---
title: "20 Guy Quotes By Christopher Titus"
description: "20 Guy quotes by Christopher Titus. Plus more from Christopher Titus and more Guy sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f3/christopher-titus-1916_approved_there-s-two-approved-methods-for-getting_1893694.jpg"
---

> [There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/there-s-two-approved-methods-for-getting-a-pedicure-for-a-guy-number/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f3/christopher-titus-1916_approved_there-s-two-approved-methods-for-getting_1893694.jpg)

> [They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/they-call-it-torture-when-our-guys-put-underwear-on-a-guy-s-head/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/faa/christopher-titus-1916_eggs_they-call-it-torture-when-our-guys-put-u_2445695.jpg)

> [Losing builds character. You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/losing-builds-character-you-know-who-said-that-a-loser-guy-who-got/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1f6/christopher-titus-1916_ass_losing-builds-character-you-know-who-sai_1821356.jpg)

> [In 1998, in Laramie, Wyoming, two guys beat up Matthew Shepard and left him on the side of the road hanging on…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/in-1998-in-laramie-wyoming-two-guys-beat-up-matthew-shepard-and-left/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1be/christopher-titus-1916_beats_in-1998-in-laramie-wyoming-two-guys-beat_1296200.jpg)

> [My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/my-dad-invented-road-rage-he-wasn-t-the-first-guy-to-get-mad-in-the/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8ee/christopher-titus-1916_car_my-dad-invented-road-rage-he-wasn-t-the_2578722.jpg)

> [Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/hey-d-you-guys-hear-dr-atkins-died-slipped-on-some-ice-hit-his-head/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a1a/christopher-titus-1916_damn_hey-d-you-guys-hear-dr-atkins-died-slipp_647615.jpg)

> [Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he's my friend…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/of-course-here-s-the-weird-part-after-i-fought-my-dad-all-of-a-sudden/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fc2/christopher-titus-1916_beats_of-course-here-s-the-weird-part-after-i_2672920.jpg)

> [There's a one in six billion chance you'll find your soul mate. And that's if they're not dead. At best they're probably…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/there-s-a-one-in-six-billion-chance-you-ll-find-your-soul-mate-and/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/597/christopher-titus-1916_beads_there-s-a-one-in-six-billion-chance-you_1493832.jpg)

> [I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/i-gave-my-father-a-heart-attack-it-was-a-practical-joke-come-on-you/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/888/christopher-titus-1916_balloons_i-gave-my-father-a-heart-attack-it-was-a_395238.jpg)

> [Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/normal-people-fear-the-day-their-parents-die-screwed-up-people-fear/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5f8/christopher-titus-1916_ability_normal-people-fear-the-day-their-parents_2716116.jpg)

> [Normal people, who grow up with compassion, never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/normal-people-who-grow-up-with-compassion-never-amount-to-anything/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b83/christopher-titus-1916_abandoned_normal-people-who-grow-up-with-compassio_2884332.jpg)

> [The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon really…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/the-los-angeles-times-reported-that-sixty-three-percent-of-american/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/702/christopher-titus-1916_american-family_the-los-angeles-times-reported-that-sixt_2613067.jpg)

> [Everybody's a racist. It's the one human trait that makes us all exactly the same. Deep down, we only like people who…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/everybody-s-a-racist-it-s-the-one-human-trait-that-makes-us-all/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b88/christopher-titus-1916_beats_everybody-s-a-racist-it-s-the-one-human_456062.jpg)

> [Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/blood-doesn-t-make-you-family-hell-an-only-child-can-bleed-it-s-the/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8a2/christopher-titus-1916_blood_blood-doesn-t-make-you-family-hell-an-on_1062233.jpg)

> [My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/my-mom-was-a-manic-depressive-schizophrenic-who-after-a-year-in/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/960/christopher-titus-1916_alcohol_my-mom-was-a-manic-depressive-schizophre_1652860.jpg)

> [My mom had this inate ability. Whatever town my mother moved to, the second she walked into town, she would instantly attract…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/my-mom-had-this-inate-ability-whatever-town-my-mother-moved-to-the/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7da/christopher-titus-1916_ability_my-mom-had-this-inate-ability-whatever-t_2481081.jpg)

> [If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/if-you-want-something-bad-enough-you-ve-got-to-make-a-bold-move-just/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d2/christopher-titus-1916_agree_if-you-want-something-bad-enough-you-ve_3099576.jpg)

> [When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/when-you-are-a-screwed-up-person-you-have-a-responsibility-to-keep/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f58/christopher-titus-1916_bad-guy_when-you-are-a-screwed-up-person-you-hav_114688.jpg)

> [My mom was crazy. And her mom was crazy. And her mom's mom was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/my-mom-was-crazy-and-her-mom-was-crazy-and-her-mom-s-mom-was-crazy-is/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/879/christopher-titus-1916_baby_my-mom-was-crazy-and-her-mom-was-crazy-a_302076.jpg)

> [Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/everybody-i-ve-ever-met-was-destroyed-by-a-member-of-the-opposite-sex/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/543/christopher-titus-1916_best-friend_everybody-i-ve-ever-met-was-destroyed-by_41389.jpg)

## Other authors on Guy

## More by Christopher Titus

> [My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/my-father-thrives-on-fear-you-know-that-prayer-if-i-should-die-before/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/ladies-if-you-re-at-the-mall-and-you-think-your-man-is-looking-at/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/i-find-that-americans-are-all-in-the-middle-somewhere-except-for-the/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/my-father-a-hard-drinking-man-from-the-70-s-we-actually-have-no/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/everybody-i-ve-ever-met-was-destroyed-by-a-member-of-the-opposite-sex/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/psychiatrist-are-like-mind-hookers-give-them-200-dollars-and-they/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/all-of-dad-s-relationships-ended-exactly-the-same-subpoena-beep-of-a/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/texas-is-a-hell-hole-man-dirt-cactus-lizards-dirt-cactus-the-bush/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/sometimes-failure-makes-your-future-because-you-set-the-past-on-fire/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/when-you-are-a-screwed-up-person-you-have-a-responsibility-to-keep/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/if-you-re-a-racist-right-now-in-2011-you-just-look-like-a-retard-man/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/why-should-i-learn-english-i-m-never-going-to-england-shah-pffff-ur/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/passion-manners-and-80-ounces-of-beer-will-win-the-heart-of-any-woman/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/the-most-powerful-person-in-your-life-is-the-one-that-knows-all-your/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

> [Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-titus/haiti-fell-over-who-built-haiti-two-of-the-three-little-pigs/)

[Christopher Titus](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-titus/)

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                        "text": "There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you Joe and that's it!",
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                        "text": "They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture.",
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                        "text": "Losing builds character. You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose, lose, lose and lose. All right, I'm talking about me.",
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                        "text": "In 1998, in Laramie, Wyoming, two guys beat up Matthew Shepard and left him on the side of the road hanging on the fence to die. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay? They killed him.",
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                        "text": "My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.",
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                        "text": "Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet... died a vegetable. That's a damn good joke. But that joke's like a Toyota Camry - reliable, not inspiring.",
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                        "text": "Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he's my friend now, we start hanging out. But we're still the same people. So we'd go out on Sunday, you know, and just be hanging out, then he'd, like, pick a guy, and we'd just go beat the crap out of that guy as a team. Memories, huh?",
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                        "text": "There's a one in six billion chance you'll find your soul mate. And that's if they're not dead. At best they're probably living in some Siberian ice cave eating bugs and weaving beads into their back hair. But they're out there. My dad believed that to find your perfect soul mate, first, you had to look through a bunch of other guys' soul mates.",
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                        "text": "I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke.",
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                        "text": "Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.",
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                        "text": "Normal people, who grow up with compassion, never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on the highway. Or, putting glue on the dots for the guy who glues dots on the highway. Screwed up people, who weren't coddled or raised with compassion, we get stuff done. Sure, we feel a little alone and abandoned, but, we're... very... happy. Why can't you love me, daddy?",
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                        "text": "The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon really happens, thirty-seven percent of this population is going to lose their minds. Oh my God, the world is over! Us sixty-three percent? We're going to go, Hey... there's no one watching the Lexus dealership! We're going to the Apocalypse with leather and a CD changer! You guys have been great. Thank you.",
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                        "text": "Everybody's a racist. It's the one human trait that makes us all exactly the same. Deep down, we only like people who are exactly like us. And it doesn't matter. White. Black. Red. Yellow. Purple, uh oh, the purple people, are the worst. Man. All prejudiced and birth marky. But, we've got to learn to get past our differences. I learned that at the museum of tolerance. After my dad beat the crap out of a guy over a parking spot.",
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                        "text": "Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you can't really love a brother or sister until you know that they're as scarred and broken as you are. And, hey, if you grow up with a father like mine and you aren't at least a little scarred and broken, well then, that's not your father. You were spawned by an entirely different guy.",
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                        "text": "My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an amazing poet, who was raised by this woman, and was dating a guy who broke up with her for the fourth time in three weeks. And one day, she came to his house, got a gun, and blew her brains out all over his headboard. I just went through a divorce, five years in court and cost me $2 million dollars. If anyone, by law, should be forced to take antidepressants it's me... But instead, I choose to be an antidepressant. And you can take me with alcohol.",
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                        "text": "My mom had this inate ability. Whatever town my mother moved to, the second she walked into town, she would instantly attract the alpha loser of that town. This guy was not a good guy. This guy was half O.J. Simpson and half O.J. Simpson. Scott Peterson sprinkles on the top, a side of Robert Blake. You know, not a good guy.",
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                        "text": "If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with the people whose lives it's going to affect. Like George Washington, had to get all those guys who the British killed to agree to die. Neil Armstrong, had to crank a couple of elbows into Buzz Aldrin's face mask to make sure he got on the moon first. And Christopher Titus, well, he worked his dad for five grand. Ha ha. Who can't support who ? I know, it's complicated.",
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                        "text": "When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could you screw that up ? And don't say, Well, you could cause someone six months of physical therapy. 'Cos, hey, lots of times, those exercise take places in pools and nylon tents with little plastic balls. Fun places like that. And, she gets to park up really close for a while. Ha ha, oh, I'm the bad guy.",
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                        "text": "My mom was crazy. And her mom was crazy. And her mom's mom was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers ? When I go to dinner with friends, should I not use a fork 'cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How's the baby?",
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                        "text": "Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. Every woman in here got intimidated by a guy, pushed around too much, now you're new boyfriend tickles you a little too hard, boom restraining order. Every guy here had a woman sleep with his best friend, now your new girlfriend hugs your cousin a little long, boom car bomb.",
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