---
title: "107 Daily show Quotes by 58 authors"
description: "Browse 107 Daily show quotes by 58 authors. Discover the best Daily show sayings and thoughts."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d57/nish-kumar-11365_always_as-a-kid-who-illegally-streamed-the-dail_1940728.jpg"
---

> [As a kid who illegally streamed 'The Daily Show' it has always been a goal of mine.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nish-kumar/as-a-kid-who-illegally-streamed-the-daily-show-it-has-always-been-a/)

[Nish Kumar](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nish-kumar/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d57/nish-kumar-11365_always_as-a-kid-who-illegally-streamed-the-dail_1940728.jpg)

> [Why should I be feeling tension? It's The Daily Show.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rob-corddry/why-should-i-be-feeling-tension-it-s-the-daily-show/)

[Rob Corddry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rob-corddry/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7b4/rob-corddry-11844_daily_why-should-i-be-feeling-tension-it-s-the_687445.png)

> [I started 'The Daily Show' when I was 22. I was going to class at Long Beach.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jessica-williams/i-started-the-daily-show-when-i-was-22-i-was-going-to-class-at-long/)

[Jessica Williams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jessica-williams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8ea/jessica-williams-4621_beach_i-started-the-daily-show-when-i-was-22-i_638282.jpg)

> ['The Daily Show' was amazing because I learned so much.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jessica-williams/the-daily-show-was-amazing-because-i-learned-so-much/)

[Jessica Williams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jessica-williams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e32/jessica-williams-4621_amazing_the-daily-show-was-amazing-because-i-lea_2676308.jpg)

> ['The Daily Show' forced me out of my comfort zone.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ronny-chieng/the-daily-show-forced-me-out-of-my-comfort-zone/)

[Ronny Chieng](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ronny-chieng/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e21/ronny-chieng-11371_comfort_the-daily-show-forced-me-out-of-my-comfo_783454.jpg)

> [I'm six feet tall. No one realizes that because on 'The Daily Show' I'm usually sitting.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jessica-williams/i-m-six-feet-tall-no-one-realizes-that-because-on-the-daily-show-i-m/)

[Jessica Williams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jessica-williams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7d7/jessica-williams-4621_because_i-m-six-feet-tall-no-one-realizes-that-b_1132541.jpg)

> [When you make 'The Daily Show', it's usually not for a laurel, it's for a dart.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/brian-williams/when-you-make-the-daily-show-it-s-usually-not-for-a-laurel-it-s-for-a/)

[Brian Williams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/brian-williams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2a5/brian-williams-18781_daily_when-you-make-the-daily-show-it-s-usuall_2058409.png)

> [I've watched 'The Daily Show' forever. So being a part of it is surreal.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/michelle-wolf/i-ve-watched-the-daily-show-forever-so-being-a-part-of-it-is-surreal/)

[Michelle Wolf](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/michelle-wolf/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/31f/michelle-wolf-12552_being_i-ve-watched-the-daily-show-forever-so-b_2773617.jpg)

> [Being a correspondent on 'The Daily Show' is some combination of doing a character and doing stand-up. It's a juggling act to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kristen-schaal/being-a-correspondent-on-the-daily-show-is-some-combination-of-doing/)

[Kristen Schaal](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kristen-schaal/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/389/kristen-schaal-9687_act_being-a-correspondent-on-the-daily-show_1167525.png)

> [When I worked on 'The Daily Show,' we had some puppets made of myself, John Oliver, and Jon Stewart. When I left…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wyatt-cenac/when-i-worked-on-the-daily-show-we-had-some-puppets-made-of-myself/)

[Wyatt Cenac](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/wyatt-cenac/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cc6/wyatt-cenac-7700_daily_when-i-worked-on-the-daily-show-we-had-s_327732.jpg)

> [At 'The Daily Show,' we were satirizing a news program. You put somebody in a suit, you put 'em behind a desk,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wyatt-cenac/at-the-daily-show-we-were-satirizing-a-news-program-you-put-somebody/)

[Wyatt Cenac](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/wyatt-cenac/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/02b/wyatt-cenac-7700_authority_at-the-daily-show-we-were-satirizing-a-n_387988.jpg)

> [We're pretty down-to-earth at 'The Daily Show.' Everyone is pretty sane. We don't party crazy.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ronny-chieng/we-re-pretty-down-to-earth-at-the-daily-show-everyone-is-pretty-sane/)

[Ronny Chieng](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ronny-chieng/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9cc/ronny-chieng-11371_crazy_we-re-pretty-down-to-earth-at-the-daily_2903230.jpg)

> [The Daily Show was an incredible training ground for that kind of thing. It was all about discipline and generating material constantly.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ed-helms/the-daily-show-was-an-incredible-training-ground-for-that-kind-of/)

[Ed Helms](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ed-helms/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6fc/ed-helms-4996_daily-show_the-daily-show-was-an-incredible-trainin_1521610.png)

> [My perfect day starts with putting on the teapot. Then I have tea in my favorite 'Golden Girls' mug and watch 'The…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/alaska/my-perfect-day-starts-with-putting-on-the-teapot-then-i-have-tea-in/)

[Alaska](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/alaska/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1b8/alaska-5608_daily_my-perfect-day-starts-with-putting-on-th_1688012.jpg)

> [One thing I never thought I would get to do is end up on 'The Daily Show,' not once, but twice.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/seth-rollins/one-thing-i-never-thought-i-would-get-to-do-is-end-up-on-the-daily/)

[Seth Rollins](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/seth-rollins/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5be/seth-rollins-4522_daily_one-thing-i-never-thought-i-would-get-to_2148585.jpg)

> [When you work at 'The Daily Show,' you have to give 100 percent, or you're gone. The competitiveness and the minds that…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nate-corddry/when-you-work-at-the-daily-show-you-have-to-give-100-percent-or-you/)

[Nate Corddry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nate-corddry/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fd0/nate-corddry-49034_competitiveness_when-you-work-at-the-daily-show-you-have_96863.jpg)

> [The great joy of doing 'The Daily Show' for me is that I get to sit on the fence between cultures. I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/aasif-mandvi/the-great-joy-of-doing-the-daily-show-for-me-is-that-i-get-to-sit-on/)

[Aasif Mandvi](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/aasif-mandvi/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/672/aasif-mandvi-10345_absurdity_the-great-joy-of-doing-the-daily-show-fo_2509459.png)

> [To be sure, the hard-to-come-by interview - the 'get' - isn't an uncommon phenomenon here at 'The Daily Show.' We've had high-profile…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-bleyer/to-be-sure-the-hard-to-come-by-interview-the-get-isn-t-an-uncommon/)

[Kevin Bleyer](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-bleyer/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2c2/kevin-bleyer-28666_authors_to-be-sure-the-hard-to-come-by-interview_2346797.jpg)

> [When I was on KNX I did a lot of television and motion pictures and as you know I did the 'Donna…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/bob-crane/when-i-was-on-knx-i-did-a-lot-of-television-and-motion-pictures-and/)

[Bob Crane](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/bob-crane/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b6a/bob-crane-9846_daily_when-i-was-on-knx-i-did-a-lot-of-televis_1155521.jpg)

> [ The frustration of our \[The Daily\] show is- very much outside any parameters of the media or the government. We don't have… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/the-frustration-of-our-the-daily-show-is-very-much-outside-any/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2cc/jon-stewart-455_access_the-frustration-of-our-the-daily-show-is_3100466.jpg)

> [I wanted to do screenwriting. That's what I went to school for, but my major was overfilled, and when I got 'The…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jessica-williams/i-wanted-to-do-screenwriting-that-s-what-i-went-to-school-for-but-my/)

[Jessica Williams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jessica-williams/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c58/jessica-williams-4621_daily_i-wanted-to-do-screenwriting-that-s-what_197007.jpg)

> [There's very little you could do to prepare to be a correspondent on 'The Daily Show,' because it's not being a journalist,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/steve-carell/there-s-very-little-you-could-do-to-prepare-to-be-a-correspondent-on/)

[Steve Carell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/steve-carell/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3bd/steve-carell-2000_actors_there-s-very-little-you-could-do-to-prep_1403769.jpg)

> [I did a movie a few years back, 'Medicine for Melancholy.' People will come up to me after a set and say,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wyatt-cenac/i-did-a-movie-a-few-years-back-medicine-for-melancholy-people-will/)

[Wyatt Cenac](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/wyatt-cenac/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a97/wyatt-cenac-7700_daily_i-did-a-movie-a-few-years-back-medicine_1121788.jpg)

> [I am a man who used to wear the tights. We traveled the country doing two Shakespeare plays for bored college students…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rob-corddry/i-am-a-man-who-used-to-wear-the-tights-we-traveled-the-country-doing/)

[Rob Corddry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rob-corddry/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5a2/rob-corddry-11844_auditions_i-am-a-man-who-used-to-wear-the-tights-w_1950847.jpg)

> [ I was like, wow, this guy's \[Donald Trump \] going to do well. And I remember people laughed at me. People were… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/trevor-noah/i-was-like-wow-this-guy-s-donald-trump-going-to-do-well-and-i/)

[Trevor Noah](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/trevor-noah/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2b0/trevor-noah-1603_causes_i-was-like-wow-this-guy-s-donald-trump-g_1696351.jpg)

> [I did the Daily Show, and then I did Air America Radio, and I realized that I was lucky enough to have…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/lizz-winstead/i-did-the-daily-show-and-then-i-did-air-america-radio-and-i-realized/)

[Lizz Winstead](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/lizz-winstead/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/501/lizz-winstead-11138_air_i-did-the-daily-show-and-then-i-did-air_1585578.jpg)

> [But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our best to keep you informed of any…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jon-stewart/but-we-are-at-war-and-we-here-at-the-daily-show-will-do-our-best-to/)

[Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jon-stewart/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/670/jon-stewart-455_daily-show_but-we-are-at-war-and-we-here-at-the-dai_1511551.jpg)

> [“Jobs also took a direct interest in where the ads ran. He favored TV shows that fit the sensibility of Apple’s perceived…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/adam-lashinsky/jobs-also-took-a-direct-interest-in-where-the-ads-ran-he-favored-tv/)

[Adam Lashinsky](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/adam-lashinsky/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/403/adam-lashinsky-3927_daily-show_jobs-also-took-a-direct-interest-in-wher_2672065.jpg)

> [ \[I\]n my country, when they would say a man has no sense, they say, such an one has no memory; and when… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/michel-de-montaigne/i-n-my-country-when-they-would-say-a-man-has-no-sense-they-say-such/)

[Michel de Montaigne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/michel-de-montaigne/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ee5/michel-de-montaigne-142_accused_i-n-my-country-when-they-would-say-a-man_2773372.jpg)

> [“Republican or Democrat, this nation's affluent urban and suburban classes understand their bread is buttered on the corporate side. The primary difference…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/joe-bageant/republican-or-democrat-this-nation-s-affluent-urban-and-suburban/)

[Joe Bageant](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/joe-bageant/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/abe/joe-bageant-25954_beach-house_republican-or-democrat-this-nation-s-aff_1062349.jpg)

> [ “Jon Stewart: \[at anchor desk\] The media, of course, must walk a fine line covering this story. With more we turn to… ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/chris-smith/jon-stewart-at-anchor-desk-the-media-of-course-must-walk-a-fine-line/)

[Chris Smith](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/chris-smith/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/041/chris-smith-17487_crawl_jon-stewart-at-anchor-desk-the-media-of_2383666.jpg)

> [Apparently it's cool to watch The Daily Show.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rob-corddry/apparently-it-s-cool-to-watch-the-daily-show/)

[Rob Corddry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rob-corddry/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d10/rob-corddry-11844_apparently_apparently-it-s-cool-to-watch-the-daily_2400118.png)

> ['The Daily Show,' at its core, is the answer to the nightly news.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/larry-wilmore/the-daily-show-at-its-core-is-the-answer-to-the-nightly-news/)

[Larry Wilmore](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/larry-wilmore/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/818/larry-wilmore-3223_answer_the-daily-show-at-its-core-is-the-answer_3019657.png)

> [I get all my U.S. politics from 'The Daily Show.'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/margrethe-vestager/i-get-all-my-u-s-politics-from-the-daily-show/)

[Margrethe Vestager](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/margrethe-vestager/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6a1/margrethe-vestager-11181_daily_i-get-all-my-u-s-politics-from-the-daily_2487206.jpg)

> [Lastly, the ashes left behind, May daily show to move the mind, That to ashes and dust return we must: Then think,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/george-wither/lastly-the-ashes-left-behind-may-daily-show-to-move-the-mind-that-to/)

[George Wither](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/george-wither/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/896/george-wither-41140_ashes_lastly-the-ashes-left-behind-may-daily-s_745611.jpg)

> [I have an iPad and I watch three things: 'The Daily Show,' '60 Minutes,' and 'Meet the Press.'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jesse-eisenberg/i-have-an-ipad-and-i-watch-three-things-the-daily-show-60-minutes-and/)

[Jesse Eisenberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jesse-eisenberg/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3bc/jesse-eisenberg-2642_daily_i-have-an-ipad-and-i-watch-three-things_924492.jpg)

> [Working on The Daily Show, I co-produced all those field segments, and that's another huge thing.I probably did more than 100 field…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ed-helms/working-on-the-daily-show-i-co-produced-all-those-field-segments-and/)

[Ed Helms](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ed-helms/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/536/ed-helms-4996_daily-show_working-on-the-daily-show-i-co-produced_3107232.png)

> [It's the beauty and curse of doing a daily show. Some days you've got nothing to talk about and other days Dick…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-ferguson/it-s-the-beauty-and-curse-of-doing-a-daily-show-some-days-you-ve-got/)

[Craig Ferguson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-ferguson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3ea/craig-ferguson-664_about_it-s-the-beauty-and-curse-of-doing-a-dai_319205.png)

> [I was a fan of "The Daily Show" I watched it,I never imagined being on it, but I figured I would just…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/aasif-mandvi/i-was-a-fan-of-the-daily-show-i-watched-it-i-never-imagined-being-on/)

[Aasif Mandvi](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/aasif-mandvi/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f51/aasif-mandvi-10345_daily-show_i-was-a-fan-of-the-daily-show-i-watched_934362.png)

> [“I don’t think faith is positive, because faith means belief without evidence, and you shouldn’t believe anything without evidence. \["The Daily Show"…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/richard-dawkins/i-don-t-think-faith-is-positive-because-faith-means-belief-without/)

[Richard Dawkins](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/richard-dawkins/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/778/richard-dawkins-115_daily-show_i-don-t-think-faith-is-positive-because_2201944.jpg)

## Top authors on Daily show

- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b013/author-jessica-williams-49423.jpg) Jessica Williams 9 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/daily-show/jessica-williams/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b025/author-wyatt-cenac-96392.jpg) Wyatt Cenac 8 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/daily-show/wyatt-cenac/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b014/author-john-oliver-52038.jpg) John Oliver 6 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/daily-show/john-oliver/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b003/author-alan-lewis-10345.jpg) Aasif Mandvi 6 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/daily-show/aasif-mandvi/)
- [Ronny Chieng 5 quotes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/daily-show/ronny-chieng/)

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                        "text": "When I was on KNX I did a lot of television and motion pictures and as you know I did the 'Donna Reed Show' for two years while I was still a DJ on KNX. In fact when I started 'Hogan's Heroes,' I was still doing my daily show on KNX.",
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                        "text": "The frustration of our [The Daily] show is- very much outside any parameters of the media or the government. We don't have access to these people, we don't have access. We don't go to dinners we don't have cocktail parties. We don't you know, you've seen what happens when one of us ends up at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, it doesn't end well.",
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                        "text": "I wanted to do screenwriting. That's what I went to school for, but my major was overfilled, and when I got 'The Daily Show', I was a semester away from officially starting my major, so I never started that in particular.",
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                        "text": "There's very little you could do to prepare to be a correspondent on 'The Daily Show,' because it's not being a journalist, it's not being an actor. It involves elements of both of those things, but they're not required necessarily as job experience. It's helpful if you know how to improvise, but again, not a requirement.",
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                        "text": "I did a movie a few years back, 'Medicine for Melancholy.' People will come up to me after a set and say, 'I really love that movie. When are you going to do another one?' Or 'I loved you on 'The Daily Show.' Why did you leave?' It's kind of the same as saying, 'I loved you in high school. You should have never left.'",
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                        "text": "I am a man who used to wear the tights. We traveled the country doing two Shakespeare plays for bored college students for about a year. I think I'd probably still be doing it now if I hadn't just randomly decided to go to a sketch group audition. That led to doing improv, which led to the Daily Show. But it was fun while it lasted.",
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                        "text": "I was like, wow, this guy's [Donald Trump ] going to do well. And I remember people laughed at me. People were like, oh, you silly ignorant person who's just come to this world. You clearly shouldn't be at \"The Daily Show\" 'cause you don't know what you're talking about. And I was like, but I don't know. He seems like he connects with people. I can relate to him as a performer. I can see what tools he's using. He's good at riffing. He's good at taking the crowd on a journey. I can see what he's doing.",
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                        "text": "I did the Daily Show, and then I did Air America Radio, and I realized that I was lucky enough to have a job where I could get information to people. But those spaces weren't appropriate to then tell people what to do - they were corporate enterprises. My main job was to be funny, so I was trying to figure out, how can I combine all the things I love - comedy, feminism, calling out bullshit - into a creative space that other creative people would want to join in and help out?",
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                        "text": "But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking...humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we're competing with at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We're about even.",
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                        "text": "“Jobs also took a direct interest in where the ads ran. He favored TV shows that fit the sensibility of Apple’s perceived customer. Modern Family, The Daily Show, and Family Guy were favorites. Smarter reality TV like The Amazing Race was preferred over the more mean-spirited Survivor. Jobs once flew off into a rage when an Apple spot accidentally found its way onto Glenn Beck’s program on the Fox News Channel. Jobs detested Fox News, but he generally didn’t want Apple to advertise on any political talking-head show.”",
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                        "text": "[I]n my country, when they would say a man has no sense, they say, such an one has no memory; and when I complain of the defect of mine, they do not believe me, and reprove me, as though I accused myself for a fool: not discerning the difference betwixt memory and understanding, which is to make matters still worse for me. But they do me wrong; for experience, rather, daily shows us, on the contrary, that a strong memory is commonly coupled with infirm judgment.",
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                        "text": "“Republican or Democrat, this nation's affluent urban and suburban classes understand their bread is buttered on the corporate side. The primary difference between the two parties is that the Republicans pretty much admit that they grasp and even endorse some of the nastiest facts of life in America. Republicans honestly tell the world: \"Listen in on my phone calls, piss-test me until I'm blind, kill and eat all of my neighbors right in front of my eyes, but show me the money! Let me escape with every cent I can kick out of the suckers, the taxpayers, and anybody else I can get a headlock on, legally or otherwise.\" Democrats, in contrast, seem content to catalog the GOP's outrages against the Republic, showing proper indignation while laughing at episodes of The Daily Show. But they stand behind the American brand: imperialism. They \"support our troops,\" though you will be hard put to find any of them who have served alongside them or who would send one of their own kids off to lose an eye or an arm in Iraq. They play the imperial game, maintain their credit ratings, and plan to keep the beach house and the retirement investments if it means sacrificing every damned Lynndie England in West Virginia.”",
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                        "text": "“Jon Stewart: [at anchor desk] The media, of course, must walk a fine line covering this story. With more we turn to Steve Carell in the Daily Show news center. Steve? Steve Carell: [standing in front of a bank of TV monitors] Jon, this is in many ways an unprecedented situation for us. [A blue band with white letters—the “crawl,” or “chyron” in TV lingo—scrolls across the screen, at Carell’s waist level] Crawl: MAJORITY LEADER DASCHLE RECEIVES LETTER CONTAINING ANTHRAX. Steve Carell: On the one hand, we must alert the country to the latest events. Crawl: AL QAEDA VOWS NEW ATTACKS. Steve Carell: And on the other hand, we musn’t cause undue alarm. Crawl: FBI WARNS SOMETHING BAD TO HAPPEN SOMEWHERE SOMETIME. Steve Carell: Scaremongering isn’t the way to go. Crawl: WHITE POWDER FOUND ON DONUT IN ST. LOUIS. Steve Carell: So far the media has in fact shown restraint. Crawl: STORMS BATTER NEW ENGLAND—LINK TO TERRORISM STILL UNDETERMINED. Steve Carell: And I must stress this—there is absolutely no need to panic. Crawl: [picking up speed as it moves left to right] CIA: THAT GUY SITTING ACROSS FROM YOU ON THE BUS LOOKS A LITTLE SHIFTY. Steve Carell: Patience, diligence, and above all, responsibility. Crawl: A FRIEND OF THIS GUY I KNOW CONFIRMS HIS GIRLFRIEND TOLD HIM “THEY’RE PLANNING SOMETHING IN A MALL OR SOMETHING.” Steve Carell: Jon, we have a job to do here, but we also need perspective. Crawl: [accelerating] OH, F—! WHAT WAS THAT SOUND? SERIOUSLY, DID YOU HEAR A SOUND? Steve Carell: And in keeping that perspective— Crawl: “THE HORROR, THE HORROR”—KURTZ. POLL: 91% OF AMERICANS “WANT MOMMY.” Steve Carell: Okay, that was—no, no, no, that was unacceptable. Jon, would you excuse me for a minute? [walks out of frame] Crawl: CHICKEN LITTLE: “THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING!” OH GOD, OH GOD. [Carell confronts technician typing the crawl, beats him up as screen goes snowy] Jon Stewart: We’re having some technical difficulties with the crawl. Ah, Steve Carell is back! Steve Carell: Sorry about that, Jon. As I was saying, we journalists have to make sure that our worst instincts are curbed in the sake of national interest. Crawl: EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE JUST WONDERFUL WITH LOLLIPOPS AND RAINBOWS AND HAPPY FEELINGS FOR EVERYONE. Steve Carell: It’s a unique challenge, but one I think the greatest free press in the world can easily attain. Crawl: BUNNIES ARE CUTE, CUDDLY, AND COMFORTING. Steve Carell: Jon?”",
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