---
title: "23 Comedy Quotes By St. John Morris"
description: "23 Comedy quotes by St. John Morris. Plus more from St. John Morris and more Comedy sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/690/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_your-toaster-s-a-puff-2158140_2158140.jpg"
---

> [“Your toaster’s a puff.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/your-toaster-s-a-puff/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/690/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_your-toaster-s-a-puff-2158140_2158140.jpg)

> [“What have you got in there you little bastard?”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/what-have-you-got-in-there-you-little-bastard/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/272/st-john-morris-25489_bastard_what-have-you-got-in-there-you-little-ba_627398.jpg)

> [“You little prick. It's a whelk...it's a...it's a...dead whelk!”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/you-little-prick-it-s-a-whelk-it-s-a-it-s-a-dead-whelk/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e74/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_you-little-prick-it-s-a-whelk-it-s-a-it_3180083.jpg)

> [“Beetroot Cossins had moved to Kuala Lumpur where she had died of lethargy and pie.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/beetroot-cossins-had-moved-to-kuala-lumpur-where-she-had-died-of/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a09/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_beetroot-cossins-had-moved-to-kuala-lump_2639402.jpg)

> [“A huge meringue with polio who drives everywhere in a beautifully restored Hillman Imp.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/a-huge-meringue-with-polio-who-drives-everywhere-in-a-beautifully/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/684/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_a-huge-meringue-with-polio-who-drives-ev_2908861.jpg)

> [“Had the facial plumage been of a paler hue it would have looked like a pile of horse crap on a winter’s…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/had-the-facial-plumage-been-of-a-paler-hue-it-would-have-looked-like/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ca3/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_had-the-facial-plumage-been-of-a-paler-h_3107821.jpg)

> [“Run. Flee. Fuck off. Vanish from my presence and take the foul stench of your sordid secret with you.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/run-flee-fuck-off-vanish-from-my-presence-and-take-the-foul-stench-of/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8f2/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_run-flee-fuck-off-vanish-from-my-presenc_948884.jpg)

> [“Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/private-benjamin-lives-next-door-but-one-to-bob-cryer-from-the-bill-i/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/978/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_private-benjamin-lives-next-door-but-one_1221103.jpg)

> [“St John had always been a fan of the RS Turbo, mainly due to the colour coded rear spoiler and air vents…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/st-john-had-always-been-a-fan-of-the-rs-turbo-mainly-due-to-the/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/66d/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_st-john-had-always-been-a-fan-of-the-rs_1433944.jpg)

> [“Her protestations were drowned out by the sound of Gordon Honeycomb barfing up aftershock into the kitchenette sink.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/her-protestations-were-drowned-out-by-the-sound-of-gordon-honeycomb/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5ae/st-john-morris-25489_aftershock_her-protestations-were-drowned-out-by-th_2770279.jpg)

> [“There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn’t hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/there-was-arctic-john-a-businessman-from-salisbury-who-doesn-t-hold/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6ce/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_there-was-arctic-john-a-businessman-from_2832435.jpg)

> [“He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/he-had-also-spent-a-day-and-a-half-without-sleep-trying-to-start-an/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cbb/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_he-had-also-spent-a-day-and-a-half-witho_2914381.jpg)

> [“St John had been sitting in the back garden twizzling a pencil, on the end of which a russet deposit was impaled,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/st-john-had-been-sitting-in-the-back-garden-twizzling-a-pencil-on-the/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c9b/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_st-john-had-been-sitting-in-the-back-gar_1410126.jpg)

> [“Oh yeah, well I suddenly realises that she’d only been with my boyfriend at the Co-op Christmas do when I were eighteen.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/oh-yeah-well-i-suddenly-realises-that-she-d-only-been-with-my/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7b6/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_oh-yeah-well-i-suddenly-realises-that-sh_1959366.jpg)

> [“Tobak Davenport, who is a cross between some Sugar Puffs and Lynn Faulds-Wood, was squatting there before being removed by the local…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/tobak-davenport-who-is-a-cross-between-some-sugar-puffs-and-lynn/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/82b/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_tobak-davenport-who-is-a-cross-between-s_2503816.jpg)

> [“The Macedonian Endeavour Channel was screening live coverage of the world series of the Who’s Got the Stupidest Name (WGSN) competition. First…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/the-macedonian-endeavour-channel-was-screening-live-coverage-of-the/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0b3/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_the-macedonian-endeavour-channel-was-scr_2275562.jpg)

> [“Eunice had deposited St John upon the balcony of the first-floor apartment of former Liberal MP, The Rt. Hon. Leonard Cossins, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/eunice-had-deposited-st-john-upon-the-balcony-of-the-first-floor/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b3f/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_eunice-had-deposited-st-john-upon-the-ba_2838181.jpg)

> [“I once went to one of his Virgin Vie parties and had a really good time watching Chas having a paddy whilst…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/i-once-went-to-one-of-his-virgin-vie-parties-and-had-a-really-good/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eac/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_i-once-went-to-one-of-his-virgin-vie-par_2514914.jpg)

> [“Next door but one is Quinlan Broddle, a Viceroy with a fear of gardens. So much so that he sold his garden…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/next-door-but-one-is-quinlan-broddle-a-viceroy-with-a-fear-of-gardens/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e54/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_next-door-but-one-is-quinlan-broddle-a-v_1365781.jpg)

> [“This particular event had been somewhat more raucous than usual as Derek Jameson had just lost an arm wrestle with Ann Diamond.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/this-particular-event-had-been-somewhat-more-raucous-than-usual-as/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/40d/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_this-particular-event-had-been-somewhat_2031278.jpg)

> [“...his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/his-knees-were-held-together-by-the-skin-tight-trousers-which/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2a1/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_his-knees-were-held-together-by-the-skin_3182749.jpg)

> [“Next door to the Bensons is Emmet Frag, a retired pacemaker who is credited with inventing the notion of happiness. He’s currently…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/next-door-to-the-bensons-is-emmet-frag-a-retired-pacemaker-who-is/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/966/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_next-door-to-the-bensons-is-emmet-frag-a_2817883.jpg)

> [“On the other side of St John’s house is a fake egg timer who can’t maintain an erection. He shares the property…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/on-the-other-side-of-st-john-s-house-is-a-fake-egg-timer-who-can-t/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8d3/st-john-morris-25489_comedy_on-the-other-side-of-st-john-s-house-is_1014846.jpg)

## Other authors on Comedy

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- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b006/author-chris-rock-23583.jpg) Chris Rock 58 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/comedy/chris-rock/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b005/author-bo-burnham-18480.jpg) Bo Burnham 56 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/comedy/bo-burnham/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b008/author-demetri-martin-28579.jpg) Demetri Martin 54 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/comedy/demetri-martin/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b005/author-bob-newhart-18652.jpg) Bob Newhart 54 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/comedy/bob-newhart/)
- [Mark Twain 51 quotes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/comedy/mark-twain/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b017/author-mike-birbiglia-67912.jpg) Mike Birbiglia 50 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/comedy/mike-birbiglia/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b015/author-kevin-hart-56813.jpg) Kevin Hart 48 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/comedy/kevin-hart/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b024/author-tracy-morgan-92052.jpg) Tracy Morgan 46 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/comedy/tracy-morgan/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b022/author-steve-martin-87330.jpg) Steve Martin 44 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/comedy/steve-martin/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b004/author-anthony-jeselnik-14109.jpg) Anthony Jeselnik 44 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/comedy/anthony-jeselnik/)
- [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b001/author-louis-c-k-1150.jpg) Louis C. K 43 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/comedy/louis-c-k/)

## More by St. John Morris

> [“What have you got in there you little bastard?”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/what-have-you-got-in-there-you-little-bastard/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

> [“Run. Flee. Fuck off. Vanish from my presence and take the foul stench of your sordid secret with you.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/run-flee-fuck-off-vanish-from-my-presence-and-take-the-foul-stench-of/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

> [“On the other side of St John’s house is a fake egg timer who can’t maintain an erection. He shares the property with a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/on-the-other-side-of-st-john-s-house-is-a-fake-egg-timer-who-can-t/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

> [“Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/private-benjamin-lives-next-door-but-one-to-bob-cryer-from-the-bill-i/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

> [“Next door but one is Quinlan Broddle, a Viceroy with a fear of gardens. So much so that he sold his garden to Virgin…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/next-door-but-one-is-quinlan-broddle-a-viceroy-with-a-fear-of-gardens/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

> [“St John had been sitting in the back garden twizzling a pencil, on the end of which a russet deposit was impaled, which had…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/st-john-had-been-sitting-in-the-back-garden-twizzling-a-pencil-on-the/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

> [“St John had always been a fan of the RS Turbo, mainly due to the colour coded rear spoiler and air vents in the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/st-john-had-always-been-a-fan-of-the-rs-turbo-mainly-due-to-the/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

> [“Oh yeah, well I suddenly realises that she’d only been with my boyfriend at the Co-op Christmas do when I were eighteen. So I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/oh-yeah-well-i-suddenly-realises-that-she-d-only-been-with-my/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

> [“This particular event had been somewhat more raucous than usual as Derek Jameson had just lost an arm wrestle with Ann Diamond. The match…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/this-particular-event-had-been-somewhat-more-raucous-than-usual-as/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

> [“Your toaster’s a puff.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/your-toaster-s-a-puff/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

> [“The Macedonian Endeavour Channel was screening live coverage of the world series of the Who’s Got the Stupidest Name (WGSN) competition. First prize had…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/the-macedonian-endeavour-channel-was-screening-live-coverage-of-the/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

> [“Tobak Davenport, who is a cross between some Sugar Puffs and Lynn Faulds-Wood, was squatting there before being removed by the local constabulary after…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/tobak-davenport-who-is-a-cross-between-some-sugar-puffs-and-lynn/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

> [“I once went to one of his Virgin Vie parties and had a really good time watching Chas having a paddy whilst trying to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/i-once-went-to-one-of-his-virgin-vie-parties-and-had-a-really-good/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

> [“Beetroot Cossins had moved to Kuala Lumpur where she had died of lethargy and pie.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/beetroot-cossins-had-moved-to-kuala-lumpur-where-she-had-died-of/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

> [“Her protestations were drowned out by the sound of Gordon Honeycomb barfing up aftershock into the kitchenette sink.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/st-john-morris/her-protestations-were-drowned-out-by-the-sound-of-gordon-honeycomb/)

[St. John Morris](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/st-john-morris/)

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                        "text": "“Next door but one is Quinlan Broddle, a Viceroy with a fear of gardens. So much so that he sold his garden to Virgin Atlantic and his erstwhile front lawn is now a runway where miniature helicopters and packets of crisps undertake sorties to 1940’s Dresden where they have made several dozen unsuccessful attempts to rescue the Quaker Oats man, who is being held captive by the SS on the basis that his hair looks like ice cream.”",
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                        "text": "“This particular event had been somewhat more raucous than usual as Derek Jameson had just lost an arm wrestle with Ann Diamond. The match was the second semi-final of the morning after Belinda Carlisle had been pipped at the post by Rusty Lee. Carlisle had caused some consternation after, upset at losing and forfeiting the chance to compete for the first prize of a quarter of midget gems, she had spat port in Lee’s handbag. Carlisle had been asked to leave and, after a brief tussle, had been ejected from the building whilst screaming and spitting in Simon Parkin’s face.”",
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                        "text": "“...his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck were shortly to emerge with great force. St John knew that this was likely to prove troublesome. Although his mid-morning bab was usually undertaken in a more perfunctory manner, he would still have been mindful enough to ensure that his trousers were well below the knee before he commenced the disagreeable act, but in his current predicament, he was in no state to dally.”",
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                        "text": "“Next door to the Bensons is Emmet Frag, a retired pacemaker who is credited with inventing the notion of happiness. He’s currently working on a method for categorising ducks based on their singing voice. He’s also the owner of the world’s largest collection of tenor geese.”",
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                        "text": "“On the other side of St John’s house is a fake egg timer who can’t maintain an erection. He shares the property with a glossy beef burger called Tom, who has been painted by a seven year old magistrate in order to be entered for this year’s Miss East Lancashire competition. Next door to them is a Dundee cake with a lisp.”",
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