---
title: "170 Funny-and-random Quotes by 113 authors"
description: "Browse 170 Funny-and-random quotes by 113 authors. Discover the best Funny-and-random sayings and thoughts."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e0/r-d-cole-46449_funny-and-random_f-ck-a-duck-and-sh-t-on-a-goldfish-crack_1067081.jpg"
---

> [“F\*ck a duck and sh\*t on a goldfish cracker!”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/r-d-cole/f-ck-a-duck-and-sh-t-on-a-goldfish-cracker/)

[R.D. Cole](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/r-d-cole/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e0/r-d-cole-46449_funny-and-random_f-ck-a-duck-and-sh-t-on-a-goldfish-crack_1067081.jpg)

> [“Poseidon's underpants! You can't be serious.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rick-riordan/poseidon-s-underpants-you-can-t-be-serious/)

[Rick Riordan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rick-riordan/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/58e/rick-riordan-27_funny-and-random_poseidon-s-underpants-you-can-t-be-serio_1053559.jpg)

> [“My hand. Is on. His penis.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/t-l-martin/my-hand-is-on-his-penis/)

[T.L. Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/t-l-martin/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fa1/t-l-martin-36164_funny-and-random_my-hand-is-on-his-penis-1260815_1260815.jpg)

> [“She now looked like an ad for gape porn.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/aron-beauregard/she-now-looked-like-an-ad-for-gape-porn/)

[Aron Beauregard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/aron-beauregard/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/77e/aron-beauregard-101276_extreme-horror-novel_she-now-looked-like-an-ad-for-gape-porn_2357078.jpg)

> [“World domination is just my side gig.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tanjlisa-marie/world-domination-is-just-my-side-gig/)

[Tanjlisa Marie](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tanjlisa-marie/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/acc/tanjlisa-marie-105912_domination_world-domination-is-just-my-side-gig-274_27446.jpg)

> [“EAT SANDWICH, NOT OWN MOUTH.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lauren-conrad/eat-sandwich-not-own-mouth/)

[Lauren Conrad](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lauren-conrad/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/08b/lauren-conrad-1588_funny-and-random_eat-sandwich-not-own-mouth-1367725_1367725.jpg)

> [“Do you remember what I forgot?”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/erica-goros/do-you-remember-what-i-forgot/)

[Erica Goros](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/erica-goros/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/10d/erica-goros-19486_age_do-you-remember-what-i-forgot-920330_920330.jpg)

> [“Tell Savitar I said hi.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sherrilyn-kenyon/tell-savitar-i-said-hi/)

[Sherrilyn Kenyon](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sherrilyn-kenyon/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bde/sherrilyn-kenyon-25_funny-and-random_tell-savitar-i-said-hi-2694015_2694015.jpg)

> [“Never make eye contact with a stranger when you’re having a churro.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rucy-ban/never-make-eye-contact-with-a-stranger-when-you-re-having-a-churro/)

[Rucy Ban](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rucy-ban/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/325/rucy-ban-27929_eye-contact_never-make-eye-contact-with-a-stranger-w_3085173.jpg)

> [“You're (I'm) not weird, you're (I'm) just not preticularily normal.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ben-van-waterschoot/you-re-i-m-not-weird-you-re-i-m-just-not-preticularily-normal/)

[Ben van Waterschoot](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ben-van-waterschoot/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6db/ben-van-waterschoot-222676_funny-and-random_you-re-i-m-not-weird-you-re-i-m-just-not_1492911.jpg)

> [“If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/josh-stern/if-you-know-how-to-open-doors-with-just-a-smile-you-must-need-your/)

[Josh Stern](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/josh-stern/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a5c/josh-stern-2480_absurd_if-you-know-how-to-open-doors-with-just_358697.jpg)

> [“You keep the title of 'president' even if you served only one term. The same goes for rapists.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christy-leigh-stewart/you-keep-the-title-of-president-even-if-you-served-only-one-term-the/)

[Christy Leigh Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christy-leigh-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/29f/christy-leigh-stewart-15968_funny-and-random_you-keep-the-title-of-president-even-if_105631.jpg)

> [“May you be wise. Stop telling lies. Also, don't eat flies.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-willey/may-you-be-wise-stop-telling-lies-also-don-t-eat-flies/)

[Sarah Willey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-willey/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/385/sarah-willey-49508_funny-and-random_may-you-be-wise-stop-telling-lies-also-d_504789.jpg)

> [“Miguel: Merle? What kind of hick name is that? I wouldn't name my dog Merle.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/the-walking-dead/miguel-merle-what-kind-of-hick-name-is-that-i-wouldn-t-name-my-dog/)

[The Walking Dead](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/the-walking-dead/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b27/the-walking-dead-42991_funny-and-random_miguel-merle-what-kind-of-hick-name-is-t_3112637.jpg)

> [“I guess it’s worth a shot.” More than likely a wasted bullet, but I’ll fire anyway.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/brandy-nacole/i-guess-it-s-worth-a-shot-more-than-likely-a-wasted-bullet-but-i-ll/)

[Brandy Nacole](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/brandy-nacole/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b4/brandy-nacole-20717_funny-and-random_i-guess-it-s-worth-a-shot-more-than-like_1812731.jpg)

> [“You are having a bad day? Remember it could always be worse... It could be me having a bad day!”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mark-w-boyer-2/you-are-having-a-bad-day-remember-it-could-always-be-worse-it-could/)

[Mark W. Boyer](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mark-w-boyer-2/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2a4/mark-w-boyer-2-47646_bad-day_you-are-having-a-bad-day-remember-it-cou_2157210.jpg)

> [“I get the feeling humanity would be thrilled to discover life on another planet. So why not rediscover it here and really…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tom-althouse/i-get-the-feeling-humanity-would-be-thrilled-to-discover-life-on/)

[Tom Althouse](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tom-althouse/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c65/tom-althouse-11052_funny-and-random_i-get-the-feeling-humanity-would-be-thri_2720208.jpg)

> [“This isn't a trunk monkey, is it." Nick "No. It's not. It's a memento from your enemies." Caleb "Yeah, well, at least…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sherrilyn-kenyon/this-isn-t-a-trunk-monkey-is-it-nick-no-it-s-not-it-s-a-memento-from/)

[Sherrilyn Kenyon](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sherrilyn-kenyon/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a14/sherrilyn-kenyon-25_caleb_this-isn-t-a-trunk-monkey-is-it-nick-no_592833.jpg)

> [“Does anyone else day dream about what it would be like if specific age groups just dropped dead all across the world?”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christy-leigh-stewart/does-anyone-else-day-dream-about-what-it-would-be-like-if-specific/)

[Christy Leigh Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christy-leigh-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3c9/christy-leigh-stewart-15968_death_does-anyone-else-day-dream-about-what-it_2873073.jpg)

> [“The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christy-leigh-stewart/the-wider-you-spread-your-fingers-apart-while-clapping-is-equal-to/)

[Christy Leigh Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christy-leigh-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8cb/christy-leigh-stewart-15968_applause_the-wider-you-spread-your-fingers-apart_1781379.jpg)

> [“why can't you place a blessing like that on us," I asked. "It only works on wild animals," "So it would only…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rick-riordan/why-can-t-you-place-a-blessing-like-that-on-us-i-asked-it-only-works/)

[Rick Riordan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rick-riordan/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/828/rick-riordan-27_blessing_why-can-t-you-place-a-blessing-like-that_807563.jpg)

> [“So if you are what you eat and you are as young as you feel, then I am a pizza, right out…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tom-althouse/so-if-you-are-what-you-eat-and-you-are-as-young-as-you-feel-then-i-am/)

[Tom Althouse](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tom-althouse/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/54e/tom-althouse-11052_funny-and-random_so-if-you-are-what-you-eat-and-you-are-a_1483333.jpg)

> [“I was very responsible, and very mature. Travis says otherwise, but he’s not important right now. We’re focused on me.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/finn-eccleston/i-was-very-responsible-and-very-mature-travis-says-otherwise-but-he-s/)

[Finn Eccleston](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/finn-eccleston/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9ca/finn-eccleston-48402_funny-and-random_i-was-very-responsible-and-very-mature-t_1427283.jpg)

> [“So, am I too, like all other humans, just a rogue? Sure! Just a notch less than those rascals wearing godly robes.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/fakeer-ishavardas/so-am-i-too-like-all-other-humans-just-a-rogue-sure-just-a-notch-less/)

[Fakeer Ishavardas](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/fakeer-ishavardas/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/21e/fakeer-ishavardas-7140_funny-and-random_so-am-i-too-like-all-other-humans-just-a_1830330.jpg)

> [“His green eyes blazed with desire; such a different look than I'd known before. Chase had studied me, reading my feelings. Tucker…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kristen-simmons/his-green-eyes-blazed-with-desire-such-a-different-look-than-i-d/)

[Kristen Simmons](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kristen-simmons/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/461/kristen-simmons-14926_funny-and-random_his-green-eyes-blazed-with-desire-such-a_1168806.jpg)

> [“ROSA MET ME at the door with a shotgun. Strictly speaking, not aimed at me, but you don’t really have to aim…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/j-c-nelson/rosa-met-me-at-the-door-with-a-shotgun-strictly-speaking-not-aimed-at/)

[J.C. Nelson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/j-c-nelson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/943/j-c-nelson-62399_blood_rosa-met-me-at-the-door-with-a-shotgun-s_1005597.jpg)

> [If your mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to reply that you won't. It is better and more…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mark-twain/if-your-mother-tells-you-to-do-a-thing-it-is-wrong-to-reply-that-you/)

[Mark Twain](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mark-twain/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a2c/mark-twain-22_becoming_if-your-mother-tells-you-to-do-a-thing-i_1163604.png)

> [“I shook my head. “I thought you had a ‘No princesses’ rule.” “Rules are made to be broken,” said Grimm. Ari sat…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/j-c-nelson/i-shook-my-head-i-thought-you-had-a-no-princesses-rule-rules-are-made/)

[J.C. Nelson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/j-c-nelson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/776/j-c-nelson-62399_fairy-tales_i-shook-my-head-i-thought-you-had-a-no-p_2705822.jpg)

> [“Hasn’t stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we’d be dead by now and would be having an…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/maria-v-snyder/hasn-t-stopped-us-before-and-besides-if-they-wanted-to-kill-us-we-d/)

[Maria V. Snyder](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/maria-v-snyder/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6db/maria-v-snyder-1261_after-death_hasn-t-stopped-us-before-and-besides-if_373254.jpg)

> [“After reading some of my stories, I once had a friend say to me, "I'd love to spend five minutes in your…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mark-w-boyer/after-reading-some-of-my-stories-i-once-had-a-friend-say-to-me-i-d/)

[Mark W Boyer](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mark-w-boyer/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/517/mark-w-boyer-11170_boyer_after-reading-some-of-my-stories-i-once_1109366.jpg)

> [“I was shameless in my supermarket-shelf mass-market taste. I loved King, Evanovich, Grisham and Brown. I won't lie; the oficial-looking filing cabinet…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/molly-harper/i-was-shameless-in-my-supermarket-shelf-mass-market-taste-i-loved/)

[Molly Harper](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/molly-harper/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da6/molly-harper-2053_funny-and-random_i-was-shameless-in-my-supermarket-shelf_9057.png)

> [“Right now, I couldn't have cared less if someone had waltzed across the room in a large flower costume with a sign…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lauren-willig/right-now-i-couldn-t-have-cared-less-if-someone-had-waltzed-across/)

[Lauren Willig](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lauren-willig/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/802/lauren-willig-8632_funny-and-random_right-now-i-couldn-t-have-cared-less-if_1446398.jpg)

> [“Somehow she had climbed halfway up his body before he managed to grasp her waist. He plucked her off and set her…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/thea-harrison/somehow-she-had-climbed-halfway-up-his-body-before-he-managed-to/)

[Thea Harrison](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/thea-harrison/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cdb/thea-harrison-1089_funny-and-random_somehow-she-had-climbed-halfway-up-his-b_1233634.jpg)

> [“I thought you'd be gone by now." Velkan "Hardly, I have to much to do." Esperetta "Such as?" Velkan "Apologize to you."…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sherrilyn-kenyon/i-thought-you-d-be-gone-by-now-velkan-hardly-i-have-to-much-to-do/)

[Sherrilyn Kenyon](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sherrilyn-kenyon/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/042/sherrilyn-kenyon-25_funny-and-random_i-thought-you-d-be-gone-by-now-velkan-ha_2259489.jpg)

> [“He done his level best. Was he a mining on the flat.. He done it with a zest.. Was he a leading…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mark-twain/he-done-his-level-best-was-he-a-mining-on-the-flat-he-done-it-with-a/)

[Mark Twain](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mark-twain/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cc6/mark-twain-22_funny-and-random_he-done-his-level-best-was-he-a-mining-o_1368644.png)

> [“Caddy came home on Friday evening. Perfectly Harmless Patrick brought her in his battered old car... "Crikey, Caddy!" said Indigo, and he…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/hilary-mckay/caddy-came-home-on-friday-evening-perfectly-harmless-patrick-brought/)

[Hilary McKay](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/hilary-mckay/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9b3/hilary-mckay-16133_boyfriends_caddy-came-home-on-friday-evening-perfec_1476575.jpg)

> [ “NORA \[looking earnestly and a little doubtfully at him\]. Surely if you let one woman cry on you like that you'd never… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-bernard-shaw/nora-looking-earnestly-and-a-little-doubtfully-at-him-surely-if-you/)

[George Bernard Shaw](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-bernard-shaw/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c61/george-bernard-shaw-68_first-love_nora-looking-earnestly-and-a-little-doub_822967.png)

> [“Morelli was wearing a blazer over a black knit shirt, He took a seat, and his jacket swung wide, exposing the gun…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/janet-evanovich/morelli-was-wearing-a-blazer-over-a-black-knit-shirt-he-took-a-seat/)

[Janet Evanovich](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/janet-evanovich/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/237/janet-evanovich-291_funny-and-random_morelli-was-wearing-a-blazer-over-a-blac_1523137.jpg)

> [“Is this your holiday homework?" asked Sarah. "Don't do it, Rose! And Eve will write you a note to say it's iniquitous…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/hilary-mckay/is-this-your-holiday-homework-asked-sarah-don-t-do-it-rose-and-eve/)

[Hilary McKay](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/hilary-mckay/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f0f/hilary-mckay-16133_ancient-egyptian_is-this-your-holiday-homework-asked-sara_1204652.jpg)

> [“Darling Daddy, This is Rose. Saffy says everyone says it is Indigo's fault that their Head has two black eyes and a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/hilary-mckay/darling-daddy-this-is-rose-saffy-says-everyone-says-it-is-indigo-s/)

[Hilary McKay](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/hilary-mckay/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ed/hilary-mckay-16133_black-eyes_darling-daddy-this-is-rose-saffy-says-ev_384774.jpg)

## Top authors on Funny-and-random

- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b022/author-sherrilyn-kenyon-84925.jpg) Sherrilyn Kenyon 9 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny-and-random/sherrilyn-kenyon/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b001/author-josh-stern-2480.jpg) Josh Stern 8 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny-and-random/josh-stern/)
- [Nenia Campbell 7 quotes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny-and-random/nenia-campbell/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b013/author-finn-eccleston-48402.jpg) Finn Eccleston 6 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny-and-random/finn-eccleston/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b011/author-hilary-mckay-42018.jpg) Hilary McKay 5 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny-and-random/hilary-mckay/)
- [Christy Leigh Stewart 5 quotes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/funny-and-random/christy-leigh-stewart/)

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                        "@type": "Quotation",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "“You're (I'm) not weird, you're (I'm) just not preticularily normal.”",
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                        "text": "“If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months”",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "“You keep the title of 'president' even if you served only one term. The same goes for rapists.”",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "“May you be wise. Stop telling lies. Also, don't eat flies.”",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "“Miguel: Merle? What kind of hick name is that? I wouldn't name my dog Merle.”",
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                        "text": "“I guess it’s worth a shot.” More than likely a wasted bullet, but I’ll fire anyway.”",
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                        "text": "“You are having a bad day? Remember it could always be worse... It could be me having a bad day!”",
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                        "text": "“I get the feeling humanity would be thrilled to discover life on another planet. So why not rediscover it here and really cherish it.”",
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                        "text": "“This isn't a trunk monkey, is it.\" Nick \"No. It's not. It's a memento from your enemies.\" Caleb \"Yeah, well, at least it makes my heart surgery scar look cooler.\" Nick”",
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                        "text": "“why can't you place a blessing like that on us,\" I asked. \"It only works on wild animals,\" \"So it would only affect Percy,\" Annabeth reasoned.”",
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                        "text": "“ROSA MET ME at the door with a shotgun. Strictly speaking, not aimed at me, but you don’t really have to aim a sawed-off shotgun. She swung it toward me. “You, get in there.” She turned her attention to the crowd. “The rest of you will take a number and have a seat.” Her paperwork skills might have been lousy, but her personal touch was something I aspired to.”",
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                        "text": "If your mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to reply that you won't. It is better and more becoming to intimate that you will do as she bids you, and then afterwards act quietly in the matter according to the dictates of your better judgment.",
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                        "text": "“I shook my head. “I thought you had a ‘No princesses’ rule.” “Rules are made to be broken,” said Grimm. Ari sat back in the chair, her eyes closed. “Of course, young lady, there’s the matter of how we sign our contracts.” “Not gonna happen.” Ari threw a pen at the mirror for emphasis.”",
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                        "text": "“Hasn’t stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we’d be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I’d still be mad at you, or if we would talk in words or pictures. Maybe in smells. That would be cool.” -Janco”",
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                        "text": "“After reading some of my stories, I once had a friend say to me, \"I'd love to spend five minutes in your head to see what's going on in there.\" I warned them, \"If you spent five seconds in my mind you'd probably run out screaming and never speak to me again.”",
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                        "text": "“I was shameless in my supermarket-shelf mass-market taste. I loved King, Evanovich, Grisham and Brown. I won't lie; the oficial-looking filing cabinet in the corner is actually stuffed full of my paperbacks.”",
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                        "text": "“Right now, I couldn't have cared less if someone had waltzed across the room in a large flower costume with a sign saying GET YOUR BLACK TULIPS HERE. Every nerve in my body was on man-alert, screaming, \"incoming!”",
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                        "text": "“Somehow she had climbed halfway up his body before he managed to grasp her waist. He plucked her off and set her on her feet. She started to climb up his body again. “Are you having fun?” he asked suspiciously. “We’re on the fucking moon!” she shouted. “There’s nothing here!” He stared at her. “I don’t think you’re having fun.” “No air!” He shook his head. “Think about that logically. Could you have possibly said those words if there truly was no air? Of course there’s no air or atmosphere outside this bubble—” “Ofcoursethere’snofuckingairhereorfuckingatmosphereonthefuckinggoddamnMOONyouGODDAMNFUCKINGCRAZYMORONICDJINN…” “Grace,” he roared in her face.”",
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                        "text": "“I thought you'd be gone by now.\" Velkan \"Hardly, I have to much to do.\" Esperetta \"Such as?\" Velkan \"Apologize to you.\" Esperetta \"Why would you do that?\" Velkan \"Because I'm stupid and pigheaded. Judgmental. Unforgiving. Mistrustful--you can stop me at anytime, you know?\" Esperetta \"Why should i? You're on quite a roll. Besides, you missed the worst flaw.\" Velkan \"And that is?\" Esperetta \"Hotheaded.\" Velkan \"I learned that one from you.\" Esperetta \"How so?\" Velkan \"Remember that time you threw your boots into the fire because you had trouble getting them off?\" \"I never did that.\" Velkan \"Yes, you did. You also gave your favorite saddle to the stable master because it scratched your leg as you dismounted and told him he could have it but, personally, you'd burn it, too.\" Esperetta”",
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                        "text": "“He done his level best. Was he a mining on the flat.. He done it with a zest.. Was he a leading of the choir.. He done his level best. If he'd a reg'lar task to do, He never took no rest.. Or if 'twas off and on the same.. He done his level best. If he was preachin' on his beat, He'd tramp from east to west, And north to south ..in cold and heat.. He done his level best. He'd Yank a sinner outen (Hades), And land him with the blest; Then snatch a prayer'n waltz in again, And do his level best. He'd cuss and sing and howl and pray, And dance and drink and jest, He done his level best. Whate'er this man was sot to do He done it with a zest; No matter what his contract was, He'd do his level best...”",
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                        "text": "“Caddy came home on Friday evening. Perfectly Harmless Patrick brought her in his battered old car... \"Crikey, Caddy!\" said Indigo, and he disappeared upstairs to tell Rose. Eve murmured, \"Sweet,\" rather doubtfully. Sarah said, not doubtfully at all, \"Horrendous! The worst yet. Rock bottom.\" \"He had a very difficult childhood,\" said Caddy… \"Who didn't?\" asked Saffron unsympathetically. \"Gosh, he's ancient, Caddy! Look, he's going bald! All that long trailing stuff is just a disguise!\" \"If I was going bald,\" said Sarah, \"I would face the fact and have it all shaved off.\" \"Well, I thought Mummy would like him,\" said Caddy defensively. \"...Anyway, I can always take him back.\" \"I think you're going to have to, Caddy darling,\" said Eve... \"Hello, Rose darling! Come in and see what Caddy has brought home to show us!\" She escaped, and Rose, who had already heard the news from Indigo, glanced at Patrick and began laughing. \"See?\" said Sarah. \"Rose knows! Absolutely rock bottom! You cannot be serious, Caddy!\" \"Oh, stop looking at him!\" said Caddy, uncomfortably. \"I'll find something to cover him up with in a minute!\" \"How long are you leaving him there for?\" asked Rose. \"Just until Sunday,\" said Caddy, trying to sound casual. \"Till Sunday!\" repeated Saffron. \"So is Micheal dumped?\" \"Of course he isn't!\" said Caddy indignantly. \"I've never dumped anyone!\" \"Start!\" said Saffron. \"Otherwise they just pile up, taking up the sofas...”",
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                        "text": "“NORA [looking earnestly and a little doubtfully at him]. Surely if you let one woman cry on you like that you'd never let another touch you. BROADBENT [conscientiously]. One should not. One OUGHT not, my dear girl. But the honest truth is, if a chap is at all a pleasant sort of chap, his chest becomes a fortification that has to stand many assaults: at least it is so in England. NORA [curtly, much disgusted]. Then you'd better marry an Englishwoman. BROADBENT [making a wry face]. No, no: the Englishwoman is too prosaic for my taste, too material, too much of the animated beefsteak about her. The ideal is what I like. Now Larry's taste is just the opposite: he likes em solid and bouncing and rather keen about him. It's a very convenient difference; for we've never been in love with the same woman. NORA. An d'ye mean to tell me to me face that you've ever been in love before? BROADBENT. Lord! yes. NORA. I'm not your first love? BROADBENT. First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity: no really self-respecting woman would take advantage of it. No, my dear Nora: I've done with all that long ago. Love affairs always end in rows. We're not going to have any rows: we're going to have a solid four-square home: man and wife: comfort and common sense--and plenty of affection, eh [he puts his arm round her with confident proprietorship]? NORA [coldly, trying to get away]. I don't want any other woman's leavings. BROADBENT [holding her]. Nobody asked you to, ma'am. I never asked any woman to marry me before. NORA [severely]. Then why didn't you if you're an honorable man? BROADBENT. Well, to tell you the truth, they were mostly married already. But never mind! there was nothing wrong. Come! Don't take a mean advantage of me. After all, you must have had a fancy or two yourself, eh?”",
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                        "text": "“Morelli was wearing a blazer over a black knit shirt, He took a seat, and his jacket swung wide, exposing the gun at his hip. \"Nice piece!\" Grandma said. \"What is it? Is that a forty-five?\" \"It's a nine- millimeter.\" \"Don't suppose you'd let me see it,\" Grandma said. \"I'd sure like to get the feel of a gun like that.\" \"No!\" said everyone in unison. \"I shot a chicken once,\" Grandma explained to Morelli. \"It was an accident.\" \"Where did you shoot it?\" he finally asked. \"In the gumpy,\" Grandma said. \"Shot it clear off.”",
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                        "text": "“Is this your holiday homework?\" asked Sarah. \"Don't do it, Rose! And Eve will write you a note to say it's iniquitous to give eight-year-olds homework. You will, won't you, Eve?\" \"I could never spell 'iniquitous,' Sarah darling!\" \"Hot concrete,\" said Rose mournfully, prodding her porridge. \"Write this,\" ordered Saffron. \"'The ancient Egyptians are all dead. Their days are very quiet.' Porridge is meant to look like hot concrete. Eat it up… Read the next question!\"... \"What would you say if you bumped into Tutankhamen in the street?\" \"'Sorry!'\" said Sarah at once. \"Put that.\" \"We have to answer in proper sentences.\" \"'Sorry, but it was your fault! You were walking sideways!”",
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                        "text": "“Darling Daddy, This is Rose. Saffy says everyone says it is Indigo's fault that their Head has two black eyes and a swelled-up nose. Love from Rose. P.S. Sarah who is here says to tell you love from wheelchair woman too. Rose's father telephoned especially to tell Rose not to call Sarah Wheelchair Woman. \"That's what she called herself,\" protested Rose. \"She thought of it! Aren't you worried about what I told you about Indigo and the Head?\" \"What?\" asked Bill. \"Oh that! Two black eyes and a swollen nose! I don't think I can believe that one, Rose darling!”",
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