--- title: "24 Funny Quotes By Emo Philips" description: "24 Funny quotes by Emo Philips. Plus more from Emo Philips and more Funny sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fab/emo-philips-1788_come_people-come-up-to-me-concerned-that-i-ll_1242689.png" --- > [People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/people-come-up-to-me-concerned-that-i-ll-reproduce/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fab/emo-philips-1788_come_people-come-up-to-me-concerned-that-i-ll_1242689.png) > [I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-picked-up-a-hitch-hiker-you-ve-got-to-when-you-hit-them/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/330/emo-philips-1788_funny_i-picked-up-a-hitch-hiker-you-ve-got-to_1608705.png) > [Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/countries-are-making-nuclear-weapons-like-there-is-no-tomorrow/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/64d/emo-philips-1788_country_countries-are-making-nuclear-weapons-lik_410802.png) > [I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-m-not-catholic-but-i-gave-up-picking-my-belly-button-for-lint/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6cf/emo-philips-1788_belly_i-m-not-catholic-but-i-gave-up-picking-m_656260.png) > [I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-was-sleeping-the-other-night-alone-thanks-to-the-exterminator/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f0c/emo-philips-1788_funny_i-was-sleeping-the-other-night-alone-tha_1431838.png) > [How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/how-many-people-here-have-telekenetic-powers-raise-my-hand/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f56/emo-philips-1788_funny_how-many-people-here-have-telekenetic-po_2040797.png) > [People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/people-come-up-to-me-and-say-emo-do-people-really-come-up-to-you/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/44d/emo-philips-1788_come-up_people-come-up-to-me-and-say-emo-do-peop_1930006.png) > [I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-was-the-kid-next-door-s-imaginary-friend/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/913/emo-philips-1788_friend_i-was-the-kid-next-door-s-imaginary-frie_1664698.png) > [My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/my-parents-were-very-protective-i-couldn-t-even-cross-the-street/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/51d/emo-philips-1788_crosses_my-parents-were-very-protective-i-couldn_1676067.png) > [Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/always-remember-the-last-words-of-my-grandfather-who-said-a-truck/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/958/emo-philips-1788_always_always-remember-the-last-words-of-my-gra_2021921.png) > [Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/some-mornings-it-just-doesn-t-seem-worth-it-to-gnaw-through-the/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/716/emo-philips-1788_funny_some-mornings-it-just-doesn-t-seem-worth_605315.png) > [I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-always-wanted-a-beautiful-loving-wife-and-she-always-wanted-to-be-a/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fac/emo-philips-1788_beautiful_i-always-wanted-a-beautiful-loving-wife_1431482.png) > [When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/when-i-was-ten-my-family-moved-to-downer-s-grove-illinois-when-i-was/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6a4/emo-philips-1788_downers_when-i-was-ten-my-family-moved-to-downer_1223896.png) > [So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/so-i-m-at-the-wailing-wall-standing-there-like-a-moron-with-my-harpoon/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0e8/emo-philips-1788_funny_so-i-m-at-the-wailing-wall-standing-ther_1655959.png) > [I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-lent-a-friend-of-mine-10-000-for-plastic-surgery-and-now-i-don-t/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b53/emo-philips-1788_botox_i-lent-a-friend-of-mine-10-000-for-plast_2947866.png) > [I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man-and-i-was-crushed-so-i-said/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b44/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man_547060.png) > [A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/a-mormon-told-me-that-they-don-t-drink-coffee-i-said-a-cup-of-coffee/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c7/emo-philips-1788_benefits_a-mormon-told-me-that-they-don-t-drink-c_2607124.jpg) > [I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really-big-guy-and-he-said-i-m-going/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/015/emo-philips-1788_able_i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really_166151.png) > [Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/coming-up-with-a-funny-joke-is-like-falling-in-love-it-can-hit-you/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/482/emo-philips-1788_comedy_coming-up-with-a-funny-joke-is-like-fall_2232627.png) > [When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/when-i-was-a-kid-my-dad-would-say-emo-do-you-believe-in-the-lord-i-d/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/984/emo-philips-1788_believe_when-i-was-a-kid-my-dad-would-say-emo-do_882509.png) > [New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/new-york-s-such-a-wonderful-city-although-i-was-at-the-library-today/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d6/emo-philips-1788_card_new-york-s-such-a-wonderful-city-althoug_1921527.png) > [When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/when-i-was-a-kid-my-parents-used-to-tell-me-emo-don-t-go-near-the/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7ca/emo-philips-1788_cellar_when-i-was-a-kid-my-parents-used-to-tell_2283608.png) > [Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/ambiguity-the-devil-s-volleyball/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/390/emo-philips-1788_ambiguity_ambiguity-the-devil-s-volleyball-987650_987650.png) > [I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-used-to-be-scared-of-pretty-girls-until-one-confessed-they-re-just/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/63d/emo-philips-1788_funny_i-used-to-be-scared-of-pretty-girls-unti_400984.png) ## Other authors on Funny - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b018/author-nikhil-saluja-71464.jpg) Nikhil Saluja 1,369 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/nikhil-saluja/) - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b001/author-green-monk-388.jpg) Green Monk 597 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/green-monk/) - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b001/author-ritu-ghatourey-5.jpg) Ritu Ghatourey 296 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/ritu-ghatourey/) - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b018/author-mitch-hedberg-68629.jpg) Mitch Hedberg 270 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/mitch-hedberg/) - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b022/author-steven-wright-87563.jpg) Steven Wright 191 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/steven-wright/) - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b001/author-hussein-nishah-292.jpg) Hussein Nishah 161 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/hussein-nishah/) - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b007/author-dave-barry-27009.jpg) Dave Barry 155 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/dave-barry/) - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b021/author-rodney-dangerfield-80610.jpg) Rodney Dangerfield 122 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/rodney-dangerfield/) - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b010/author-george-carlin-37578.jpg) George Carlin 120 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/george-carlin/) - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b013/author-jerry-coleman-49066.jpg) Jerry Coleman 116 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/jerry-coleman/) - [Mokokoma Mokhonoana 114 quotes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/mokokoma-mokhonoana/) - [Mark Twain 111 quotes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/mark-twain/) ## More by Emo Philips > [Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/once-i-was-in-a-restaurant-and-i-dropped-my-fork-on-the-floor-and/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-give-money-to-unicef-because-i-like-the-bang-for-your-buck-aspect/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/libertarians-believe-consenting-adults-have-the-right-to-do-whatever/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-love-england-in-fact-they-re-getting-to-know-me-so-well-at-heathrow/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/he-taught-me-never-to-smile-which-helps-me-when-i-visit-disaster-sites/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/the-way-i-understand-it-the-russians-are-sort-of-a-combination-of/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really-big-guy-and-he-said-i-m-going/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-don-t-know-if-i-was-put-on-this-earth-for-a-purpose-or-not-but-i-m/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-a-letter-from-the-irs-apparently-i-owe-them-800-so-i-sent-them/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/if-you-re-worth-over-50m-you-should-have-to-dress-like-that-guy-on/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/race-is-still-somewhat-of-a-taboo-in-comedy-but-if-you-re-a-minority/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-like-to-play-chess-with-bald-men-in-the-park-although-it-s-hard-to/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/if-computers-get-too-powerful-we-can-organize-them-into-a-committee/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman:…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/you-don-t-appreciate-a-lot-of-stuff-in-school-until-you-get-older/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) > [Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/thinking-up-jokes-is-easy-the-hard-part-is-trying-them-out-on-stage/) [Emo Philips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/emo-philips/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/emo-philips/#itemlist", "name": "24 Funny Quotes By Emo Philips", "numberOfItems": 24, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/people-come-up-to-me-concerned-that-i-ll-reproduce/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fab/emo-philips-1788_come_people-come-up-to-me-concerned-that-i-ll_1242689.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fab/emo-philips-1788_come_people-come-up-to-me-concerned-that-i-ll_1242689.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fab/emo-philips-1788_come_people-come-up-to-me-concerned-that-i-ll_1242689.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I picked up a hitch hiker. 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Raise my hand.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/how-many-people-here-have-telekenetic-powers-raise-my-hand/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f56/emo-philips-1788_funny_how-many-people-here-have-telekenetic-po_2040797.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f56/emo-philips-1788_funny_how-many-people-here-have-telekenetic-po_2040797.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f56/emo-philips-1788_funny_how-many-people-here-have-telekenetic-po_2040797.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“How many people here have telekenetic powers? 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I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/my-parents-were-very-protective-i-couldn-t-even-cross-the-street/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/51d/emo-philips-1788_crosses_my-parents-were-very-protective-i-couldn_1676067.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/51d/emo-philips-1788_crosses_my-parents-were-very-protective-i-couldn_1676067.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/51d/emo-philips-1788_crosses_my-parents-were-very-protective-i-couldn_1676067.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“My parents were very protective. 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When I was twelve, I found them.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/when-i-was-ten-my-family-moved-to-downer-s-grove-illinois-when-i-was/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6a4/emo-philips-1788_downers_when-i-was-ten-my-family-moved-to-downer_1223896.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6a4/emo-philips-1788_downers_when-i-was-ten-my-family-moved-to-downer_1223896.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6a4/emo-philips-1788_downers_when-i-was-ten-my-family-moved-to-downer_1223896.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/so-i-m-at-the-wailing-wall-standing-there-like-a-moron-with-my-harpoon/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0e8/emo-philips-1788_funny_so-i-m-at-the-wailing-wall-standing-ther_1655959.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0e8/emo-philips-1788_funny_so-i-m-at-the-wailing-wall-standing-ther_1655959.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0e8/emo-philips-1788_funny_so-i-m-at-the-wailing-wall-standing-ther_1655959.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-lent-a-friend-of-mine-10-000-for-plastic-surgery-and-now-i-don-t/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b53/emo-philips-1788_botox_i-lent-a-friend-of-mine-10-000-for-plast_2947866.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b53/emo-philips-1788_botox_i-lent-a-friend-of-mine-10-000-for-plast_2947866.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b53/emo-philips-1788_botox_i-lent-a-friend-of-mine-10-000-for-plast_2947866.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, \"Get off of me, you two!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man-and-i-was-crushed-so-i-said/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b44/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man_547060.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b44/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man_547060.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b44/emo-philips-1788_another-man_i-caught-my-wife-in-bed-with-another-man_547060.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. 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I said, \"A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits.\" He said, \"Like what?\" I said, \"Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/a-mormon-told-me-that-they-don-t-drink-coffee-i-said-a-cup-of-coffee/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c7/emo-philips-1788_benefits_a-mormon-told-me-that-they-don-t-drink-c_2607124.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c7/emo-philips-1788_benefits_a-mormon-told-me-that-they-don-t-drink-c_2607124.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c7/emo-philips-1788_benefits_a-mormon-told-me-that-they-don-t-drink-c_2607124.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. 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Why?\" I said, \"Well, how are you going to get into the corners?\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really-big-guy-and-he-said-i-m-going/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/015/emo-philips-1788_able_i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really_166151.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/015/emo-philips-1788_able_i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really_166151.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/015/emo-philips-1788_able_i-got-in-a-fight-one-time-with-a-really_166151.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, \"I'm going to mop the floor with your face.\" I…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/coming-up-with-a-funny-joke-is-like-falling-in-love-it-can-hit-you/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/482/emo-philips-1788_comedy_coming-up-with-a-funny-joke-is-like-fall_2232627.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/482/emo-philips-1788_comedy_coming-up-with-a-funny-joke-is-like-fall_2232627.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/482/emo-philips-1788_comedy_coming-up-with-a-funny-joke-is-like-fall_2232627.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 20, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When I was a kid my dad would say, \"Emo, do you believe in the Lord?\" I'd say, \"Yes!\" He'd say, \"Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!\" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/when-i-was-a-kid-my-dad-would-say-emo-do-you-believe-in-the-lord-i-d/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/984/emo-philips-1788_believe_when-i-was-a-kid-my-dad-would-say-emo-do_882509.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/984/emo-philips-1788_believe_when-i-was-a-kid-my-dad-would-say-emo-do_882509.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/984/emo-philips-1788_believe_when-i-was-a-kid-my-dad-would-say-emo-do_882509.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When I was a kid my dad would say, \"Emo, do you believe in the Lord?\" I'd say, \"Yes!\" He'd say, \"Then stand…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 21, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, \"I'd like a card.\" He says, \"You have to prove you're a citizen of New York.\" So I stabbed him.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/new-york-s-such-a-wonderful-city-although-i-was-at-the-library-today/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d6/emo-philips-1788_card_new-york-s-such-a-wonderful-city-althoug_1921527.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d6/emo-philips-1788_card_new-york-s-such-a-wonderful-city-althoug_1921527.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d6/emo-philips-1788_card_new-york-s-such-a-wonderful-city-althoug_1921527.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, \"I'd…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 22, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, \"Emo, don't go near the cellar door!\" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/when-i-was-a-kid-my-parents-used-to-tell-me-emo-don-t-go-near-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7ca/emo-philips-1788_cellar_when-i-was-a-kid-my-parents-used-to-tell_2283608.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7ca/emo-philips-1788_cellar_when-i-was-a-kid-my-parents-used-to-tell_2283608.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7ca/emo-philips-1788_cellar_when-i-was-a-kid-my-parents-used-to-tell_2283608.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, \"Emo, don't go near the cellar door!\" One day when they were…” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 23, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/ambiguity-the-devil-s-volleyball/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/390/emo-philips-1788_ambiguity_ambiguity-the-devil-s-volleyball-987650_987650.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/390/emo-philips-1788_ambiguity_ambiguity-the-devil-s-volleyball-987650_987650.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/390/emo-philips-1788_ambiguity_ambiguity-the-devil-s-volleyball-987650_987650.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 24, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Emo Philips" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/emo-philips/i-used-to-be-scared-of-pretty-girls-until-one-confessed-they-re-just/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/63d/emo-philips-1788_funny_i-used-to-be-scared-of-pretty-girls-unti_400984.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/63d/emo-philips-1788_funny_i-used-to-be-scared-of-pretty-girls-unti_400984.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/63d/emo-philips-1788_funny_i-used-to-be-scared-of-pretty-girls-unti_400984.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.” — Emo Philips", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/emo-philips/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/emo-philips/", "name": "Funny Quotes by Emo Philips", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny/emo-philips/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fab/emo-philips-1788_come_people-come-up-to-me-concerned-that-i-ll_1242689.png" }, "description": "24 Funny quotes by Emo Philips. 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