokhonoana-195_adultery_some-men-are-dogs-some-dogs-are-women-81_811387.jpg)

> [good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/helen-gurley-brown/good-girls-go-to-heaven-and-bad-girls-go-everywhere/)

[Helen Gurley Brown](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/helen-gurley-brown/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3ac/helen-gurley-brown-10622_bad-girl_good-girls-go-to-heaven-and-bad-girls-go_1828437.png)

> [“I have a black belt in sarcasm, and my wit is like lightning.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/n-r-walker/i-have-a-black-belt-in-sarcasm-and-my-wit-is-like-lightning/)

[N.R. Walker](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/n-r-walker/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/919/n-r-walker-12471_black-belt_i-have-a-black-belt-in-sarcasm-and-my-wi_1462440.jpg)

> [I think Kanye West is a hilarious writer.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/josh-tillman/i-think-kanye-west-is-a-hilarious-writer/)

[Josh Tillman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/josh-tillman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e35/josh-tillman-24011_hilarious_i-think-kanye-west-is-a-hilarious-writer_2919888.jpg)

> [Hilarious, dude. You should, like, have your own show.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eoin-colfer/hilarious-dude-you-should-like-have-your-own-show/)

[Eoin Colfer](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eoin-colfer/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/56e/eoin-colfer-736_dude_hilarious-dude-you-should-like-have-your_128243.png)

> [My commentary's hilarious, not witty.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/richelle-mead/my-commentary-s-hilarious-not-witty/)

[Richelle Mead](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/richelle-mead/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3e5/richelle-mead-46_funny_my-commentary-s-hilarious-not-witty-2173_2173289.jpg)

> [How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-phillips/how-many-people-here-have-telekinetic-powers-raise-my-hand/)

Emo Phillips

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fe0/emo-phillips-102233_hilarious_how-many-people-here-have-telekinetic-po_861743.jpg)

> [If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harry-s-truman/if-you-want-a-friend-in-washington-buy-a-dog/)

[Harry S. Truman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harry-s-truman/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a48/harry-s-truman-898_canine_if-you-want-a-friend-in-washington-buy-a_1024397.jpg)

> [I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice ;) :D...](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mac/i-always-learn-from-mistakes-of-others-who-took-my-advice-d/)

[Mac](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mac/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f6/mac-21419_advice_i-always-learn-from-mistakes-of-others-w_134394.jpg)

> [“We seldom look up to the person; we usually look up to their persona.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mokokoma-mokhonoana/we-seldom-look-up-to-the-person-we-usually-look-up-to-their-persona/)

[Mokokoma Mokhonoana](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mokokoma-mokhonoana/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/51b/mokokoma-mokhonoana-195_admiration_we-seldom-look-up-to-the-person-we-usual_1705118.jpg)

> [I'll watch Ricky Gervais in anything he does. The guy's hilarious.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/danny-devito/i-ll-watch-ricky-gervais-in-anything-he-does-the-guy-s-hilarious/)

[Danny DeVito](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/danny-devito/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/55a/danny-devito-12474_anything_i-ll-watch-ricky-gervais-in-anything-he_3173689.jpg)

> [“@BaldBryan. This will be especially hilarious in 2021, when Twitter is just a distant memory.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bryan-bishop/baldbryan-this-will-be-especially-hilarious-in-2021-when-twitter-is/)

[Bryan Bishop](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bryan-bishop/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/022/bryan-bishop-41520_hilarious_baldbryan-this-will-be-especially-hilari_133826.jpg)

> [Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -T-Shirt](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/darynda-jones/nothing-sucks-more-than-that-moment-during-an-argument-when-you-3/)

[Darynda Jones](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/darynda-jones/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cb9/darynda-jones-474_argument_nothing-sucks-more-than-that-moment-duri_2289787.png)

> [A lot of people don't think of my work as being all that funny, but I think it's hilarious!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/fred-tomaselli/a-lot-of-people-don-t-think-of-my-work-as-being-all-that-funny-but-i/)

[Fred Tomaselli](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/fred-tomaselli/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e6e/fred-tomaselli-34709_being_a-lot-of-people-don-t-think-of-my-work-a_1396066.jpg)

> [It's hilarious to see guys wearing a headband with 'I'm a Hugger' on it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bayley/it-s-hilarious-to-see-guys-wearing-a-headband-with-i-m-a-hugger-on-it/)

[Bayley](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bayley/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a86/bayley-6584_guys_it-s-hilarious-to-see-guys-wearing-a-hea_3217546.jpg)

> [While I'm trying to be a villain, Tyler Posey's just making me break character all the time. It's hilarious.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/colton-haynes/while-i-m-trying-to-be-a-villain-tyler-posey-s-just-making-me-break/)

[Colton Haynes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/colton-haynes/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/09f/colton-haynes-30551_break_while-i-m-trying-to-be-a-villain-tyler-p_3011204.jpg)

> [When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ann-brashares/when-your-about-to-criticize-someone-walk-a-mile-in-thier-shoes-that/)

[Ann Brashares](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ann-brashares/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/036/ann-brashares-572_criticize_when-your-about-to-criticize-someone-wal_1317082.png)

> [“Ava,"Since she was right, Daddy Shane has been calling her our walking, talking Magic 8 Ball, although we’re not allowed to shake…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/stephani-hecht-north-s-complications/ava-since-she-was-right-daddy-shane-has-been-calling-her-our-walking/)

Stephani Hecht North's Complications

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c4b/stephani-hecht-north-s-complic_ava_ava-since-she-was-right-daddy-shane-has_1231334.jpg)

> [“It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/weston-locher/it-wasn-t-enough-that-i-had-to-worry-about-playing-well-and-winning/)

[Weston Locher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/weston-locher/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b7a/weston-locher-51973_anecdote_it-wasn-t-enough-that-i-had-to-worry-abo_1822450.jpg)

> [“Anna gave her that disjointed look with which so many people regarded Hannah, as if they has fallen too many words behind…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/laura-l-sullivan/anna-gave-her-that-disjointed-look-with-which-so-many-people-regarded/)

[Laura L. Sullivan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/laura-l-sullivan/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/941/laura-l-sullivan-38326_awesome_anna-gave-her-that-disjointed-look-with_1188436.jpg)

> [Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.A bargain is something…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/adi-da/men-have-only-two-emotions-hungry-and-horny-if-you-see-him-without-an-2/)

[Adi Da](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/adi-da/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/933/adi-da-22953_bargains_men-have-only-two-emotions-hungry-and-ho_2120434.jpg)

> [“Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mokokoma-mokhonoana/most-people-do-not-mind-having-a-house-that-is-smaller-and-or-a-car/)

[Mokokoma Mokhonoana](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mokokoma-mokhonoana/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/536/mokokoma-mokhonoana-195_abode_most-people-do-not-mind-having-a-house-t_3054220.jpg)

> [This is possibly the most shameful situation I've ever gotten myself in in my life, and I've done some pretty dumb things…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/russell-crowe/this-is-possibly-the-most-shameful-situation-i-ve-ever-gotten-myself/)

[Russell Crowe](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/russell-crowe/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f7f/russell-crowe-3564_done_this-is-possibly-the-most-shameful-situa_1112098.jpg)

> [I am truly obsessed with Lena Dunham. I find everything about her unique and refreshing. She is a brilliant, hilarious and honest…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/spencer-kayden/i-am-truly-obsessed-with-lena-dunham-i-find-everything-about-her/)

[Spencer Kayden](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/spencer-kayden/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1f7/spencer-kayden-37201_about_i-am-truly-obsessed-with-lena-dunham-i-f_2781634.jpg)

> [“They're not going to arrest you,' Skulduggery said as they walked through the door. 'They might glare at you and say angry…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/derek-landy/they-re-not-going-to-arrest-you-skulduggery-said-as-they-walked/)

[Derek Landy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/derek-landy/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/16a/derek-landy-826_angry-words_they-re-not-going-to-arrest-you-skuldugg_302408.png)

> [“Mr. Babcock pats my shoulder. He smiles, and the caterpillar mustache — the envy of state troopers everywhere, I'm sure — straightens…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/libba-bray/mr-babcock-pats-my-shoulder-he-smiles-and-the-caterpillar-mustache/)

[Libba Bray](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/libba-bray/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8c9/libba-bray-259_hilarious_mr-babcock-pats-my-shoulder-he-smiles-an_2217230.jpg)

> [“Ah, Robert?” “Shhhh, not while I’m praying,” he said, momentarily losing his place before he started again, “thank you for letting us…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/r-l-mathewson/ah-robert-shhhh-not-while-i-m-praying-he-said-momentarily-losing-his/)

[R.L. Mathewson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/r-l-mathewson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/52e/r-l-mathewson-3630_another-day_ah-robert-shhhh-not-while-i-m-praying-he_1102591.jpg)

> [“(…) Trying to think of how to take the least crowded ways to class, so the least amount of people will stare…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/keary-taylor/trying-to-think-of-how-to-take-the-least-crowded-ways-to-class-so-the/)

[Keary Taylor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/keary-taylor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/55c/keary-taylor-11848_batman_trying-to-think-of-how-to-take-the-least_2322321.jpg)

> [“As for the comparatively small class of violent crimes against persons, unconnected with any idea of gain, they were almost wholly confined,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/edward-bellamy/as-for-the-comparatively-small-class-of-violent-crimes-against/)

[Edward Bellamy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/edward-bellamy/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/508/edward-bellamy-21275_19th-century_as-for-the-comparatively-small-class-of_2940690.png)

> [“Forgive me for saying so, Your Highness," Clarissa said slowly, "but for one as unaccustomed to good deeds as you, perhaps it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/victoria-alexander/forgive-me-for-saying-so-your-highness-clarissa-said-slowly-but-for/)

[Victoria Alexander](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/victoria-alexander/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37a/victoria-alexander-14898_bread-crumbs_forgive-me-for-saying-so-your-highness-c_2824801.png)

> [“He asked what she was in for and complimented the find workmanship of her metal extremities, but she ignored him, making him…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/marissa-meyer/he-asked-what-she-was-in-for-and-complimented-the-find-workmanship-of/)

[Marissa Meyer](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/marissa-meyer/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a0a/marissa-meyer-586_charm_he-asked-what-she-was-in-for-and-complim_1968007.png)

> [“No more tubs for me." I jumped off the bed and pulled on a pair of Pack sweats. "They make me lose…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/no-more-tubs-for-me-i-jumped-off-the-bed-and-pulled-on-a-pair-of-pack/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/860/ilona-andrews-150_curran_no-more-tubs-for-me-i-jumped-off-the-bed_69542.jpg)

## Top authors on Hilarious

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                        "text": "When mice run, cats give chase.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Nigga's be like…",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I think I'm hilarious.",
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                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "Carl Nassib"
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Where they do this at?",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Women are hilarious.",
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                            "@type": "Person",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "“Some men are dogs; some dogs are women.”",
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                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "Mokokoma Mokhonoana"
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere",
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                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "Helen Gurley Brown"
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "“I have a black belt in sarcasm, and my wit is like lightning.”",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I think Kanye West is a hilarious writer.",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Hilarious, dude. You should, like, have your own show.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "Eoin Colfer"
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "My commentary's hilarious, not witty.",
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                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "Richelle Mead"
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "Emo Phillips"
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.",
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                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "Harry S. Truman"
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice ;) :D...",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "“We seldom look up to the person; we usually look up to their persona.”",
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                            "name": "Mokokoma Mokhonoana"
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I'll watch Ricky Gervais in anything he does. The guy's hilarious.",
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                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "Danny DeVito"
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "“@BaldBryan. This will be especially hilarious in 2021, when Twitter is just a distant memory.”",
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                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "Bryan Bishop"
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -T-Shirt",
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                            "name": "Darynda Jones"
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "A lot of people don't think of my work as being all that funny, but I think it's hilarious!",
                        "creator": {
                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "Fred Tomaselli"
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                        "text": "It's hilarious to see guys wearing a headband with 'I'm a Hugger' on it.",
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                        "text": "While I'm trying to be a villain, Tyler Posey's just making me break character all the time. It's hilarious.",
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                        "text": "When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes",
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                        "text": "“Ava,\"Since she was right, Daddy Shane has been calling her our walking, talking Magic 8 Ball, although we’re not allowed to shake her when we want answers.”",
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                            "name": "Stephani Hecht North's Complications"
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "“It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by the inhabitants of the mental hospital.”",
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                        "text": "“Anna gave her that disjointed look with which so many people regarded Hannah, as if they has fallen too many words behind to ever catch up.”",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.",
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                            "caption": "“Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.A…” — Adi Da",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "“Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long as they each earn and have more money than their neighbours, and, equally important, their neighbours know that.”",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "This is possibly the most shameful situation I've ever gotten myself in in my life, and I've done some pretty dumb things in my life. So to actually make a new No. 1 is spectacularly stupid.",
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                            "name": "Russell Crowe"
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "I am truly obsessed with Lena Dunham. I find everything about her unique and refreshing. She is a brilliant, hilarious and honest writer who is not afraid to make her audience uncomfortable.",
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                            "name": "Spencer Kayden"
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                        "text": "“They're not going to arrest you,' Skulduggery said as they walked through the door. 'They might glare at you and say angry words, but they won't arrest you. Well, they might arrest you. There's a good chance they will. But the important thing is that I've done nothing wrong.' 'For once.”",
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                        "text": "“Mr. Babcock pats my shoulder. He smiles, and the caterpillar mustache — the envy of state troopers everywhere, I'm sure — straightens out again. I hear that on the weekends, he's a part-time security guard with mirrored sunglasses and a gun. He probably poses in front of his bathroom mirror to see how he looks saying \"Freeze!”",
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                        "text": "“Ah, Robert?” “Shhhh, not while I’m praying,” he said, momentarily losing his place before he started again, “thank you for letting us survive that trip from hell. Thank you for ignoring my prayers for a quick death when I didn’t think that I’d be able to survive another day of starvation,” he said, making her roll her eyes in annoyance. “You were given three full meals a day just like everyone else,” she pointed out, not bothering to mention the fact that, on most days, he’d received second helpings. She sat down on a bench near their luggage, wondering just how much longer he was going to keep this up. “I’m sorry for all the cursing that my wife forced me to do while I was on that boat,” he continued, ignoring her even as he amused her. “As you know, she’s been such a bad influence on me. Thank you for pulling me from near death and somehow giving me the strength to survive.” “Near death?” she asked, frowning. “When were you near death?” “When was I near death?” he asked in stunned disbelief as he opened his eyes so that he could glare at her. “How could you forget all those times that I could barely move? When I struggled to find the will to live so that I wouldn’t leave you a young widow? Did my struggle for survival mean nothing to you?” he demanded in outrage, terrifying the people that were forced to walk past him to get to the docks and making her wrack her brain as she struggled to figure out what he was talking about. “Do you mean those few times when you had a touch of seasickness?” she asked, unable to think of anything else that he could be talking about since he’d been the picture of health during the majority of the trip. “A touch?” he repeated in disbelief. “I nearly died!”",
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                        "text": "“(…) Trying to think of how to take the least crowded ways to class, so the least amount of people will stare at the hole in my neck. Sometimes it feels like it has a beacon in it, flashing for the entire world to see, except it's not cool like the Bat signal.”",
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                        "text": "“As for the comparatively small class of violent crimes against persons, unconnected with any idea of gain, they were almost wholly confined, even in your day, to the ignorant and bestial; and in these days, when education and good manners are not the monopoly of a few, but universal, such atrocities are scarcely ever heard of.”",
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                        "text": "“Forgive me for saying so, Your Highness,\" Clarissa said slowly, \"but for one as unaccustomed to good deeds as you, perhaps it would be best if you started with one on a smaller scale. Something like, I don't know, spreading bread crumbs for birds?\" \"Birds?\" Valentina stared at Clarissa as if she had sprouted wings and would fly off. \"Why on earth would I wish to feed birds?\" \"It was just a thought,\" Clarissa murmured.”",
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                        "text": "“No more tubs for me.\" I jumped off the bed and pulled on a pair of Pack sweats. \"They make me lose all sense.\" Curran sprawled on the bed with a big self-satisfied smile. \"Want to know a secret?\" \"Sure.\" \"It's not the bathtub, baby.\" Well, aren't we smug. I picked up the corner of the lowest mattress and made a show of looking under it. \"What are you looking for?\" \"A pea Your Majesty.\" \"What?\" \"You heard me.\" I jumped back as he lunged and his fingers missed me by an inch. \"Getting slow in your old age.\" \"I thought you liked it slow.\" A flashback to last night mugged me and my mind executed a full stop. He laughed. \"Ran out of snappy comebacks?\" \"Hush. I'm trying to think of one.”",
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