---
title: "68 Funny drinking Quotes by 57 authors"
description: "Browse 68 Funny drinking quotes by 57 authors. Discover the best Funny drinking sayings and thoughts."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f8f/ed-mcmahon-30637_alcohol_god-invented-whiskey-to-keep-the-irish-f_1091520.jpg"
---

> [God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ed-mcmahon/god-invented-whiskey-to-keep-the-irish-from-ruling-the-world/)

[Ed McMahon](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ed-mcmahon/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f8f/ed-mcmahon-30637_alcohol_god-invented-whiskey-to-keep-the-irish-f_1091520.jpg)

> [What's made Milwaukee famous has made a loser out of me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/glenn-sutton/what-s-made-milwaukee-famous-has-made-a-loser-out-of-me/)

[Glenn Sutton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/glenn-sutton/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4d4/glenn-sutton-240213_drinking_what-s-made-milwaukee-famous-has-made-a_2479273.png)

> [I drink to make other people more interesting.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/i-drink-to-make-other-people-more-interesting/)

[Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/610/anonymous-1_alcohol_i-drink-to-make-other-people-more-intere_3156075.jpg)

> [You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mark-twain/you-can-tell-german-wine-from-vinegar-by-the-label/)

[Mark Twain](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mark-twain/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3b9/mark-twain-22_drinking_you-can-tell-german-wine-from-vinegar-by_2432836.png)

> [Who cares how time advances? I am drinking ale today.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/edgar-allan-poe/who-cares-how-time-advances-i-am-drinking-ale-today/)

[Edgar Allan Poe](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/edgar-allan-poe/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a8f/edgar-allan-poe-315_alcohol_who-cares-how-time-advances-i-am-drinkin_3113404.jpg)

> [Protocol, alcohol, and Geritol.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/adlai-e-stevenson/protocol-alcohol-and-geritol/)

[Adlai E. Stevenson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/adlai-e-stevenson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/365/adlai-e-stevenson-9902_alcohol_protocol-alcohol-and-geritol-2306087_2306087.jpg)

> [Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/n-f-simpson/reality-is-an-illusion-created-by-a-lack-of-alcohol/)

[N. F. Simpson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/n-f-simpson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b87/n-f-simpson-60274_alcohol_reality-is-an-illusion-created-by-a-lack_1457111.png)

> [ We drink \[to\] one another's health and spoil our own. ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jerome-k-jerome/we-drink-to-one-another-s-health-and-spoil-our-own/)

[Jerome K. Jerome](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jerome-k-jerome/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e20/jerome-k-jerome-1155_alcohol_we-drink-to-one-another-s-health-and-spo_1870253.png)

> [Any damn fool can navigate the world sober. It takes a really good sailor to do it drunk.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/francis-chichester/any-damn-fool-can-navigate-the-world-sober-it-takes-a-really-good/)

[Francis Chichester](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/francis-chichester/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b54/francis-chichester-85235_aviator_any-damn-fool-can-navigate-the-world-sob_2527892.png)

> [Nobody cares that you're smart and nobody cares that your kids don't have bruises.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jim-jefferies/nobody-cares-that-you-re-smart-and-nobody-cares-that-your-kids-don-t/)

[Jim Jefferies](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jim-jefferies/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a8b/jim-jefferies-8092_bruises_nobody-cares-that-you-re-smart-and-nobod_530062.jpg)

> [Not everyone who drinks is a poet. Some of us drink because we're not poets.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dudley-moore/not-everyone-who-drinks-is-a-poet-some-of-us-drink-because-we-re-not/)

[Dudley Moore](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dudley-moore/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/05c/dudley-moore-31419_drink_not-everyone-who-drinks-is-a-poet-some-o_2278194.png)

> [No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or so good as drink.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/gilbert-k-chesterton/no-animal-ever-invented-anything-as-bad-as-drunkenness-or-so-good-as/)

[Gilbert K. Chesterton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/gilbert-k-chesterton/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/838/gilbert-k-chesterton-223_alcohol_no-animal-ever-invented-anything-as-bad_721854.png)

> [I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/richard-pryor/i-had-to-stop-drinkin-cuz-i-got-tired-of-waking-up-in-my-car-driving/)

[Richard Pryor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/richard-pryor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8a1/richard-pryor-5290_alcohol_i-had-to-stop-drinkin-cuz-i-got-tired-of_373007.png)

> [I like to have a martini, Two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dorothy-parker/i-like-to-have-a-martini-two-at-the-very-most-after-three-i-m-under/)

[Dorothy Parker](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dorothy-parker/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/450/dorothy-parker-700_alcohol_i-like-to-have-a-martini-two-at-the-very_2831070.jpg)

> [A perfect martini should be made by filling a glass with gin then waving it in the general direction of Italy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/noel-coward/a-perfect-martini-should-be-made-by-filling-a-glass-with-gin-then/)

[Noel Coward](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/noel-coward/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2c6/noel-coward-2647_filling_a-perfect-martini-should-be-made-by-fill_1622264.png)

> [I only take a drink on two occasions - when I'm thirsty and when I'm not.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/brendan-behan/i-only-take-a-drink-on-two-occasions-when-i-m-thirsty-and-when-i-m-not/)

[Brendan Behan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/brendan-behan/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/59a/brendan-behan-8832_alcohol_i-only-take-a-drink-on-two-occasions-whe_2380554.png)

> [The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/conan-o-brien/the-british-government-has-urged-its-citizens-to-abstain-from-alcohol/)

[Conan O'Brien](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/conan-o-brien/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7ab/conan-o-brien-540_abstain_the-british-government-has-urged-its-cit_1210332.png)

> [I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/chelsea-handler/i-went-out-with-a-guy-who-once-told-me-i-didn-t-need-to-drink-to-make/)

[Chelsea Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/chelsea-handler/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e89/chelsea-handler-887_drink_i-went-out-with-a-guy-who-once-told-me-i_496114.jpg)

> [I don't have a drink problem. But if that was the case and doctors told me I had to stop, I'd like…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/oliver-reed/i-don-t-have-a-drink-problem-but-if-that-was-the-case-and-doctors/)

[Oliver Reed](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/oliver-reed/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/927/oliver-reed-17842_alcohol_i-don-t-have-a-drink-problem-but-if-that_839130.jpg)

> [It is most absurdly said, in popular language, of any man, that he is disguised in liquor; for, on the contrary, most…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/thomas-de-quincey/it-is-most-absurdly-said-in-popular-language-of-any-man-that-he-is/)

[Thomas de Quincey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/thomas-de-quincey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c3b/thomas-de-quincey-7896_alcohol_it-is-most-absurdly-said-in-popular-lang_50384.jpg)

> [Give an Irishman lager for a month and he's a dead man. An Irishman's stomach is lined with copper, and the beer…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mark-twain/give-an-irishman-lager-for-a-month-and-he-s-a-dead-man-an-irishman-s/)

[Mark Twain](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mark-twain/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/93d/mark-twain-22_alcohol_give-an-irishman-lager-for-a-month-and-h_592609.png)

> [A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk', to which I replied 'I am drunk today…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/winston-churchill/a-lady-came-up-to-me-one-day-and-said-sir-you-are-drunk-to-which-i/)

[Winston Churchill](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/winston-churchill/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3b7/winston-churchill-95_drinking_a-lady-came-up-to-me-one-day-and-said-si_1987797.jpg)

> [I like to do my principal research in bars, where people are more likely to tell the truth or, at least, lie…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/p-j-o-rourke/i-like-to-do-my-principal-research-in-bars-where-people-are-more/)

[P. J. O'Rourke](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/p-j-o-rourke/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f98/p-j-o-rourke-184_alcohol_i-like-to-do-my-principal-research-in-ba_2090734.png)

> [He that drinks fast, pays slow. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. There can't be…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/benjamin-franklin/he-that-drinks-fast-pays-slow-beer-is-proof-that-god-loves-us-and/)

[Benjamin Franklin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/benjamin-franklin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9a5/benjamin-franklin-65_alcohol_he-that-drinks-fast-pays-slow-beer-is-pr_2962577.png)

> [The harsh, useful things of the world, from pulling teeth to digging potatoes, are best done by men who are as starkly…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/h-l-mencken/the-harsh-useful-things-of-the-world-from-pulling-teeth-to-digging/)

[H. L. Mencken](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/h-l-mencken/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/52c/h-l-mencken-245_alcohol_the-harsh-useful-things-of-the-world-fro_2939248.png)

> [My name is Adam. My father's name is Adam. Having the same name as your father, it's alright until your voice changes.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/adam-sandler/my-name-is-adam-my-father-s-name-is-adam-having-the-same-name-as-your/)

[Adam Sandler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/adam-sandler/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/584/adam-sandler-2225_adam_my-name-is-adam-my-father-s-name-is-adam_2451025.jpg)

> [You can't be a real country unless you have a beer.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/frank-zappa/you-can-t-be-a-real-country-unless-you-have-a-beer/)

[Frank Zappa](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/frank-zappa/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/13d/frank-zappa-702_airline_you-can-t-be-a-real-country-unless-you-h_1076575.jpg)

> [Don't trust people who don't laugh. I don't.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/maya-angelou/don-t-trust-people-who-don-t-laugh-i-don-t/)

[Maya Angelou](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/maya-angelou/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ce7/maya-angelou-104_alcohol_don-t-trust-people-who-don-t-laugh-i-don_1912747.png)

> [Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nancy-astor/sir-if-you-were-my-husband-i-would-poison-your-drink/)

[Nancy Astor](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nancy-astor/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/03b/nancy-astor-16977_alcohol_sir-if-you-were-my-husband-i-would-poiso_2214917.jpg)

> [I don't trust people who don't use profanity.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mark-oliver-everett/i-don-t-trust-people-who-don-t-use-profanity/)

[Mark Oliver Everett](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mark-oliver-everett/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a23/mark-oliver-everett-33723_alcohol_i-don-t-trust-people-who-don-t-use-profa_3042515.png)

> [Here's to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/f-scott-fitzgerald/here-s-to-alcohol-the-rose-colored-glasses-of-life/)

[F. Scott Fitzgerald](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/f-scott-fitzgerald/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f9/f-scott-fitzgerald-72_alcohol_here-s-to-alcohol-the-rose-colored-glass_75545.jpg)

> [You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/celia-rivenbark/you-can-t-drink-all-day-if-you-don-t-start-in-the-morning/)

[Celia Rivenbark](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/celia-rivenbark/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de8/celia-rivenbark-15261_beer_you-can-t-drink-all-day-if-you-don-t-sta_1564347.jpg)

> [I feel sorry for people who do not have a Bible to lean on.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/adrian-rogers/i-feel-sorry-for-people-who-do-not-have-a-bible-to-lean-on/)

[Adrian Rogers](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/adrian-rogers/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d7d/adrian-rogers-2096_alcohol_i-feel-sorry-for-people-who-do-not-have_1064748.png)

> [There can be nothing more frequent than an occasional drink.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/oscar-wilde/there-can-be-nothing-more-frequent-than-an-occasional-drink/)

[Oscar Wilde](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/oscar-wilde/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa0/oscar-wilde-16_drink_there-can-be-nothing-more-frequent-than_2712330.jpg)

> [Any man who eats dessert is not drinking enough.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ernest-hemingway/any-man-who-eats-dessert-is-not-drinking-enough/)

[Ernest Hemingway](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ernest-hemingway/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1fc/ernest-hemingway-83_alcohol_any-man-who-eats-dessert-is-not-drinking_1858841.jpg)

> [My advice to you... is to start drinking heavily.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-belushi/my-advice-to-you-is-to-start-drinking-heavily/)

[John Belushi](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-belushi/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/94e/john-belushi-18488_advice_my-advice-to-you-is-to-start-drinking-he_2153473.jpg)

> [A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/albert-einstein/a-bartender-is-just-a-pharmacist-with-a-limited-inventory/)

[Albert Einstein](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/albert-einstein/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f80/albert-einstein-33_alcohol_a-bartender-is-just-a-pharmacist-with-a_2092242.jpg)

> [Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/winston-churchill/madam-if-you-were-my-wife-i-would-drink-it/)

[Winston Churchill](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/winston-churchill/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1d4/winston-churchill-95_alcohol_madam-if-you-were-my-wife-i-would-drink_2653081.jpg)

> [I like to have a martini, Two at the very most.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dorothy-parker/i-like-to-have-a-martini-two-at-the-very-most/)

[Dorothy Parker](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dorothy-parker/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f4c/dorothy-parker-700_alcohol_i-like-to-have-a-martini-two-at-the-very_1190911.jpg)

> [We drink and we die and continue to drink.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/denis-leary/we-drink-and-we-die-and-continue-to-drink/)

[Denis Leary](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/denis-leary/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/881/denis-leary-1350_continue_we-drink-and-we-die-and-continue-to-drin_2849492.png)

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                        "text": "I like to have a martini, Two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host.",
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                        "text": "A perfect martini should be made by filling a glass with gin then waving it in the general direction of Italy.",
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                        "text": "The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.",
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                        "text": "Give an Irishman lager for a month and he's a dead man. An Irishman's stomach is lined with copper, and the beer corrodes it. But whiskey polishes the copper and is the saving of him.",
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                        "text": "A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk', to which I replied 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly.",
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                        "text": "My name is Adam. My father's name is Adam. Having the same name as your father, it's alright until your voice changes. My friends would always call up, 'Is Adam there?' My father would say, 'This is Adam.' My friends would say, 'Adam, you were so wasted last night.'",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.",
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                        "text": "You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.",
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