--- title: "18 Guy Quotes By Jerry Seinfeld" description: "18 Guy quotes by Jerry Seinfeld. Plus more from Jerry Seinfeld and more Guy sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/644/jerry-seinfeld-880_full_to-a-guy-like-me-a-laugh-is-full-of-info_2109425.jpg" --- > [To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/to-a-guy-like-me-a-laugh-is-full-of-information/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/644/jerry-seinfeld-880_full_to-a-guy-like-me-a-laugh-is-full-of-info_2109425.jpg) > [There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/there-s-different-kinds-of-laughs-it-s-like-a-baseball-lineup-this/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27b/jerry-seinfeld-880_base_there-s-different-kinds-of-laughs-it-s-l_3209972.jpg) > [Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/pain-is-usually-represented-by-lightning-attacking-the-guy-glowing/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b03/jerry-seinfeld-880_attacking_pain-is-usually-represented-by-lightning_2619070.jpg) > [Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/have-you-ever-seen-that-guy-who-has-the-record-for-fattest-man-in-the/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/989/jerry-seinfeld-880_bob_have-you-ever-seen-that-guy-who-has-the_2693192.jpg) > [Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/let-s-examine-the-dog-mind-every-time-you-come-home-he-thinks-it-s/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d2/jerry-seinfeld-880_accomplished_let-s-examine-the-dog-mind-every-time-yo_404651.jpg) > [The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/the-toughest-nights-when-i-was-a-young-unknown-comedian-were-opening/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a21/jerry-seinfeld-880_comedian_the-toughest-nights-when-i-was-a-young-u_1971187.jpg) > [Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/have-you-ever-noticed-how-they-keep-improving-your-laundry-detergent/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/546/jerry-seinfeld-880_blue_have-you-ever-noticed-how-they-keep-impr_2642924.jpg) > [One day I was watching these construction workers go back to work. I was watching them kind of trudging down the street.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/one-day-i-was-watching-these-construction-workers-go-back-to-work-i/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b10/jerry-seinfeld-880_able_one-day-i-was-watching-these-constructio_661726.jpg) > [They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/they-seal-the-subway-change-booth-guy-up-inside-this-thing-with/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/193/jerry-seinfeld-880_breathe_they-seal-the-subway-change-booth-guy-up_2325405.jpg) > [Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy?…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/why-does-that-pharmacist-have-to-be-two-and-a-half-feet-higher-than/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/572/jerry-seinfeld-880_bigs_why-does-that-pharmacist-have-to-be-two_931698.jpg) > [I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-had-a-parakeet-that-used-to-fly-around-the-house-and-crash-into/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2de/jerry-seinfeld-880_crash_i-had-a-parakeet-that-used-to-fly-around_2049690.jpg) > [I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-have-a-friend-who-s-collecting-unemployment-insurance-this-guy-has/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4cd/jerry-seinfeld-880_collecting_i-have-a-friend-who-s-collecting-unemplo_2655277.jpg) > [What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it's because deep down all men…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/what-causes-homophobia-what-is-it-that-makes-the-heterosexual-man/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2be/jerry-seinfeld-880_bits_what-causes-homophobia-what-is-it-that-m_940134.jpg) > [The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/the-idea-behind-the-tuxedo-is-the-woman-s-point-of-view-that-men-are/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/447/jerry-seinfeld-880_beautiful_the-idea-behind-the-tuxedo-is-the-woman_949332.jpg) > [Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any reality... Like in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/some-of-the-events-in-the-olympics-don-t-make-sense-to-me-i-don-t/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/be1/jerry-seinfeld-880_alpine_some-of-the-events-in-the-olympics-don-t_1949524.jpg) > [A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/a-dog-will-stay-stupid-that-s-why-we-love-them-so-much-the-entire/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/68a/jerry-seinfeld-880_accomplish_a-dog-will-stay-stupid-that-s-why-we-lov_3182767.jpg) > [Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/have-you-ever-noticed-that-the-waiter-who-takes-your-order-is-not-the/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f6/jerry-seinfeld-880_bills_have-you-ever-noticed-that-the-waiter-wh_3006073.jpg) > [The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/the-swiss-have-an-interesting-army-five-hundred-years-without-a-war/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c61/jerry-seinfeld-880_army_the-swiss-have-an-interesting-army-five_459936.jpg) ## Other authors on Guy ## More by Jerry Seinfeld > [“i chose not to run”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-chose-not-to-run/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) > [We’re all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive in, it doesn’t matter. What matters is when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/we-re-all-trying-to-get-to-the-same-island-whether-you-swim-fly-surf/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) > [I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-have-a-nice-bookshelf-in-my-office-but-not-my-house-i-m-crass-but/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) > [There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/there-s-no-downside-to-fame-and-people-who-whine-about-it-make-me/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) > [We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/we-re-all-trying-to-get-to-the-same-island-whether-you-swim-fly-surf-2/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) > [I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication...Not easy. There's an entire wall of products you need.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-was-in-the-drug-store-the-other-day-trying-to-get-a-cold-medication/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) > [I went up to the camp and Paul had me eat my first oyster I had never had an oyster in my life. And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-went-up-to-the-camp-and-paul-had-me-eat-my-first-oyster-i-had-never/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) > [Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/then-finally-the-third-year-begging-the-parents-i-got-the-superman/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) > [This is really a crazy idea, you know. It probably won't work, but that will be interesting, too. You have to motivate yourself with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/this-is-really-a-crazy-idea-you-know-it-probably-won-t-work-but-that/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) > [If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/if-you-get-something-right-you-really-feel-it-right-in-your-chest-on/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) > [People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/people-have-an-infinite-attention-span-if-you-are-entertaining-them/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) > [It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/it-s-hard-to-do-nothing-because-you-tend-to-do-something-and-then-you/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) > [A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/a-really-hard-laugh-is-like-sex-one-of-the-ultimate-diversions-of/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) > [There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/there-are-many-things-you-can-point-to-as-proof-that-the-human-is-not/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) > [You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/you-know-what-i-never-get-with-the-limo-the-tinted-windows-is-that-so/) [Jerry Seinfeld](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerry-seinfeld/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/guy/jerry-seinfeld/#itemlist", "name": "18 Guy Quotes By Jerry Seinfeld", "numberOfItems": 18, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerry Seinfeld" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/to-a-guy-like-me-a-laugh-is-full-of-information/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/644/jerry-seinfeld-880_full_to-a-guy-like-me-a-laugh-is-full-of-info_2109425.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/644/jerry-seinfeld-880_full_to-a-guy-like-me-a-laugh-is-full-of-info_2109425.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/644/jerry-seinfeld-880_full_to-a-guy-like-me-a-laugh-is-full-of-info_2109425.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.” — Jerry Seinfeld", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerry Seinfeld" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/there-s-different-kinds-of-laughs-it-s-like-a-baseball-lineup-this/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27b/jerry-seinfeld-880_base_there-s-different-kinds-of-laughs-it-s-l_3209972.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27b/jerry-seinfeld-880_base_there-s-different-kinds-of-laughs-it-s-l_3209972.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27b/jerry-seinfeld-880_base_there-s-different-kinds-of-laughs-it-s-l_3209972.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets…” — Jerry Seinfeld", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerry Seinfeld" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/pain-is-usually-represented-by-lightning-attacking-the-guy-glowing/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b03/jerry-seinfeld-880_attacking_pain-is-usually-represented-by-lightning_2619070.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b03/jerry-seinfeld-880_attacking_pain-is-usually-represented-by-lightning_2619070.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b03/jerry-seinfeld-880_attacking_pain-is-usually-represented-by-lightning_2619070.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts…” — Jerry Seinfeld", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerry Seinfeld" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/have-you-ever-seen-that-guy-who-has-the-record-for-fattest-man-in-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/989/jerry-seinfeld-880_bob_have-you-ever-seen-that-guy-who-has-the_2693192.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/989/jerry-seinfeld-880_bob_have-you-ever-seen-that-guy-who-has-the_2693192.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/989/jerry-seinfeld-880_bob_have-you-ever-seen-that-guy-who-has-the_2693192.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in…” — Jerry Seinfeld", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. \"He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerry Seinfeld" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/let-s-examine-the-dog-mind-every-time-you-come-home-he-thinks-it-s/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d2/jerry-seinfeld-880_accomplished_let-s-examine-the-dog-mind-every-time-yo_404651.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d2/jerry-seinfeld-880_accomplished_let-s-examine-the-dog-mind-every-time-yo_404651.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d2/jerry-seinfeld-880_accomplished_let-s-examine-the-dog-mind-every-time-yo_404651.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've…” — Jerry Seinfeld", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. \"This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerry Seinfeld" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/the-toughest-nights-when-i-was-a-young-unknown-comedian-were-opening/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a21/jerry-seinfeld-880_comedian_the-toughest-nights-when-i-was-a-young-u_1971187.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a21/jerry-seinfeld-880_comedian_the-toughest-nights-when-i-was-a-young-u_1971187.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a21/jerry-seinfeld-880_comedian_the-toughest-nights-when-i-was-a-young-u_1971187.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian…” — Jerry Seinfeld", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerry Seinfeld" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/have-you-ever-noticed-how-they-keep-improving-your-laundry-detergent/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/546/jerry-seinfeld-880_blue_have-you-ever-noticed-how-they-keep-impr_2642924.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/546/jerry-seinfeld-880_blue_have-you-ever-noticed-how-they-keep-impr_2642924.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/546/jerry-seinfeld-880_blue_have-you-ever-noticed-how-they-keep-impr_2642924.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue…” — Jerry Seinfeld", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "One day I was watching these construction workers go back to work. I was watching them kind of trudging down the street. It was like a revelation to me. I realized these guys don’t want to go back to work after lunch. But they’re going. That’s their job. If they can exhibit that level of dedication for that job I should be able to do the same. Trudge your ass in.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerry Seinfeld" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/one-day-i-was-watching-these-construction-workers-go-back-to-work-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b10/jerry-seinfeld-880_able_one-day-i-was-watching-these-constructio_661726.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b10/jerry-seinfeld-880_able_one-day-i-was-watching-these-constructio_661726.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b10/jerry-seinfeld-880_able_one-day-i-was-watching-these-constructio_661726.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“One day I was watching these construction workers go back to work. I was watching them kind of trudging down…” — Jerry Seinfeld", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerry Seinfeld" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/they-seal-the-subway-change-booth-guy-up-inside-this-thing-with/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/193/jerry-seinfeld-880_breathe_they-seal-the-subway-change-booth-guy-up_2325405.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/193/jerry-seinfeld-880_breathe_they-seal-the-subway-change-booth-guy-up_2325405.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/193/jerry-seinfeld-880_breathe_they-seal-the-subway-change-booth-guy-up_2325405.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides…” — Jerry Seinfeld", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? \"Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerry Seinfeld" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/why-does-that-pharmacist-have-to-be-two-and-a-half-feet-higher-than/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/572/jerry-seinfeld-880_bigs_why-does-that-pharmacist-have-to-be-two_931698.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/572/jerry-seinfeld-880_bigs_why-does-that-pharmacist-have-to-be-two_931698.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/572/jerry-seinfeld-880_bigs_why-does-that-pharmacist-have-to-be-two_931698.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this…” — Jerry Seinfeld", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerry Seinfeld" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-had-a-parakeet-that-used-to-fly-around-the-house-and-crash-into/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2de/jerry-seinfeld-880_crash_i-had-a-parakeet-that-used-to-fly-around_2049690.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2de/jerry-seinfeld-880_crash_i-had-a-parakeet-that-used-to-fly-around_2049690.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2de/jerry-seinfeld-880_crash_i-had-a-parakeet-that-used-to-fly-around_2049690.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever…” — Jerry Seinfeld", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerry Seinfeld" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/i-have-a-friend-who-s-collecting-unemployment-insurance-this-guy-has/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4cd/jerry-seinfeld-880_collecting_i-have-a-friend-who-s-collecting-unemplo_2655277.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4cd/jerry-seinfeld-880_collecting_i-have-a-friend-who-s-collecting-unemplo_2655277.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4cd/jerry-seinfeld-880_collecting_i-have-a-friend-who-s-collecting-unemplo_2655277.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he…” — Jerry Seinfeld", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it's because deep down all men know that we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, 'Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store thinking it's a shoe store and the salesmen says, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around a little bit, see how it feels. No obligation, no pressure, just try it.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerry Seinfeld" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/what-causes-homophobia-what-is-it-that-makes-the-heterosexual-man/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2be/jerry-seinfeld-880_bits_what-causes-homophobia-what-is-it-that-m_940134.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2be/jerry-seinfeld-880_bits_what-causes-homophobia-what-is-it-that-m_940134.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2be/jerry-seinfeld-880_bits_what-causes-homophobia-what-is-it-that-m_940134.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it's because…” — Jerry Seinfeld", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerry Seinfeld" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/the-idea-behind-the-tuxedo-is-the-woman-s-point-of-view-that-men-are/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/447/jerry-seinfeld-880_beautiful_the-idea-behind-the-tuxedo-is-the-woman_949332.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/447/jerry-seinfeld-880_beautiful_the-idea-behind-the-tuxedo-is-the-woman_949332.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/447/jerry-seinfeld-880_beautiful_the-idea-behind-the-tuxedo-is-the-woman_949332.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress…” — Jerry Seinfeld", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any reality... Like in the Winter Olympics they have that biathlon that combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun. How many alpine snipers are into this? Ski, shoot a gun... ski, bang, bang, bang... It's like combining swimming and strangling a guy. Why don't we have that? That makes absolutely as much sense to me. Just put people in the pool at the end of each lane for the swimmers.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerry Seinfeld" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/some-of-the-events-in-the-olympics-don-t-make-sense-to-me-i-don-t/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/be1/jerry-seinfeld-880_alpine_some-of-the-events-in-the-olympics-don-t_1949524.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/be1/jerry-seinfeld-880_alpine_some-of-the-events-in-the-olympics-don-t_1949524.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/be1/jerry-seinfeld-880_alpine_some-of-the-events-in-the-olympics-don-t_1949524.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any…” — Jerry Seinfeld", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door; the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, He's back. It's that guy, that same guy. He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. Another can of food? I don't believe it.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerry Seinfeld" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/a-dog-will-stay-stupid-that-s-why-we-love-them-so-much-the-entire/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/68a/jerry-seinfeld-880_accomplish_a-dog-will-stay-stupid-that-s-why-we-lov_3182767.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/68a/jerry-seinfeld-880_accomplish_a-dog-will-stay-stupid-that-s-why-we-lov_3182767.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/68a/jerry-seinfeld-880_accomplish_a-dog-will-stay-stupid-that-s-why-we-lov_3182767.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think…” — Jerry Seinfeld", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 17, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, \"Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerry Seinfeld" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/have-you-ever-noticed-that-the-waiter-who-takes-your-order-is-not-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f6/jerry-seinfeld-880_bills_have-you-ever-noticed-that-the-waiter-wh_3006073.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f6/jerry-seinfeld-880_bills_have-you-ever-noticed-that-the-waiter-wh_3006073.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f6/jerry-seinfeld-880_bills_have-you-ever-noticed-that-the-waiter-wh_3006073.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What…” — Jerry Seinfeld", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jerry Seinfeld" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerry-seinfeld/the-swiss-have-an-interesting-army-five-hundred-years-without-a-war/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c61/jerry-seinfeld-880_army_the-swiss-have-an-interesting-army-five_459936.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c61/jerry-seinfeld-880_army_the-swiss-have-an-interesting-army-five_459936.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c61/jerry-seinfeld-880_army_the-swiss-have-an-interesting-army-five_459936.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky…” — Jerry Seinfeld", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/guy/jerry-seinfeld/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/guy/jerry-seinfeld/", "name": "Guy Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/guy/jerry-seinfeld/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/644/jerry-seinfeld-880_full_to-a-guy-like-me-a-laugh-is-full-of-info_2109425.jpg" }, "description": "18 Guy quotes by Jerry Seinfeld. 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