--- title: "13 Heard Quotes By David Letterman" description: "13 Heard quotes by David Letterman. Plus more from David Letterman and more Heard sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7a5/david-letterman-378_al-qaeda_i-heard-this-rumor-that-al-qaeda-is-merg_2317881.jpg" --- > [I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/i-heard-this-rumor-that-al-qaeda-is-merging-with-hamas-yeah-i-got/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7a5/david-letterman-378_al-qaeda_i-heard-this-rumor-that-al-qaeda-is-merg_2317881.jpg) > [But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/but-down-in-florida-in-the-early-voting-there-were-computer-glitches/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/72c/david-letterman-378_accomplished_but-down-in-florida-in-the-early-voting_427875.jpg) > [The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/the-morning-after-i-had-my-heart-bypass-the-doctor-called-and-said/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4c8/david-letterman-378_able_the-morning-after-i-had-my-heart-bypass_340849.jpg) > [The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, 'If only there was an…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/the-post-office-is-raising-the-price-of-stamps-again-i-heard-that-and/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/101/david-letterman-378_communicate_the-post-office-is-raising-the-price-of_1436829.jpg) > [I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/i-just-heard-george-w-bush-s-new-plan-for-airline-security-from-here/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b4c/david-letterman-378_airline_i-just-heard-george-w-bush-s-new-plan-fo_2938126.jpg) > [I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4-1/2 minutes. When they asked him what it was like being…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/i-heard-doctors-revived-a-man-who-had-been-dead-for-4-1-2-minutes/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa4/david-letterman-378_announcers_i-heard-doctors-revived-a-man-who-had-be_1404425.jpg) > [Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/someone-did-a-study-of-the-three-most-often-heard-phrases-in-new-york/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbe/david-letterman-378_cities_someone-did-a-study-of-the-three-most-of_2441848.jpg) > [You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/you-probably-heard-about-the-big-prisoner-swap-with-cuba-a-man-who/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/723/david-letterman-378_approved_you-probably-heard-about-the-big-prisone_3209192.jpg) > [Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle America. When Rick…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/mitt-romney-said-that-he-liked-to-fire-people-well-there-s-a-pretty/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26d/david-letterman-378_america_mitt-romney-said-that-he-liked-to-fire-p_548855.jpg) > [Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/bronco-rick-perry-is-the-first-candidate-i-ve-ever-heard-say-he-s-not/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/206/david-letterman-378_broncos_bronco-rick-perry-is-the-first-candidate_2365792.jpg) > [I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/i-heard-this-today-and-i-thought-this-was-fascinating-and-interesting/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3d5/david-letterman-378_able_i-heard-this-today-and-i-thought-this-wa_2000834.jpg) > [Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/did-you-hear-what-the-republicans-have-said-about-hillary-clinton/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bec/david-letterman-378_angry_did-you-hear-what-the-republicans-have-s_122011.jpg) > [I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/i-heard-some-good-news-today-the-fbi-and-the-cia-are-going-to-start/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aeb/david-letterman-378_art-work_i-heard-some-good-news-today-the-fbi-and_123195.jpg) ## Other authors on Heard ## More by David Letterman > [Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/two-things-you-need-to-know-about-taxes-they-ve-extended-the-deadline/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) > [You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/you-know-kim-jong-un-the-evil-dictator-of-north-korea-apparently-a/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) > [It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/it-s-the-first-day-of-spring-that-means-this-weekend-i-ll-take-down/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) > [There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/there-are-a-lot-of-new-york-city-thanksgiving-traditions-for-example/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) > [I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/i-can-hardly-wait-until-donald-trump-announces-his-celebrity-cabinet/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) > [Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/experts-say-this-global-warming-is-serious-and-they-are-predicting/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) > [We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/we-make-a-lot-of-fun-at-president-clinton-s-expense-but-this/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) > [I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/i-m-worried-about-john-kerry-he-s-so-confident-now-that-he-s-already/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) > [“There is no off position on the genius”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/there-is-no-off-position-on-the-genius/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) > [I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/i-vote-democrat-because-i-m-way-too-irresponsible-to-own-a-gun-and-i/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) > [Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/do-i-think-there-is-a-heaven-uh-yeah-i-do-like-a-really-big-gymnasium/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) > [If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/if-it-wasn-t-for-coffee-i-d-have-no-discernible-personality-at-all/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) > [Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/well-we-re-just-a-couple-of-weeks-from-new-president-barack-obama/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) > [Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/sometimes-when-you-look-in-his-eyes-you-get-the-feeling-that-someone/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) > [Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/prince-william-and-kate-middleton-are-in-new-york-city-we-have-got-to/) [David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/david-letterman/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/heard/david-letterman/#itemlist", "name": "13 Heard Quotes By David Letterman", "numberOfItems": 13, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. 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I heard that and said to myself, 'If only there was an inexpensive electronic way of communicating.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "David Letterman" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/the-post-office-is-raising-the-price-of-stamps-again-i-heard-that-and/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/101/david-letterman-378_communicate_the-post-office-is-raising-the-price-of_1436829.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/101/david-letterman-378_communicate_the-post-office-is-raising-the-price-of_1436829.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/101/david-letterman-378_communicate_the-post-office-is-raising-the-price-of_1436829.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The post office is raising the price of stamps again. 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From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "David Letterman" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/i-just-heard-george-w-bush-s-new-plan-for-airline-security-from-here/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b4c/david-letterman-378_airline_i-just-heard-george-w-bush-s-new-plan-fo_2938126.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b4c/david-letterman-378_airline_i-just-heard-george-w-bush-s-new-plan-fo_2938126.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b4c/david-letterman-378_airline_i-just-heard-george-w-bush-s-new-plan-fo_2938126.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. 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When they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "David Letterman" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/i-heard-doctors-revived-a-man-who-had-been-dead-for-4-1-2-minutes/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa4/david-letterman-378_announcers_i-heard-doctors-revived-a-man-who-had-be_1404425.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa4/david-letterman-378_announcers_i-heard-doctors-revived-a-man-who-had-be_1404425.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa4/david-letterman-378_announcers_i-heard-doctors-revived-a-man-who-had-be_1404425.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4-1/2 minutes. 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One is \"Hey taxi.\" Two is \"What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?\" And three is \"Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "David Letterman" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/someone-did-a-study-of-the-three-most-often-heard-phrases-in-new-york/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbe/david-letterman-378_cities_someone-did-a-study-of-the-three-most-of_2441848.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbe/david-letterman-378_cities_someone-did-a-study-of-the-three-most-of_2441848.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fbe/david-letterman-378_cities_someone-did-a-study-of-the-three-most-of_2441848.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is \"Hey taxi.\" Two is \"What…” — David Letterman", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is back home in the United States. And we sent them some prisoners. The deal still has to be approved by President Obama and Bud Selig.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "David Letterman" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/you-probably-heard-about-the-big-prisoner-swap-with-cuba-a-man-who/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/723/david-letterman-378_approved_you-probably-heard-about-the-big-prisone_3209192.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/723/david-letterman-378_approved_you-probably-heard-about-the-big-prisone_3209192.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/723/david-letterman-378_approved_you-probably-heard-about-the-big-prisone_3209192.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five…” — David Letterman", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle America. When Rick Perry heard that, he said, 'Well that's nothing. I like to execute people.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "David Letterman" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/mitt-romney-said-that-he-liked-to-fire-people-well-there-s-a-pretty/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26d/david-letterman-378_america_mitt-romney-said-that-he-liked-to-fire-p_548855.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26d/david-letterman-378_america_mitt-romney-said-that-he-liked-to-fire-p_548855.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26d/david-letterman-378_america_mitt-romney-said-that-he-liked-to-fire-p_548855.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle…” — David Letterman", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot, but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was getting his full eight years of sleep.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "David Letterman" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/bronco-rick-perry-is-the-first-candidate-i-ve-ever-heard-say-he-s-not/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/206/david-letterman-378_broncos_bronco-rick-perry-is-the-first-candidate_2365792.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/206/david-letterman-378_broncos_bronco-rick-perry-is-the-first-candidate_2365792.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/206/david-letterman-378_broncos_bronco-rick-perry-is-the-first-candidate_2365792.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You…” — David Letterman", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they may work on their father's presidential campaign after they get out of college and I thought, well, that's a pretty good move because in this economy, they won't be able to find real jobs.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "David Letterman" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/i-heard-this-today-and-i-thought-this-was-fascinating-and-interesting/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3d5/david-letterman-378_able_i-heard-this-today-and-i-thought-this-wa_2000834.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3d5/david-letterman-378_able_i-heard-this-today-and-i-thought-this-wa_2000834.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3d5/david-letterman-378_able_i-heard-this-today-and-i-thought-this-wa_2000834.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. 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I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "David Letterman" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/did-you-hear-what-the-republicans-have-said-about-hillary-clinton/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bec/david-letterman-378_angry_did-you-hear-what-the-republicans-have-s_122011.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bec/david-letterman-378_angry_did-you-hear-what-the-republicans-have-s_122011.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bec/david-letterman-378_angry_did-you-hear-what-the-republicans-have-s_122011.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president…” — David Letterman", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working together. And if you don't know the difference between the FBI and the CIA, the FBI bungles domestic crime, the CIA bungles foreign crime.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "David Letterman" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/david-letterman/i-heard-some-good-news-today-the-fbi-and-the-cia-are-going-to-start/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aeb/david-letterman-378_art-work_i-heard-some-good-news-today-the-fbi-and_123195.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aeb/david-letterman-378_art-work_i-heard-some-good-news-today-the-fbi-and_123195.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/aeb/david-letterman-378_art-work_i-heard-some-good-news-today-the-fbi-and_123195.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. 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