--- title: "7 Bunch Quotes By Jack Handey" description: "7 Bunch quotes by Jack Handey. Plus more from Jack Handey and more Bunch sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/58b/jack-handey-829_body_my-young-son-asked-me-what-happens-after_593497.jpg" --- > [My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/my-young-son-asked-me-what-happens-after-we-die-i-told-him-we-get/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/58b/jack-handey-829_body_my-young-son-asked-me-what-happens-after_593497.jpg) > [When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-die-if-you-go-somewhere-where-they-ask-you-a-bunch-of/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9bd/jack-handey-829_bunch_when-you-die-if-you-go-somewhere-where-t_781252.jpg) > [Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/despair-is-like-a-cable-that-is-buried-just-under-the-surface-of-the/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/572/jack-handey-829_bigs_despair-is-like-a-cable-that-is-buried-j_966693.jpg) > [If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-a-poor-indian-with-no-weapons-and-a-bunch-of/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f3/jack-handey-829_bunch_if-you-were-a-poor-indian-with-no-weapon_971700.jpg) > [I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-good-novel-would-be-where-a-bunch-of-men-on-a-ship-are/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac2/jack-handey-829_aids_i-think-a-good-novel-would-be-where-a-bu_1290169.jpg) > [If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-re-an-archeologist-i-bet-it-s-real-embarrassing-to-put/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37b/jack-handey-829_ancient_if-you-re-an-archeologist-i-bet-it-s-rea_1787952.jpg) > [I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-have-to-laugh-when-i-think-of-the-first-cigar-because-it-was/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1e0/jack-handey-829_bunch_i-have-to-laugh-when-i-think-of-the-firs_1809562.jpg) ## Other authors on Bunch ## More by Jack Handey > [Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-life-seems-like-a-dream-especially-when-i-look-down-and-see/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-the-best-thanksgiving-we-ever-had-was-one-where-we-didn-t/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/at-first-i-thought-if-i-were-superman-a-perfect-secret-identity-would/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/sometimes-i-wonder-if-i-m-patriotic-enough-yes-i-want-to-kill-people/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-don-t-understand-people-who-say-life-is-a-mystery-because-what-is/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/it-s-probably-not-a-good-idea-to-be-chewing-on-a-toothpick-if-you-re/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/probably-to-a-shark-about-the-funniest-thing-there-is-is-a-wounded/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-wish-i-lived-back-in-the-old-west-days-because-i-d-save-up-my-money/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/why-do-there-have-to-be-rules-for-everything-it-s-gotten-to-the-point/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/most-people-don-t-realize-that-large-pieces-of-coral-which-have-been/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/here-s-a-suggestion-for-a-new-animal-if-some-new-ones-get-created-or/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-ice-skating-try-not-to-swing-your-arms-too-much-because/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/when-you-go-to-a-party-at-somebody-s-house-don-t-automatically-assume/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/he-was-a-cowboy-mister-and-he-loved-the-land-he-loved-it-so-much-he/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) > [If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-a-gladiator-in-olden-days-i-bet-the-inefficiency-of-how/) [Jack Handey](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jack-handey/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bunch/jack-handey/#itemlist", "name": "7 Bunch Quotes By Jack Handey", "numberOfItems": 7, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. 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You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable. Then just walk up to them and go, \"Hey, have you seen Fred?\" And they'll say, \"Fred who?\" And you say, \"Fred of snakes?\" Then cover your ears, because big laughs are coming.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/despair-is-like-a-cable-that-is-buried-just-under-the-surface-of-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/572/jack-handey-829_bigs_despair-is-like-a-cable-that-is-buried-j_966693.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/572/jack-handey-829_bigs_despair-is-like-a-cable-that-is-buried-j_966693.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/572/jack-handey-829_bigs_despair-is-like-a-cable-that-is-buried-j_966693.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. 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So sue me.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/if-you-were-a-poor-indian-with-no-weapons-and-a-bunch-of/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f3/jack-handey-829_bunch_if-you-were-a-poor-indian-with-no-weapon_971700.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f3/jack-handey-829_bunch_if-you-were-a-poor-indian-with-no-weapon_971700.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7f3/jack-handey-829_bunch_if-you-were-a-poor-indian-with-no-weapon_971700.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the…” — Jack Handey", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jack Handey" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jack-handey/i-think-a-good-novel-would-be-where-a-bunch-of-men-on-a-ship-are/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac2/jack-handey-829_aids_i-think-a-good-novel-would-be-where-a-bu_1290169.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac2/jack-handey-829_aids_i-think-a-good-novel-would-be-where-a-bu_1290169.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ac2/jack-handey-829_aids_i-think-a-good-novel-would-be-where-a-bu_1290169.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. 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