--- title: "5 Blokes Quotes By Tim Vine" description: "5 Blokes quotes by Tim Vine. Plus more from Tim Vine and more Blokes sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/161/tim-vine-9978_blokes_i-went-into-a-shop-and-i-said-can-someon_1221886.jpg" --- > [I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/i-went-into-a-shop-and-i-said-can-someone-sell-me-a-kettle-the-bloke/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/161/tim-vine-9978_blokes_i-went-into-a-shop-and-i-said-can-someon_1221886.jpg) > [So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/so-i-met-the-bloke-who-invented-crosswords-today-i-can-t-remember-his/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/626/tim-vine-9978_blokes_so-i-met-the-bloke-who-invented-crosswor_1620179.jpg) > [So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/so-this-bloke-says-to-me-can-i-come-in-your-house-and-talk-about-your/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f4b/tim-vine-9978_blokes_so-this-bloke-says-to-me-can-i-come-in-y_2418485.jpg) > [I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/i-phoned-the-local-ramblers-club-today-and-this-bloke-just-went-on/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/db9/tim-vine-9978_blokes_i-phoned-the-local-ramblers-club-today-a_2905896.jpg) > [I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/i-saw-this-bloke-chatting-up-a-cheetah-he-was-trying-to-pull-a-fast/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/55e/tim-vine-9978_bloke_i-saw-this-bloke-chatting-up-a-cheetah-h_3234155.jpg) ## More by Tim Vine > [If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/if-you-do-weave-one-liners-into-a-story-you-have-to-have-an-overall/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) > [Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/crime-in-multi-storey-car-parks-that-is-wrong-on-so-many-different/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) > [I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/i-d-like-to-start-with-the-chimney-jokes-i-ve-got-a-stack-of-them-the/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) > [My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, ‘Don’t be Sicily’.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/my-friend-told-me-he-was-going-to-a-fancy-dress-party-as-an-italian/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) > [I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/i-was-in-this-restaurant-and-i-asked-for-something-herby-they-gave-me/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) > [So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/so-i-got-home-and-the-phone-was-ringing-i-picked-it-up-and-said-who-s/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) > [My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/my-mate-asked-me-what-do-you-think-of-voluntary-work-i-said-i-wouldn/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) > [So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/so-i-went-to-the-chinese-restaurant-and-this-duck-came-up-to-me-with/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) > [You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/you-see-my-next-door-neighbour-worships-exhaust-pipes-he-s-a-catholic/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) > [Velcro: what a rip-off.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/velcro-what-a-rip-off/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) > [I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/i-m-not-someone-who-gets-to-play-the-o2-and-places-like-that-but-that/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) > [So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/so-i-went-in-to-a-pet-shop-i-said-can-i-buy-a-goldfish-the-guy-said/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) > [People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/people-ask-do-you-make-a-conscious-effort-not-to-swear-if-you-re/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) > [People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/people-think-that-because-of-my-act-that-i-must-have-a-really-busy/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) > [Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/ive-decided-to-sell-my-hoover-well-it-was-just-collecting-dust/) [Tim Vine](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/tim-vine/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/blokes/tim-vine/#itemlist", "name": "5 Blokes Quotes By Tim Vine", "numberOfItems": 5, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I went into a shop and I said, \"Can someone sell me a kettle.\" The bloke said \"Kenwood\" I said, \"Where is he?\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Tim Vine" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/tim-vine/i-went-into-a-shop-and-i-said-can-someone-sell-me-a-kettle-the-bloke/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/161/tim-vine-9978_blokes_i-went-into-a-shop-and-i-said-can-someon_1221886.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/161/tim-vine-9978_blokes_i-went-into-a-shop-and-i-said-can-someon_1221886.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/161/tim-vine-9978_blokes_i-went-into-a-shop-and-i-said-can-someon_1221886.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I went into a shop and I said, \"Can someone sell me a kettle.\" The bloke said \"Kenwood\" I said, \"Where is he?\"” — Tim Vine", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. 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