---
title: "151 Bastard Quotes by 128 authors"
description: "Browse 151 Bastard quotes by 128 authors. Discover the best Bastard sayings and thoughts."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a2b/mira-grant-1141_bastard_you-bastard-my-parents-were-married-2887_2887621.png"
---

> [“You bastard.” “My parents were married.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mira-grant/you-bastard-my-parents-were-married/)

[Mira Grant](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mira-grant/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a2b/mira-grant-1141_bastard_you-bastard-my-parents-were-married-2887_2887621.png)

> [Friendzone is for bastard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/saycekudda/friendzone-is-for-bastard/)

[Saycekudda](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/saycekudda/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/70e/saycekudda-61216_am-a-gangstar_friendzone-is-for-bastard-1554864_1554864.jpg)

> [“Heavenly Bastard in the Sky”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/xiaolu-guo/heavenly-bastard-in-the-sky/)

[Xiaolu Guo](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/xiaolu-guo/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a68/xiaolu-guo-17410_bastard_heavenly-bastard-in-the-sky-2666078_2666078.png)

> [I was a no-good bastard.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jake-lamotta/i-was-a-no-good-bastard/)

[Jake LaMotta](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jake-lamotta/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af0/jake-lamotta-8672_quote_i-was-a-no-good-bastard-1955983_1955983.jpg)

> [“Bastard. Mother-crapping bastard.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/samantha-towle/bastard-mother-crapping-bastard/)

[Samantha Towle](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/samantha-towle/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/47e/samantha-towle-2502_bastard_bastard-mother-crapping-bastard-289721_289721.jpg)

> [I hate everyone. Everyone is a bastard](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/romielda-vilandri/i-hate-everyone-everyone-is-a-bastard/)

[Romielda Vilandri](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/romielda-vilandri/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/392/romielda-vilandri-66146_bastard_i-hate-everyone-everyone-is-a-bastard-24_2487221.jpg)

> [Watch the birdie, you bastard...](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/james-bond/watch-the-birdie-you-bastard/)

[James Bond](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/james-bond/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eac/james-bond-11150_bastard_watch-the-birdie-you-bastard-460547_460547.jpg)

> [I know I'm a bastard, I'm not a coward](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/framing-hanley/i-know-i-m-a-bastard-i-m-not-a-coward/)

[Framing Hanley](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/framing-hanley/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e47/framing-hanley-20614_quote_i-know-i-m-a-bastard-i-m-not-a-coward-10_1011259.jpg)

> [“I'll pour Drāno on your grave, you sick bastard.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/douglas-coupland/i-ll-pour-dr-no-on-your-grave-you-sick-bastard/)

[Douglas Coupland](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/douglas-coupland/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/033/douglas-coupland-305_quote_i-ll-pour-dr-no-on-your-grave-you-sick-b_1063861.jpg)

> [“James Carstairs! Jem! Where are you, you disloyal bastard?”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/cassandra-clare/james-carstairs-jem-where-are-you-you-disloyal-bastard/)

[Cassandra Clare](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/cassandra-clare/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e97/cassandra-clare-9_humor_james-carstairs-jem-where-are-you-you-di_960299.jpg)

> [(-\_¢)à fuck off you bastard no one gives 2 shitz bout u](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anonymous/fuck-off-you-bastard-no-one-gives-2-shitz-bout-u/)

[Anonymous](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anonymous/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/48e/anonymous-1_bastard_fuck-off-you-bastard-no-one-gives-2-shit_3011714.jpg)

> [“Duc?' The boy leaned against a twisted willow tree. 'Or bastard?”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/becca-fitzpatrick/duc-the-boy-leaned-against-a-twisted-willow-tree-or-bastard/)

[Becca Fitzpatrick](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/becca-fitzpatrick/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/609/becca-fitzpatrick-321_bastard_duc-the-boy-leaned-against-a-twisted-wil_398472.png)

> [“I wish I’d never met the bastard known as destiny.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jessica-sorensen/i-wish-i-d-never-met-the-bastard-known-as-destiny/)

[Jessica Sorensen](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jessica-sorensen/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/25b/jessica-sorensen-1288_bastard_i-wish-i-d-never-met-the-bastard-known-a_1391494.png)

> [“Give me her damn address, you sadistic bastard.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/cherise-sinclair/give-me-her-damn-address-you-sadistic-bastard/)

[Cherise Sinclair](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/cherise-sinclair/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/73d/cherise-sinclair-2323_bastard_give-me-her-damn-address-you-sadistic-ba_3141527.jpg)

> [“I doona need drugs. I am naturally a mean bastard.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kerrelyn-sparks/i-doona-need-drugs-i-am-naturally-a-mean-bastard/)

[Kerrelyn Sparks](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kerrelyn-sparks/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/578/kerrelyn-sparks-3356_angus_i-doona-need-drugs-i-am-naturally-a-mean_1850305.jpg)

> [I'm quite a ruthless, cold-hearted bastard. I always have been.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/carl-froch/i-m-quite-a-ruthless-cold-hearted-bastard-i-always-have-been/)

[Carl Froch](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/carl-froch/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a0a/carl-froch-3509_always_i-m-quite-a-ruthless-cold-hearted-bastar_608275.png)

> [“What do you want from me, Snow?" "Nothing," he says. And he means it, the actual bastard.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rainbow-rowell/what-do-you-want-from-me-snow-nothing-he-says-and-he-means-it-the/)

[Rainbow Rowell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rainbow-rowell/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d6a/rainbow-rowell-135_baz-pitch_what-do-you-want-from-me-snow-nothing-he_1538280.jpg)

> [“You may be a manipulative bastard sometimes, but you are our manipulative bastard.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/laurell-k-hamilton/you-may-be-a-manipulative-bastard-sometimes-but-you-are-our/)

[Laurell K. Hamilton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/laurell-k-hamilton/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/af8/laurell-k-hamilton-199_bastard_you-may-be-a-manipulative-bastard-someti_1567456.png)

> [“The bastard—no other name was necessary, from now on the man formerly known as J.D. would simply be called The Bastard, The…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/julie-james/the-bastard-no-other-name-was-necessary-from-now-on-the-man-formerly/)

[Julie James](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/julie-james/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/656/julie-james-844_bastard_the-bastard-no-other-name-was-necessary_1770976.jpg)

> [“You want to change the world? Now is your chance! Go show this bastard what you are made of!”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wesley-chu/you-want-to-change-the-world-now-is-your-chance-go-show-this-bastard/)

[Wesley Chu](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/wesley-chu/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3ab/wesley-chu-24464_bastard_you-want-to-change-the-world-now-is-your_191000.jpg)

> [“I just can’t believe that life would give us to each other,’ he said, ‘and then take it back.’ ‘I can,’ she…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rainbow-rowell/i-just-can-t-believe-that-life-would-give-us-to-each-other-he-said/)

[Rainbow Rowell](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rainbow-rowell/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/17f/rainbow-rowell-135_life_i-just-can-t-believe-that-life-would-giv_851741.jpg)

> [“I’m a bastard but even I don’t kill my own people, unless it’s absolutely necessary.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/ilona-andrews/i-m-a-bastard-but-even-i-don-t-kill-my-own-people-unless-it-s/)

[Ilona Andrews](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/ilona-andrews/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3cc/ilona-andrews-150_bastard_i-m-a-bastard-but-even-i-don-t-kill-my-o_1408433.png)

> [“You bastard, he thought, almost affectionately, watching the minuscule protoplasm fluttering on the slide. You dirty little bastard.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/richard-matheson/you-bastard-he-thought-almost-affectionately-watching-the-minuscule/)

[Richard Matheson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/richard-matheson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2a3/richard-matheson-3375_bastard_you-bastard-he-thought-almost-affectiona_3235001.png)

> [“It's just Mor, you know. Amren is the only person in this court who calls me Morrigan, and that's because she's a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sarah-j-maas/it-s-just-mor-you-know-amren-is-the-only-person-in-this-court-who/)

[Sarah J. Maas](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sarah-j-maas/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/08d/sarah-j-maas-58_a-court-of-silver-fl_it-s-just-mor-you-know-amren-is-the-only_1885299.png)

> [“I know I don’t deserve this,” he says roughly, “but I’m going to be a selfish bastard and take it. Because I’ve…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/k-c-lynn/i-know-i-don-t-deserve-this-he-says-roughly-but-i-m-going-to-be-a/)

[K.C. Lynn](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/k-c-lynn/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ca8/k-c-lynn-38571_bastard_i-know-i-don-t-deserve-this-he-says-roug_53036.jpg)

> [Here's the deal with 'Bastard.' I loved that show, and for me, it was such a palate cleanser, going from writing urban…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kurt-sutter/here-s-the-deal-with-bastard-i-loved-that-show-and-for-me-it-was-such/)

[Kurt Sutter](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kurt-sutter/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8cf/kurt-sutter-12447_history_here-s-the-deal-with-bastard-i-loved-tha_1566820.jpg)

> [“I didn’t say Tvlakv isn’t a bastard. He’s just a likable bastard.” He hesitated, then grimaced. “Those are the worst kind. When…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/brandon-sanderson/i-didn-t-say-tvlakv-isn-t-a-bastard-he-s-just-a-likable-bastard-he/)

[Brandon Sanderson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/brandon-sanderson/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cf0/brandon-sanderson-112_feeling-guilty_i-didn-t-say-tvlakv-isn-t-a-bastard-he-s_1190556.jpg)

> [“I...um...started slow, a little here and there, gradually increasing..." Holy shit! "You didn't!" Lucky ping-ponged between outrage and elation. "Yeah, I did.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eden-winters/i-um-started-slow-a-little-here-and-there-gradually-increasing-holy/)

[Eden Winters](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eden-winters/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e8/eden-winters-40630_quote_i-um-started-slow-a-little-here-and-ther_1346063.jpg)

> [“Oi didn't loike that bloke, Captain. Bastard, 'e were, but Oi s'pose rules is for them yer don't loike. Yer won't 'urt…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/anne-perry/oi-didn-t-loike-that-bloke-captain-bastard-e-were-but-oi-s-pose-rules/)

[Anne Perry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/anne-perry/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/52b/anne-perry-6912_wrong-way_oi-didn-t-loike-that-bloke-captain-basta_1982490.jpg)

> [“But when she finally says something, I know which part struck her the hardest. It’s the part that makes me look like…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/m-leighton/but-when-she-finally-says-something-i-know-which-part-struck-her-the/)

[M. Leighton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/m-leighton/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/10b/m-leighton-786_quote_but-when-she-finally-says-something-i-kn_1280351.jpg)

> [“You’re one cruel bastard,” she managed to get out. He tsked with his tongue. “Everyone says that.” Then he took hold of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dianna-hardy/you-re-one-cruel-bastard-she-managed-to-get-out-he-tsked-with-his/)

[Dianna Hardy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dianna-hardy/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cc9/dianna-hardy-9100_bastard_you-re-one-cruel-bastard-she-managed-to_170059.jpg)

> [“I’m lucky yes I am don’t argue I’m the luckiest bastard in the world. And: how wonderful it was to have before…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/salman-rushdie/i-m-lucky-yes-i-am-don-t-argue-i-m-the-luckiest-bastard-in-the-world/)

[Salman Rushdie](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/salman-rushdie/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c60/salman-rushdie-153_bastard_i-m-lucky-yes-i-am-don-t-argue-i-m-the-l_390934.jpg)

> [Look Closer... Do you see any fucking rainbows and puppies here? The Jester sleeps, Poor bastard. I am he, More or Less.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/eric-nickel/look-closer-do-you-see-any-fucking-rainbows-and-puppies-here-the/)

[Eric Nickel](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/eric-nickel/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/eb9/eric-nickel-934_balance_look-closer-do-you-see-any-fucking-rainb_695864.jpg)

> [“May I see your dance card?” “Don’t you believe me?” She presented it to him with a flourish. He ran his fingers…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/julie-anne-long/may-i-see-your-dance-card-don-t-you-believe-me-she-presented-it-to/)

[Julie Anne Long](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/julie-anne-long/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6eb/julie-anne-long-3275_dance_may-i-see-your-dance-card-don-t-you-beli_1628413.jpg)

> [“You going to finish beating yourself up soon? Because I've got a lot of work to catch up on, seeing as I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/nora-roberts/you-going-to-finish-beating-yourself-up-soon-because-i-ve-got-a-lot/)

[Nora Roberts](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/nora-roberts/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d72/nora-roberts-128_quote_you-going-to-finish-beating-yourself-up_333897.jpg)

> [“Marriage meant jointures and pin money and siring an heir to continue the dynasty. A cottage meant just him and Maria. What…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/sabrina-jeffries/marriage-meant-jointures-and-pin-money-and-siring-an-heir-to-continue/)

[Sabrina Jeffries](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/sabrina-jeffries/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fda/sabrina-jeffries-1064_bastard_marriage-meant-jointures-and-pin-money-a_3103828.jpg)

> [“Julia", I answered breathlessly. "Chloe, are you in the bathroom fucking that nice slice of man cake?" "I'll be there in a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christina-lauren/julia-i-answered-breathlessly-chloe-are-you-in-the-bathroom-fucking/)

[Christina Lauren](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christina-lauren/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c08/christina-lauren-976_bastard_julia-i-answered-breathlessly-chloe-are_1300539.jpg)

> [“In another Christmas story, Dale Pearson, evil developer, self-absorbed woman hater, and seemingly unredeemable curmudgeon, might be visited in the night by…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/christopher-moore/in-another-christmas-story-dale-pearson-evil-developer-self-absorbed/)

[Christopher Moore](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/christopher-moore/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/21b/christopher-moore-353_bastard_in-another-christmas-story-dale-pearson_101353.jpg)

> [“The window rattles without you, you bastard. The trees are the cause, rattling in the wind, you jerk, the wind scraping those…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/daniel-handler/the-window-rattles-without-you-you-bastard-the-trees-are-the-cause/)

[Daniel Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/daniel-handler/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dc7/daniel-handler-1043_bastard_the-window-rattles-without-you-you-basta_2358830.jpg)

> [“Did you ever want to set someone's head on fire, just to see what it looked like? Did you ever stand in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/warren-ellis/did-you-ever-want-to-set-someone-s-head-on-fire-just-to-see-what-it/)

[Warren Ellis](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/warren-ellis/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/faa/warren-ellis-2541_bastard_did-you-ever-want-to-set-someone-s-head_1092669.jpg)

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                        "text": "“I’m a bastard but even I don’t kill my own people, unless it’s absolutely necessary.”",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "“You bastard, he thought, almost affectionately, watching the minuscule protoplasm fluttering on the slide. You dirty little bastard.”",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "“It's just Mor, you know. Amren is the only person in this court who calls me Morrigan, and that's because she's a cranky old bastard.”",
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                        "text": "“I know I don’t deserve this,” he says roughly, “but I’m going to be a selfish bastard and take it. Because I’ve been dying to kiss, taste and fuck every inch of you since I found you singing in that field a week ago.”",
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                        "text": "Here's the deal with 'Bastard.' I loved that show, and for me, it was such a palate cleanser, going from writing urban vernacular and crime to, essentially, iambic pentameter. I loved the mythology of that world based on history, but what it came down to was money.",
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                        "text": "“I didn’t say Tvlakv isn’t a bastard. He’s just a likable bastard.” He hesitated, then grimaced. “Those are the worst kind. When you kill them, you end up feeling guilty for it.”",
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                        "text": "“I...um...started slow, a little here and there, gradually increasing...\" Holy shit! \"You didn't!\" Lucky ping-ponged between outrage and elation. \"Yeah, I did. I switched you to decaf...and stevia.\" \"You are such a bastard. A card-carrying, no-holds-barred bastard.”",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "“Oi didn't loike that bloke, Captain. Bastard, 'e were, but Oi s'pose rules is for them yer don't loike. Yer won't 'urt them as yer do. In't that what God's about, been fair to them as rubs your coat all the wrong way?”",
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                            "@type": "Person",
                            "name": "Anne Perry"
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "“But when she finally says something, I know which part struck her the hardest. It’s the part that makes me look like the bastard most people have always thought me to be.”",
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                        "text": "“You’re one cruel bastard,” she managed to get out. He tsked with his tongue. “Everyone says that.” Then he took hold of her chin and locked his gaze with hers. “Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind – you know that. And sometimes, it takes a bastard to see it through.”",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "“I’m lucky yes I am don’t argue I’m the luckiest bastard in the world. And: how wonderful it was to have before him the stretching, shady avenue of years, the prospect of growing old in the presence of her gentleness.”",
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                            "@type": "Person",
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                        "@type": "Quotation",
                        "text": "Look Closer... Do you see any fucking rainbows and puppies here? The Jester sleeps, Poor bastard. I am he, More or Less. Seeing, Seething, for a time, from these eyes, That long to devour the World. I am the Dark, The Festering, The Rot. I am the Cold, Heartless, Determined. As he, Longs to sing, I, Scream. His the gentle touch, Mine, claws deep. The giggle, And nothingness. I know not, How he holds me back, For if he slips, For just one moment, He is mine, And the World, Will know my Symphony, And Despair.",
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                            "caption": "“Look Closer... Do you see any fucking rainbows and puppies here? The Jester sleeps, Poor bastard. I am he…” — Eric Nickel",
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                        "text": "“May I see your dance card?” “Don’t you believe me?” She presented it to him with a flourish. He ran his fingers down the list of names. “Hmm . . . Waterburn? Bastard. D’Andre. Definitely a worthless bastard. Lord Camber, a thoroughgoing bastard. Lord Michaelson? Bastard. Peter Cheswick? Bast—” She snatched it from him, laughing. “I wouldn’t dance a waltz with you, anyway, Lord Dryden.” “No?” “You might accidentally lock eyes with Lisbeth Redmond, stumble, and fling me across the room to avoid crushing my feet.”",
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                        "text": "“You going to finish beating yourself up soon? Because I've got a lot of work to catch up on, seeing as I had to go to Italy to help wipe your blood off the street. You getting yourself shot really put a crimp in my schedule.\" David turned back toward Tyler. \"Did you use that same tone when you suggested that fucker DeMorney get an X ray?\" \"Probably. It's the one I use when somebody's being annoyingly stupid.\" The raw edges in David's stomach smoothed away, and the first glint of humor sparked into his eyes. \"I'd take a swing at you over that, but you're bigger than me.\" \"Younger, too.\" \"Bastard. Now that I think of it, I could take you down, but I'll give you a break because Sophia's heading this way. I'd hate for her to have to watch her future stepfather kick your ass.\" \"In your dreams.\" \"I'm going to go sulk in the caves.\" He started off, pausing as he passed Tyler. \"Thanks”",
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                        "text": "“Marriage meant jointures and pin money and siring an heir to continue the dynasty. A cottage meant just him and Maria. What a fool he was. Even a woman with Maria’s low connections wanted more. And he couldn’t give it. The very thought of attempting it made him ill, because he could never make her happy. He would muck it up, and the legacy of misery would go on. But he’d be damned if he’d watch her throw herself away on that fool Hyatt. She deserved better than an indifferent fiancé who had no clue how to make her eyes darken in passion as she shuddered and trembled and gave her mouth so sweetly… He groaned. He shouldn’t have gone so far with her. It had frightened her. Worse yet, his reaction to it bloody well terrified him-because he’d give a great deal to be able to do it again. He’d never felt that way for any other woman. Freddy was still blathering on, and suddenly a word arrested him. “What was that you said?” Oliver asked. “The beefsteak needed a bit more salt-“ “Before that,” he ground out. “Oh. Right. There was a chap in that club claiming he was your cousin. Mr. Desmond Plumtree, I think.” His stomach sank. When had Desmond gained membership at such a selective club? Did it mean the bastard was finally becoming accepted in society? “Though if you ask me,” Freddy went on, “with family like him, who needs enemies? Insulting fellow. Told me a bunch of nonsense about how you’d killed your father and everybody knew it.” Freddy sniffed. “I told him he was a scurrilous lout, and if he couldn’t see that you were a good sort of chap, then he was as blind as a town crier with a broken lantern. And he didn’t belong in the Blue Swan with all those amiable gents, neither.” For a moment, speech utterly failed Oliver. He could only imagine Desmond’s reaction to that little lecture. “And…er…what did he say?” “He looked surprised, then muttered something about playing cards and trotted off to a card room. Good riddance, too-he was eating up all the macaroons.” Oliver gaped at him, then began to laugh. “What’s so funny?” “You and Maria-don’t you Americans ever pay attention to gossip?” “Well, sure, if it makes sense. But that didn’t make sense. If everybody knew you’d killed your father, you’d have been hanged by now. Since you’re sitting right here, you can’t have done it.” Freddy tapped his forehead. “Simple logic is all.” “Right,” Oliver said. “Simple logic.” A lump caught in his throat. Maria’s defending him was one thing; she was a woman and softhearted, though that had certainly never kept any other woman from gossiping about him. But to have an impressionable pup like Freddy defend him…he didn’t know whether to scoff at the fellow’s naivete or clap him on the shoulder and pronounce him a “good sort of chap” as well.”",
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                        "text": "“Julia\", I answered breathlessly. \"Chloe, are you in the bathroom fucking that nice slice of man cake?\" \"I'll be there in a second, okay?\" I ended the call and shoved the phone back into my bag. I looked up at him, feeling my rational side return after the small interruption. \"I should go.\" \"Look, I-\" He was cut off as my phone rang again. I answered without bothering to look at the screen. \"God, Julia! I’m not in here fucking the piece of man cake!\" \"Chloe?\" Joel's confused voice sounded through the phone. \"Oh... hi.\" Shit. This could not be happening to me.”",
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                        "text": "“In another Christmas story, Dale Pearson, evil developer, self-absorbed woman hater, and seemingly unredeemable curmudgeon, might be visited in the night by a series of ghosts who, by showing him bleak visions of Christmas future, past, and present, would bring about in him a change to generosity, kindness, and a general warmth toward his fellow man. But this is not that kind of Christmas story, so here, in not too many pages, someone is going to dispatch the miserable son of a bitch with a shovel. That's the spirit of Christmas yet to come in these parts. Ho, ho, ho.”",
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                        "text": "“The window rattles without you, you bastard. The trees are the cause, rattling in the wind, you jerk, the wind scraping those leaves and twigs against my window. They'll keep doing this, you terrible husband, and slowly wear away our entire apartment building. I know all these facts about you and there is no longer any use for them. What will I do with your license plate number, and where you hid the key outside so we'd never get locked out of this shaky building? What good does it do me, your pants size and the blue cheese preference for dressing? Who opens the door in the morning now, and takes the newspaper out of the plastic bag when it rains? I'll never get back all the hours I was nice to your parents. I nudge my cherry tomatoes to the side of the plate, bastard, but no one is waiting there with a fork to eat them. I miss you and I love you, bastard bastard bastard, come and clean the onion skins out of the crisper and trim back the tree so I can sleep at night.”",
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                        "text": "“Did you ever want to set someone's head on fire, just to see what it looked like? Did you ever stand in the street and think to yourself, I could make that nun go blind just by giving her a kiss? Did you ever lay out plans for stitching babies and stray cats into a Perfect New Human? Did you ever stand naked surrounded by people who want your gleaming sperm, squirting frankincense, soma and testosterone from every pore? If so, then you're the bastard who stole my drugs Friday night. And I'll find you. Oh, yes.”",
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