---
title: "20 Grandma Said Quotes By Janet Evanovich"
description: "20 Grandma Said quotes by Janet Evanovich. Plus more from Janet Evanovich and more Grandma Said sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8cd/janet-evanovich-291_bunch_almost-everybody-i-know-has-died-grandma_2577155.png"
---

> [Almost everybody I know has died,” Grandma said. “Bunch of wimps.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/almost-everybody-i-know-has-died-grandma-said-bunch-of-wimps/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8cd/janet-evanovich-291_bunch_almost-everybody-i-know-has-died-grandma_2577155.png)

> [“I heard about them Rangers on TV,” Grandma said. “I heard they get dogs pregnant.” -Grandma Mazur”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/i-heard-about-them-rangers-on-tv-grandma-said-i-heard-they-get-dogs/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/687/janet-evanovich-291_grandma_i-heard-about-them-rangers-on-tv-grandma_2760363.png)

> [You need teeth like mine!" Grandma said. "You can just mail 'em to the dentist!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/you-need-teeth-like-mine-grandma-said-you-can-just-mail-em-to-the/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2cf/janet-evanovich-291_dentist_you-need-teeth-like-mine-grandma-said-yo_2624827.png)

> [“It's a penis,' Grandma said. 'Stephanie got it in the mail. It's a pretty good one too.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/it-s-a-penis-grandma-said-stephanie-got-it-in-the-mail-it-s-a-pretty/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a0f/janet-evanovich-291_grandma_it-s-a-penis-grandma-said-stephanie-got_1984959.png)

> [Maybe it was me," Grandma said."Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/maybe-it-was-me-grandma-said-sometimes-they-sneak-out-did-i-fart/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/970/janet-evanovich-291_fart_maybe-it-was-me-grandma-said-sometimes-t_732791.png)

> [“It was mesmerizing,” Grandma said. “It was like staring into the eye of a cobra. I don’t care if I do anything…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/it-was-mesmerizing-grandma-said-it-was-like-staring-into-the-eye-of-a/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c12/janet-evanovich-291_bucket-list_it-was-mesmerizing-grandma-said-it-was-l_706105.png)

> [“Lula leaned forward so she could whisper. “You talking about size? Was your man’s part that big?” “Heck no,” Grandma said. “His…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/lula-leaned-forward-so-she-could-whisper-you-talking-about-size-was/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0ca/janet-evanovich-291_grandma_lula-leaned-forward-so-she-could-whisper_968264.png)

> [The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma's crotch, and snuffled. Dang," Grandma said. "Guess my new perfume really…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/the-dog-ran-into-the-kitchen-stuck-his-nose-in-grandma-s-crotch-and/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/157/janet-evanovich-291_dog_the-dog-ran-into-the-kitchen-stuck-his-n_1371183.jpg)

> [I always wanted to eat with a Negro,” Grandma said. Yeah, well I always wanted to eat with a boney- assed old…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/i-always-wanted-to-eat-with-a-negro-grandma-said-yeah-well-i-always/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/729/janet-evanovich-291_grandma_i-always-wanted-to-eat-with-a-negro-gran_1034886.png)

> [You gonna take the case?" It's not a case. It's a missing person. Sort of." You're gonna have a devil of a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/you-gonna-take-the-case-it-s-not-a-case-it-s-a-missing-person-sort-of/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1bd/janet-evanovich-291_aliens_you-gonna-take-the-case-it-s-not-a-case_4171.png)

> [Aren't you something," Grandma said. "I never saw a midget up close." "Little person," Briggs said. "And I never saw anyone as…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/aren-t-you-something-grandma-said-i-never-saw-a-midget-up-close/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f63/janet-evanovich-291_grandma_aren-t-you-something-grandma-said-i-neve_2094035.png)

> [I’m going back to bed,” Grandma said when Mooner and Dougie left. “This doesn’t look too interesting. I liked it better the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/i-m-going-back-to-bed-grandma-said-when-mooner-and-dougie-left-this/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1d3/janet-evanovich-291_bed_i-m-going-back-to-bed-grandma-said-when_2129834.png)

> [“Of course it's your fault," Grandma said. "You must be doing something wrong, if you know what I mean. Maybe you need…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/of-course-it-s-your-fault-grandma-said-you-must-be-doing-something/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5d8/janet-evanovich-291_books_of-course-it-s-your-fault-grandma-said-y_333421.png)

> [“Sally put his gun back in his pants. "Guess I flunked the estrogen test." We all stared at his crotch, and Grandma…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/sally-put-his-gun-back-in-his-pants-guess-i-flunked-the-estrogen-test/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/695/janet-evanovich-291_grandma_sally-put-his-gun-back-in-his-pants-gues_1502936.png)

> [“walked him to the door. “Is there anything else you want me to do? Check your mail? Water your plants?” “My mail…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/walked-him-to-the-door-is-there-anything-else-you-want-me-to-do-check/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/504/janet-evanovich-291_dreams_walked-him-to-the-door-is-there-anything_2803539.jpg)

> [“And Grandma spooned in some beans. “We need one of them psychics,” Grandma said. “I saw on television where you can call…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/and-grandma-spooned-in-some-beans-we-need-one-of-them-psychics/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/29a/janet-evanovich-291_dead-people_and-grandma-spooned-in-some-beans-we-nee_3202523.png)

> [“Morelli was wearing a blazer over a black knit shirt, He took a seat, and his jacket swung wide, exposing the gun…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/morelli-was-wearing-a-blazer-over-a-black-knit-shirt-he-took-a-seat/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/237/janet-evanovich-291_funny-and-random_morelli-was-wearing-a-blazer-over-a-blac_1523137.jpg)

> [“My mother came into the kitchen. “Whose car is that parked in front of our house?” “That’s Stephanie’s new car,” Grandma said.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/my-mother-came-into-the-kitchen-whose-car-is-that-parked-in-front-of/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac7/janet-evanovich-291_mother-and-grandmoth_my-mother-came-into-the-kitchen-whose-ca_1906506.png)

> [“The kid pulled a Buck knife out of his pants pocket. "How about giving me your purse, bitch?" Sally hiked up his…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/the-kid-pulled-a-buck-knife-out-of-his-pants-pocket-how-about-giving/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/89c/janet-evanovich-291_grandma_the-kid-pulled-a-buck-knife-out-of-his-p_1332488.jpg)

> [“Babe!” Ranger shouted from the bathroom. “Come get your grandmother.” Ranger was standing in the glass-enclosed shower with the door open, looking…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/babe-ranger-shouted-from-the-bathroom-come-get-your-grandmother-2/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f1/janet-evanovich-291_bucket-list_babe-ranger-shouted-from-the-bathroom-co_819673.jpg)

## More by Janet Evanovich

> [“His pager beeped, and he looked at the readout. “I have to get back to Deal. Do you have any secret weapons in your…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/his-pager-beeped-and-he-looked-at-the-readout-i-have-to-get-back-to/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

> [You gonna take the case?" It's not a case. It's a missing person. Sort of." You're gonna have a devil of a time finding…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/you-gonna-take-the-case-it-s-not-a-case-it-s-a-missing-person-sort-of/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

> [Are we fighting?" I asked Morelli. "No. Were discussing." "Are you sure?" "Am I yelling?" Morelli asked. "Is my face purple? Are the cords…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/are-we-fighting-i-asked-morelli-no-were-discussing-are-you-sure-am-i/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

> [“changed expression. Wariness, maybe. I felt a body move so close it was skimming my own, and a warm hand protectively settled at the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/changed-expression-wariness-maybe-i-felt-a-body-move-so-close-it-was/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

> [I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/i-need-to-look-like-an-idiot-at-least-twice-a-day-to-keep-myself/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

> [Mooner was walking around laying his hands on the cars, divining karma. "this is it", he said, standing by a small khaki-colored jeep."this car…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/mooner-was-walking-around-laying-his-hands-on-the-cars-divining-karma/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

> [“Ranger was waiting. He was dressed in black slacks, a form-fitting black T-shirt, and a black blazer.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/ranger-was-waiting-he-was-dressed-in-black-slacks-a-form-fitting/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

> [I guessed my mother figured if my father got right down to the task of eating he wouldn’t be so inclined to jump up…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/i-guessed-my-mother-figured-if-my-father-got-right-down-to-the-task/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

> [You can get through very serious and sometimes horrible and sometimes embarrassing and very awkward situations with humor. It gives us a way out.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/you-can-get-through-very-serious-and-sometimes-horrible-and-sometimes/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

> [Way back before the 'Alex Barnaby' series was first published, we were talking with Dark Horse then about making it into a graphic novel…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/way-back-before-the-alex-barnaby-series-was-first-published-we-were/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

> [I made a choice that I was not going to be a pretentious writer.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/i-made-a-choice-that-i-was-not-going-to-be-a-pretentious-writer/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

> [“He wears jeans, untucked shirts, and a Glock 19, and he has a big shaggy dog named Bob.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/he-wears-jeans-untucked-shirts-and-a-glock-19-and-he-has-a-big-shaggy/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

> [I write to entertain. When people read one of my books I want them to finish with a smile on their faces, feeling a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/i-write-to-entertain-when-people-read-one-of-my-books-i-want-them-to/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

> [“I hate shopping for clothes," Kate said. "I liked when I was in the military and all I needed was camouflage gear." "Shopping can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/i-hate-shopping-for-clothes-kate-said-i-liked-when-i-was-in-the/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

> [“I’m told there’s a paint specialist in Denver who does wonderful work,” Judy said. “I’ve started a GoFundMe page for Mr. Murphy.” “That’s a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/i-m-told-there-s-a-paint-specialist-in-denver-who-does-wonderful-work/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

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                        "text": "“Lula leaned forward so she could whisper. “You talking about size? Was your man’s part that big?” “Heck no,” Grandma said. “His part was that dead.”",
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                        "text": "I always wanted to eat with a Negro,” Grandma said. Yeah, well I always wanted to eat with a boney- assed old white woman,” Lula said. “So I guess this works out good.",
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                        "text": "You gonna take the case?\" It's not a case. It's a missing person. Sort of.\" You're gonna have a devil of a time finding him if it was aliens,\" Grandma said.",
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                        "text": "Aren't you something,\" Grandma said. \"I never saw a midget up close.\" \"Little person,\" Briggs said. \"And I never saw anyone as old as you up close, either.",
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                        "text": "I’m going back to bed,” Grandma said when Mooner and Dougie left. “This doesn’t look too interesting. I liked it better the other night when you were on the floor with the bounty hunter.” Morelli gave me the same kind of look Desi always gave Lucy when she’d just done something incredibly stupid. “It’s a long story,” I said. “I bet.",
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                        "text": "“Of course it's your fault,\" Grandma said. \"You must be doing something wrong, if you know what I mean. Maybe you need to buy a book that tells you how to do it. I hear there are books out there with pictures and everything. I saw one in the store the other day. It was called A Sex Guide for Dummies.”",
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                        "text": "“Sally put his gun back in his pants. \"Guess I flunked the estrogen test.\" We all stared at his crotch, and Grandma said what Lula and I were thinking. \"I thought that bulge was your dingdong,\"Grandma said. \"Jesus,\" Sally said, \"who do you think I am, Thunder the Wonder Horse? My gun wouldn't fit in my purse.\" \"You need to get a smaller gun,\" Lula said. \"Ruins your lines with that big old Glock in your drawers.”",
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                        "text": "“walked him to the door. “Is there anything else you want me to do? Check your mail? Water your plants?” “My mail is being forwarded to my lawyer. And I’m watering my own plants.” “So, you feel safe in the Batcave?” The corners of his mouth curved into the hint of a smile. He leaned forward and kissed me at the base of my neck, just above my T-shirt collar. “Sweet dreams.” Before he left, he said good-night to Grandma, who was still in the kitchen. “What a nice, polite young man,” Grandma said. “And he’s got an excellent package.” I went straight to her closet, found the bottle of booze, and dumped some into my cocoa.”",
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                        "text": "“And Grandma spooned in some beans. “We need one of them psychics,” Grandma said. “I saw on television where you can call them up, and they know everything. They find dead people all the time. I saw a couple of them on a talk show, and they were saying how they help the police with these serial murder cases. I was watching that show, and I was thinking that if I was a serial murderer I’d chop the bodies up in little pieces so those psychics wouldn’t have such an easy job of it. Or maybe I’d drain all the blood out of the body and collect it in a big bucket. Then I’d bury a chicken, and I’d take the victim’s blood and make a trail to the chicken. Then the psychic wouldn’t know what to make of it when the police dug up a chicken.” Grandma helped herself to the gravy boat and poured gravy over her pot roast. “Do you think that’d work?” Everyone but Grandma paused with forks in midair.”",
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                        "text": "“Morelli was wearing a blazer over a black knit shirt, He took a seat, and his jacket swung wide, exposing the gun at his hip. \"Nice piece!\" Grandma said. \"What is it? Is that a forty-five?\" \"It's a nine- millimeter.\" \"Don't suppose you'd let me see it,\" Grandma said. \"I'd sure like to get the feel of a gun like that.\" \"No!\" said everyone in unison. \"I shot a chicken once,\" Grandma explained to Morelli. \"It was an accident.\" \"Where did you shoot it?\" he finally asked. \"In the gumpy,\" Grandma said. \"Shot it clear off.”",
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                        "text": "“My mother came into the kitchen. “Whose car is that parked in front of our house?” “That’s Stephanie’s new car,” Grandma said. “Isn’t it a pip?” One of my mother’s eyebrows raised in question. “Two new cars? Where are these cars coming from?” “Company cars,” I said. “Oh?” “Anal sex is not involved,” I told her. My mother and grandmother both gasped. “Sorry,” I said. “It just slipped out.” “I thought only homosexual men did anal sex,” Grandma said. “Anybody with an anus can do it,” I told her. “Hmm,” she said. “I got one of them.”",
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                        "text": "“The kid pulled a Buck knife out of his pants pocket. \"How about giving me your purse, bitch?\" Sally hiked up his skirt, reached into his briefs and pulled out a Glock. \"How about using that knife to slice off your balls?\" Lula whipped a gun out of her red satin purse and Grandma hauled out her .45 long-barrel. \"Day my make, punk,\" Grandma said. \"Hey, I don't want any trouble,\" the kid said. \"We were just having some fun.\" \"I want to shoot him,\" Sally said. \"Nobody'll tell, right?\" \"No fair,\" Lula said. \"I want to shoot him.\" \"Okay,\" Grandma said. \"On the count of three, we'll all shoot him.”",
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                        "text": "“Babe!” Ranger shouted from the bathroom. “Come get your grandmother.” Ranger was standing in the glass-enclosed shower with the door open, looking out at Grandma. He was dripping wet and seemed not especially concerned that he was naked. “It’s like she’s paralyzed,” he said. “Amazing,” Grandma said, eyes wide, staring in unblinking stupefaction. I yanked Grandma out and closed the bathroom door. “It was mesmerizing,” Grandma said. “It was like staring into the eye of a cobra. I don’t care if I do anything else on the bucket list. This was awesome. It was like a biblical experience.”",
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