--- title: "6 Department Quotes By Dave Barry" description: "6 Department quotes by Dave Barry. Plus more from Dave Barry and more Department sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/adc/dave-barry-222_bummer_you-should-never-pick-up-a-newspaper-whe_249387.png" --- > [You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/you-should-never-pick-up-a-newspaper-when-you-re-feeling-good-because/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/adc/dave-barry-222_bummer_you-should-never-pick-up-a-newspaper-whe_249387.png) > [The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/the-problem-is-that-we-have-run-out-of-dinosaurs-to-form-oil-with/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f2/dave-barry-222_animal_the-problem-is-that-we-have-run-out-of-d_1271756.jpg) > [Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making average incomes for doing average jobs- bank vice presidents, insurance salesmen,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/look-in-particular-at-the-people-who-like-you-are-making-average/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d89/dave-barry-222_arabia_look-in-particular-at-the-people-who-lik_1464602.png) > [Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/proper-turkey-preparation-is-critical-according-to-the-u-s-department/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d1b/dave-barry-222_agriculture_proper-turkey-preparation-is-critical-ac_1570589.jpg) > [Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/albert-einstein-who-discovered-that-a-tiny-amount-of-mass-is-equal-to/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bad/dave-barry-222_albert-einstein_albert-einstein-who-discovered-that-a-ti_2220885.jpg) > [I don't think the press has done a very good job dealing with government spending.The Defense Department with the $9,500 toilet seat,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/i-don-t-think-the-press-has-done-a-very-good-job-dealing-with/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c12/dave-barry-222_defense_i-don-t-think-the-press-has-done-a-very_2407970.png) ## Other authors on Department ## More by Dave Barry > [This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/this-is-true-virtually-all-edible-substances-and-many-automotive/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/this-ball-was-so-crowded-that-it-took-me-a-trained-professional/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/the-hardest-thing-about-being-a-guy-is-that-women-don-t-accept-that/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/the-ultimate-camping-trip-was-the-lewis-and-clark-expedition/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/although-golf-was-originally-restricted-to-wealthy-overweight/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/entire-new-continent-can-emerge-from-the-ocean-in-the-time-it-takes/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/he-was-distracted-by-a-giggle-and-turned-to-see-a-rare-sight-a-girl/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/the-major-parties-could-conduct-live-human-sacrifices-on-their/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/if-you-look-at-any-list-of-great-modern-writers-such-as-ernest/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/don-t-you-wish-you-had-a-job-like-mine-all-you-have-to-do-is-think-up/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/despite-the-gulf-physical-and-cultural-between-the-united-states-and/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/before-going-on-a-diet-you-should-consult-your-doctor-or-at-least/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [Never trust anything you read in a travel article.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/never-trust-anything-you-read-in-a-travel-article/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/in-the-old-days-it-was-not-called-the-holiday-season-the-christians/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/always-remember-that-if-editors-were-so-damned-smart-they-would-know/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/department/dave-barry/#itemlist", "name": "6 Department Quotes By Dave Barry", "numberOfItems": 6, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk, which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/you-should-never-pick-up-a-newspaper-when-you-re-feeling-good-because/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/adc/dave-barry-222_bummer_you-should-never-pick-up-a-newspaper-whe_249387.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/adc/dave-barry-222_bummer_you-should-never-pick-up-a-newspaper-whe_249387.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/adc/dave-barry-222_bummer_you-should-never-pick-up-a-newspaper-whe_249387.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/the-problem-is-that-we-have-run-out-of-dinosaurs-to-form-oil-with/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f2/dave-barry-222_animal_the-problem-is-that-we-have-run-out-of-d_1271756.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f2/dave-barry-222_animal_the-problem-is-that-we-have-run-out-of-d_1271756.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0f2/dave-barry-222_animal_the-problem-is-that-we-have-run-out-of-d_1271756.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making average incomes for doing average jobs- bank vice presidents, insurance salesmen, auditors, secretaries of defense- and you'll realie they all dress the same way, essentially the way the mannequins in the Sears menswear department dress. Now look at the real successes, the people who make a lot more money than you- Elton John, Captain Kangaroo, anybody from Saudi Arabia, Big Bird, and so on. They all dress funny- and they all succeed.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/look-in-particular-at-the-people-who-like-you-are-making-average/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d89/dave-barry-222_arabia_look-in-particular-at-the-people-who-lik_1464602.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d89/dave-barry-222_arabia_look-in-particular-at-the-people-who-lik_1464602.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d89/dave-barry-222_arabia_look-in-particular-at-the-people-who-lik_1464602.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making average incomes for doing average jobs- bank…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War. This is because turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/proper-turkey-preparation-is-critical-according-to-the-u-s-department/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d1b/dave-barry-222_agriculture_proper-turkey-preparation-is-critical-ac_1570589.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d1b/dave-barry-222_agriculture_proper-turkey-preparation-is-critical-ac_1570589.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d1b/dave-barry-222_agriculture_proper-turkey-preparation-is-critical-ac_1570589.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, 'You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers.'", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/albert-einstein-who-discovered-that-a-tiny-amount-of-mass-is-equal-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bad/dave-barry-222_albert-einstein_albert-einstein-who-discovered-that-a-ti_2220885.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bad/dave-barry-222_albert-einstein_albert-einstein-who-discovered-that-a-ti_2220885.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bad/dave-barry-222_albert-einstein_albert-einstein-who-discovered-that-a-ti_2220885.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I don't think the press has done a very good job dealing with government spending.The Defense Department with the $9,500 toilet seat, that's not the problem anymore. Medicare and Medicaid and Social Security are the problem. That's us. That's our generation. There the press never says a word.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/i-don-t-think-the-press-has-done-a-very-good-job-dealing-with/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c12/dave-barry-222_defense_i-don-t-think-the-press-has-done-a-very_2407970.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c12/dave-barry-222_defense_i-don-t-think-the-press-has-done-a-very_2407970.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c12/dave-barry-222_defense_i-don-t-think-the-press-has-done-a-very_2407970.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I don't think the press has done a very good job dealing with government spending.The Defense Department…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/department/dave-barry/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/department/dave-barry/", "name": "Department Quotes by Dave Barry", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/department/dave-barry/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/adc/dave-barry-222_bummer_you-should-never-pick-up-a-newspaper-whe_249387.png" }, "description": "6 Department quotes by Dave Barry. Plus more from Dave Barry and more Department sayings from other authors.", "breadcrumb": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/department/dave-barry/#breadcrumb" } }, { "@type": "BreadcrumbList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/department/dave-barry/#breadcrumb", "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "name": "Home", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "name": "Quotes", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "name": "Topics", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/categories/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "name": "Department", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/department/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "name": "Dave Barry", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/department/dave-barry/" } ] }, { "@type": "WebSite", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "publisher": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } }, { "@type": "Organization", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "logo": { "@type": "ImageObject", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/themes/sq/assets/icons/icon-512.png", "width": 512, "height": 512 } } ] } ```