--- title: "23 Firsts Quotes By Jack Handey" description: "23 Firsts quotes by Jack Handey. Plus more from Jack Handey and more Firsts sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9be/jack-handey-829_angry_it-makes-me-mad-when-people-say-i-turned_3038209.jpg" --- > [It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-makes-me-mad-when-people-say-i-turned-and-ran-like-a-scared-rabbit/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9be/jack-handey-829_angry_it-makes-me-mad-when-people-say-i-turned_3038209.jpg) > [I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-have-to-laugh-when-i-think-of-the-first-cigar-because-it-was/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e0/jack-handey-829_bunch_i-have-to-laugh-when-i-think-of-the-firs_1809562.jpg) > [Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/whenever-i-see-an-old-lady-slip-and-fall-on-a-wet-sidewalk-my-first/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b6/jack-handey-829_ants_whenever-i-see-an-old-lady-slip-and-fall_600960.jpg) > [If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under"…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-re-ever-stuck-in-some-thick-undergrowth-in-your-underwear-don/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/349/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_if-you-re-ever-stuck-in-some-thick-under_2293350.jpg) > [If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-re-a-blacksmith-probably-the-proudest-day-of-your-life-is-when/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e6/jack-handey-829_anvils_if-you-re-a-blacksmith-probably-the-prou_1248594.jpg) > [Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/basically-there-are-three-ways-the-skunk-and-i-are-a-lot-alike-the/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af0/jack-handey-829_car_basically-there-are-three-ways-the-skunk_743007.jpg) > [When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-first-start-wearing-a-turban-probably-the-most-common/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fd5/jack-handey-829_breathe_when-you-first-start-wearing-a-turban-pr_2761458.jpg) > [Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/even-though-he-was-and-enemy-of-mine-i-had-to-admit-that-what-he-had/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac6/jack-handey-829_accomplished_even-though-he-was-and-enemy-of-mine-i-h_656053.jpg) > [I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-ll-be-the-first-to-admit-that-my-idea-of-god-is-pretty-different-i/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c81/jack-handey-829_beard_i-ll-be-the-first-to-admit-that-my-idea_878615.jpg) > [Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/many-people-think-that-history-is-a-dull-subject-dull-is-it-dull-that/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92c/jack-handey-829_ants_many-people-think-that-history-is-a-dull_2419946.jpg) > [I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-there-was-a-disease-where-you-re-afraid-of-clouds-because-i/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/09e/jack-handey-829_clouds_i-wish-there-was-a-disease-where-you-re_1172084.jpg) > [Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/here-s-a-good-thing-to-do-if-you-go-to-a-party-and-you-don-t-know/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de4/jack-handey-829_busy_here-s-a-good-thing-to-do-if-you-go-to-a_1333541.jpg) > [What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/what-am-i-afraid-of-i-ll-tell-you-a-feather-that-s-right-a-feather/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/efb/jack-handey-829_answers_what-am-i-afraid-of-i-ll-tell-you-a-feat_2930787.jpg) > [At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a-perfect-secret-identity-would/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/881/jack-handey-829_bills_at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a_16657.jpg) > [There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/there-are-many-stages-to-a-man-s-life-in-the-first-stage-he-is-young/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d5c/jack-handey-829_beavers_there-are-many-stages-to-a-man-s-life-in_2147797.jpg) > [I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-remember-how-my-great-uncle-jerry-would-sit-on-the-porch-and/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/012/jack-handey-829_boat_i-remember-how-my-great-uncle-jerry-woul_2255961.jpg) > [When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-i-found-the-skull-in-the-woods-the-first-thing-i-did-was-call/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da1/jack-handey-829_curious_when-i-found-the-skull-in-the-woods-the_513961.jpg) > [If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-ever-feel-like-you-re-on-the-verge-of-a-nervous-breakdown-just/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b8a/jack-handey-829_anxiety_if-you-ever-feel-like-you-re-on-the-verg_2805874.jpg) > [Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/isn-t-it-funny-how-whenever-we-go-to-a-county-fair-or-a-state-fair/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f54/jack-handey-829_county_isn-t-it-funny-how-whenever-we-go-to-a-c_2578844.jpg) > [If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-get-invited-to-your-first-orgy-don-t-just-show-up-nude-that-s/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7fa/jack-handey-829_common_if-you-get-invited-to-your-first-orgy-do_1130362.jpg) > [The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/the-first-thing-was-i-learned-to-forgive-myself-then-i-told-myself-go/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d7/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_the-first-thing-was-i-learned-to-forgive_973256.jpg) > [Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/something-tells-me-that-the-first-mousetrap-wasn-t-designed-to-catch/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fba/jack-handey-829_cheese_something-tells-me-that-the-first-mouset_1568342.jpg) > [I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-good-scene-in-a-movie-would-be-where-one-scientist-tells/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d7/jack-handey-829_asylums_i-think-a-good-scene-in-a-movie-would-be_1230770.jpg) ## Other authors on Firsts ## More by Jack Handey > [Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-life-seems-like-a-dream-especially-when-i-look-down-and-see/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-the-best-thanksgiving-we-ever-had-was-one-where-we-didn-t/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a-perfect-secret-identity-would/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-i-wonder-if-i-m-patriotic-enough-yes-i-want-to-kill-people/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-don-t-understand-people-who-say-life-is-a-mystery-because-what-is/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-s-probably-not-a-good-idea-to-be-chewing-on-a-toothpick-if-you-re/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/probably-to-a-shark-about-the-funniest-thing-there-is-is-a-wounded/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-i-lived-back-in-the-old-west-days-because-i-d-save-up-my-money/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/why-do-there-have-to-be-rules-for-everything-it-s-gotten-to-the-point/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/most-people-don-t-realize-that-large-pieces-of-coral-which-have-been/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/here-s-a-suggestion-for-a-new-animal-if-some-new-ones-get-created-or/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-ice-skating-try-not-to-swing-your-arms-too-much-because/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-to-a-party-at-somebody-s-house-don-t-automatically-assume/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/he-was-a-cowboy-mister-and-he-loved-the-land-he-loved-it-so-much-he/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-a-gladiator-in-olden-days-i-bet-the-inefficiency-of-how/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/firsts/jack-handey/#itemlist", "name": "23 Firsts Quotes By Jack Handey", "numberOfItems": 23, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. 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But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/whenever-i-see-an-old-lady-slip-and-fall-on-a-wet-sidewalk-my-first/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b6/jack-handey-829_ants_whenever-i-see-an-old-lady-slip-and-fall_600960.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b6/jack-handey-829_ants_whenever-i-see-an-old-lady-slip-and-fall_600960.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b6/jack-handey-829_ants_whenever-i-see-an-old-lady-slip-and-fall_600960.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. 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How innocent you are, little blacksmith.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-re-a-blacksmith-probably-the-proudest-day-of-your-life-is-when/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e6/jack-handey-829_anvils_if-you-re-a-blacksmith-probably-the-prou_1248594.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e6/jack-handey-829_anvils_if-you-re-a-blacksmith-probably-the-prou_1248594.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2e6/jack-handey-829_anvils_if-you-re-a-blacksmith-probably-the-prou_1248594.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. 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The third is stripes.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/basically-there-are-three-ways-the-skunk-and-i-are-a-lot-alike-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af0/jack-handey-829_car_basically-there-are-three-ways-the-skunk_743007.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af0/jack-handey-829_car_basically-there-are-three-ways-the-skunk_743007.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af0/jack-handey-829_car_basically-there-are-three-ways-the-skunk_743007.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-first-start-wearing-a-turban-probably-the-most-common/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fd5/jack-handey-829_breathe_when-you-first-start-wearing-a-turban-pr_2761458.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fd5/jack-handey-829_breathe_when-you-first-start-wearing-a-turban-pr_2761458.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fd5/jack-handey-829_breathe_when-you-first-start-wearing-a-turban-pr_2761458.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/even-though-he-was-and-enemy-of-mine-i-had-to-admit-that-what-he-had/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac6/jack-handey-829_accomplished_even-though-he-was-and-enemy-of-mine-i-h_656053.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac6/jack-handey-829_accomplished_even-though-he-was-and-enemy-of-mine-i-h_656053.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac6/jack-handey-829_accomplished_even-though-he-was-and-enemy-of-mine-i-h_656053.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long white beard, a gold crown, and a long robe with lots of shiny jewels on it. He sits on a big throne in the clouds, and He's about five hundred feet tall. He talks in a real deep voice like \"I...AM...GOD!\" He can blow up stuff just by looking at it. This is my own, personal idea of God.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-ll-be-the-first-to-admit-that-my-idea-of-god-is-pretty-different-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c81/jack-handey-829_beard_i-ll-be-the-first-to-admit-that-my-idea_878615.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c81/jack-handey-829_beard_i-ll-be-the-first-to-admit-that-my-idea_878615.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c81/jack-handey-829_beard_i-ll-be-the-first-to-admit-that-my-idea_878615.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long white…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it \"dull\" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/many-people-think-that-history-is-a-dull-subject-dull-is-it-dull-that/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92c/jack-handey-829_ants_many-people-think-that-history-is-a-dull_2419946.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92c/jack-handey-829_ants_many-people-think-that-history-is-a-dull_2419946.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/92c/jack-handey-829_ants_many-people-think-that-history-is-a-dull_2419946.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it \"dull\" that Jesse James once got bitten on the…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or something.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-there-was-a-disease-where-you-re-afraid-of-clouds-because-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/09e/jack-handey-829_clouds_i-wish-there-was-a-disease-where-you-re_1172084.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/09e/jack-handey-829_clouds_i-wish-there-was-a-disease-where-you-re_1172084.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/09e/jack-handey-829_clouds_i-wish-there-was-a-disease-where-you-re_1172084.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/here-s-a-good-thing-to-do-if-you-go-to-a-party-and-you-don-t-know/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de4/jack-handey-829_busy_here-s-a-good-thing-to-do-if-you-go-to-a_1333541.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de4/jack-handey-829_busy_here-s-a-good-thing-to-do-if-you-go-to-a_1333541.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/de4/jack-handey-829_busy_here-s-a-good-thing-to-do-if-you-go-to-a_1333541.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/what-am-i-afraid-of-i-ll-tell-you-a-feather-that-s-right-a-feather/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/efb/jack-handey-829_answers_what-am-i-afraid-of-i-ll-tell-you-a-feat_2930787.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/efb/jack-handey-829_answers_what-am-i-afraid-of-i-ll-tell-you-a-feat_2930787.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/efb/jack-handey-829_answers_what-am-i-afraid-of-i-ll-tell-you-a-feat_2930787.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be \"Clark Kent, Dentist,\" because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, \"How's my back tooth?\" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, \"Oh it's okay,\" then the patient would probably say, \"Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?\" and you'd say, \"Aw, get outta here,\" and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a-perfect-secret-identity-would/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/881/jack-handey-829_bills_at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a_16657.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/881/jack-handey-829_bills_at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a_16657.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/881/jack-handey-829_bills_at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a_16657.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be \"Clark Kent, Dentist,\" because…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then \"skinned.\" I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/there-are-many-stages-to-a-man-s-life-in-the-first-stage-he-is-young/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d5c/jack-handey-829_beavers_there-are-many-stages-to-a-man-s-life-in_2147797.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d5c/jack-handey-829_beavers_there-are-many-stages-to-a-man-s-life-in_2147797.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d5c/jack-handey-829_beavers_there-are-many-stages-to-a-man-s-life-in_2147797.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-remember-how-my-great-uncle-jerry-would-sit-on-the-porch-and/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/012/jack-handey-829_boat_i-remember-how-my-great-uncle-jerry-woul_2255961.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/012/jack-handey-829_boat_i-remember-how-my-great-uncle-jerry-woul_2255961.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/012/jack-handey-829_boat_i-remember-how-my-great-uncle-jerry-woul_2255961.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 17, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-i-found-the-skull-in-the-woods-the-first-thing-i-did-was-call/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da1/jack-handey-829_curious_when-i-found-the-skull-in-the-woods-the_513961.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da1/jack-handey-829_curious_when-i-found-the-skull-in-the-woods-the_513961.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/da1/jack-handey-829_curious_when-i-found-the-skull-in-the-woods-the_513961.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn't that better?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-ever-feel-like-you-re-on-the-verge-of-a-nervous-breakdown-just/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b8a/jack-handey-829_anxiety_if-you-ever-feel-like-you-re-on-the-verg_2805874.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b8a/jack-handey-829_anxiety_if-you-ever-feel-like-you-re-on-the-verg_2805874.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b8a/jack-handey-829_anxiety_if-you-ever-feel-like-you-re-on-the-verg_2805874.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth?", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/isn-t-it-funny-how-whenever-we-go-to-a-county-fair-or-a-state-fair/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f54/jack-handey-829_county_isn-t-it-funny-how-whenever-we-go-to-a-c_2578844.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f54/jack-handey-829_county_isn-t-it-funny-how-whenever-we-go-to-a-c_2578844.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f54/jack-handey-829_county_isn-t-it-funny-how-whenever-we-go-to-a-c_2578844.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 20, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity 'happen.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-get-invited-to-your-first-orgy-don-t-just-show-up-nude-that-s/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7fa/jack-handey-829_common_if-you-get-invited-to-your-first-orgy-do_1130362.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7fa/jack-handey-829_common_if-you-get-invited-to-your-first-orgy-do_1130362.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7fa/jack-handey-829_common_if-you-get-invited-to-your-first-orgy-do_1130362.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 21, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, \"Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/the-first-thing-was-i-learned-to-forgive-myself-then-i-told-myself-go/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d7/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_the-first-thing-was-i-learned-to-forgive_973256.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d7/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_the-first-thing-was-i-learned-to-forgive_973256.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d7/jack-handey-829_deep-thought_the-first-thing-was-i-learned-to-forgive_973256.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, \"Go ahead and do whatever you want…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 22, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese \"gems\" from burglars.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/something-tells-me-that-the-first-mousetrap-wasn-t-designed-to-catch/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fba/jack-handey-829_cheese_something-tells-me-that-the-first-mouset_1568342.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fba/jack-handey-829_cheese_something-tells-me-that-the-first-mouset_1568342.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fba/jack-handey-829_cheese_something-tells-me-that-the-first-mouset_1568342.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 23, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, \"You know what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand.\" And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are peanuts. Then when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-good-scene-in-a-movie-would-be-where-one-scientist-tells/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d7/jack-handey-829_asylums_i-think-a-good-scene-in-a-movie-would-be_1230770.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d7/jack-handey-829_asylums_i-think-a-good-scene-in-a-movie-would-be_1230770.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2d7/jack-handey-829_asylums_i-think-a-good-scene-in-a-movie-would-be_1230770.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, \"You know what will…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/firsts/jack-handey/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/firsts/jack-handey/", "name": "Firsts Quotes by Jack Handey", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/firsts/jack-handey/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9be/jack-handey-829_angry_it-makes-me-mad-when-people-say-i-turned_3038209.jpg" }, "description": "23 Firsts quotes by Jack Handey. 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