--- title: "11 Bartender Quotes By Various" description: "11 Bartender quotes by Various. Plus more from Various and more Bartender sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f04/various-1467_quote_says-bartender-i-d-like-a-gin-and-tonic_1512411.jpg" --- > [“says, "Bartender, I'd like a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and tonic." And the bartender says, "Sure, but what's with the big”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/says-bartender-i-d-like-a-gin-and-tonic-and-the-bartender-says-sure/) Various [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f04/various-1467_quote_says-bartender-i-d-like-a-gin-and-tonic_1512411.jpg) > [“in there," and the first guy says, "Watch." In he goes and orders a beer. "Sorry, you can't bring your dog in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/in-there-and-the-first-guy-says-watch-in-he-goes-and-orders-a-beer/) Various [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9b7/various-1467_bartender_in-there-and-the-first-guy-says-watch-in_3137938.jpg) > [“bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/bartender-walks-into-a-church-a-temple-and-a-mosque-he-has-no-idea/) Various [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5f9/various-1467_quote_bartender-walks-into-a-church-a-temple-a_2035485.jpg) > [“E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/e-flat-walks-into-a-bar-the-bartender-says-sorry-we-don-t-serve-minors/) Various [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bb0/various-1467_bartender_e-flat-walks-into-a-bar-the-bartender-sa_2715443.jpg) > [“Two jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You guys better not start anything in here!”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/two-jumper-cables-walk-into-a-bar-the-bartender-says-you-guys-better/) Various [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/77d/various-1467_bartender_two-jumper-cables-walk-into-a-bar-the-ba_2471327.jpg) > [“TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/tv-installer-walks-into-a-bar-and-orders-a-beer-the-bartender-says/) Various [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a7a/various-1467_bartender_tv-installer-walks-into-a-bar-and-orders_576.jpg) > [“seal. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ A…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/seal-a-bartender-walks-into-a-church-a-temple-and-a-mosque-he-has-no/) Various [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0eb/various-1467_bartender_seal-a-bartender-walks-into-a-church-a-t_57483.jpg) > [“French fry walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey, could I get a beer please?" The bartender looks at…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/french-fry-walks-into-a-bar-and-says-to-the-bartender-hey-could-i-get/) Various [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8ea/various-1467_bartender_french-fry-walks-into-a-bar-and-says-to_3228933.jpg) > [“Julius Caesar walks into a bar. "I'll have a martinus," he says. The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/julius-caesar-walks-into-a-bar-i-ll-have-a-martinus-he-says-the-2/) Various [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c21/various-1467_bartender_julius-caesar-walks-into-a-bar-i-ll-have_2999632.jpg) > [“Club" replies the seal. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/club-replies-the-seal-a-bartender-walks-into-a-church-a-temple-and-a/) Various [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/061/various-1467_bartender_club-replies-the-seal-a-bartender-walks_3164406.jpg) > [“beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not" and poof! he vanishes." ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/beer-descartes-replies-i-think-not-and-poof-he-vanishes-e-flat-walks/) Various [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dcd/various-1467_quote_beer-descartes-replies-i-think-not-and-p_1564820.jpg) ## Other authors on Bartender - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b016/author-marco-rubio-63267.jpg) Marco Rubio 7 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bartender/marco-rubio/) ## More by Various > [“TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/tv-installer-walks-into-a-bar-and-orders-a-beer-the-bartender-says/) Various > [“I'll just have a glass of water.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/i-ll-just-have-a-glass-of-water/) Various > [“Must the Earth forever be arranged like an ocean steamer, with large, luxurious rooms and luxurious food for a select few, and underneath in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/must-the-earth-forever-be-arranged-like-an-ocean-steamer-with-large/) Various > [“God is worming out His and our adversaries, which He will do by little and little, till they be consumed. The covenant is seasonable.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/god-is-worming-out-his-and-our-adversaries-which-he-will-do-by-little/) Various > [“it is no less since this same Confession of Faith was first subscribed and sworn to. And it has been still in use yearly…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/it-is-no-less-since-this-same-confession-of-faith-was-first/) Various > [“sees the Sights, under Perplexing Difficulties. The native borned Gothamite mite have notissed, a short time since, a venerable lookin' ex-Statesman,”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/sees-the-sights-under-perplexing-difficulties-the-native-borned/) Various > [“What do you call a hundred blondes stacked on top of each other? An air mattress.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/what-do-you-call-a-hundred-blondes-stacked-on-top-of-each-other-an/) Various > [“Thou wouldst never have chosen Him, if that loving and gracious God had not chosen thee.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/thou-wouldst-never-have-chosen-him-if-that-loving-and-gracious-god/) Various > [“Behold, and be awakened; behold, and be excited; behold, and be comforted; behold, and admire; behold, and wonder, that the King of heaven's Son…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/behold-and-be-awakened-behold-and-be-excited-behold-and-be-comforted/) Various > [“seal. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ A baseball walks…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/seal-a-bartender-walks-into-a-church-a-temple-and-a-mosque-he-has-no/) Various > [“I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I presume you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/i-ll-give-you-an-example-do-you-own-a-weed-eater-yeah-then-logically/) Various > [Craig Jones: We ain't got no sugar. Smokey: No sugar? Damn. Y'all ain't never got two things that match. Either y'all got Kool-aid, no…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/craig-jones-we-ain-t-got-no-sugar-smokey-no-sugar-damn-y-all-ain-t/) Various > [“I heard that if you play a Windows CD backwards, you'll get a satanic message. But the most frightening thing is that if you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/i-heard-that-if-you-play-a-windows-cd-backwards-you-ll-get-a-satanic/) Various > [“holiness is a privilege, as well as a duty; it is a reward, a benefit to him who walks therein.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/holiness-is-a-privilege-as-well-as-a-duty-it-is-a-reward-a-benefit-to/) Various > [“Music touches our hearts and moves our souls. Music has moods. Music can make us happy, relaxed or exhilarated. Music is sounds and voices…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/music-touches-our-hearts-and-moves-our-souls-music-has-moods-music/) Various ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bartender/various/#itemlist", "name": "11 Bartender Quotes By Various", "numberOfItems": 11, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“says, \"Bartender, I'd like a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and tonic.\" And the bartender says, \"Sure, but what's with the big”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Various" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/says-bartender-i-d-like-a-gin-and-tonic-and-the-bartender-says-sure/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f04/various-1467_quote_says-bartender-i-d-like-a-gin-and-tonic_1512411.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f04/various-1467_quote_says-bartender-i-d-like-a-gin-and-tonic_1512411.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f04/various-1467_quote_says-bartender-i-d-like-a-gin-and-tonic_1512411.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“says, \"Bartender, I'd like a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and tonic.\" And the bartender says…” — Various", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“in there,\" and the first guy says, \"Watch.\" In he goes and orders a beer. \"Sorry, you can't bring your dog in here,\" says the bartender.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Various" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/in-there-and-the-first-guy-says-watch-in-he-goes-and-orders-a-beer/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9b7/various-1467_bartender_in-there-and-the-first-guy-says-watch-in_3137938.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9b7/various-1467_bartender_in-there-and-the-first-guy-says-watch-in_3137938.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/9b7/various-1467_bartender_in-there-and-the-first-guy-says-watch-in_3137938.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“in there,\" and the first guy says, \"Watch.\" In he goes and orders a beer. \"Sorry, you can't bring your dog…” — Various", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. 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He has no idea how jokes work. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ A baseball walks into a bar, and the bartender throws it out. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Various" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/seal-a-bartender-walks-into-a-church-a-temple-and-a-mosque-he-has-no/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0eb/various-1467_bartender_seal-a-bartender-walks-into-a-church-a-t_57483.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0eb/various-1467_bartender_seal-a-bartender-walks-into-a-church-a-t_57483.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0eb/various-1467_bartender_seal-a-bartender-walks-into-a-church-a-t_57483.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“seal. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. 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The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, \"Don't you mean a 'martini'?\" \"Look,\" Caesar retorts, \"If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Various" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/julius-caesar-walks-into-a-bar-i-ll-have-a-martinus-he-says-the-2/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c21/various-1467_bartender_julius-caesar-walks-into-a-bar-i-ll-have_2999632.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c21/various-1467_bartender_julius-caesar-walks-into-a-bar-i-ll-have_2999632.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c21/various-1467_bartender_julius-caesar-walks-into-a-bar-i-ll-have_2999632.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Julius Caesar walks into a bar. \"I'll have a martinus,\" he says. 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The bartender says, \"You'll”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Various" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/club-replies-the-seal-a-bartender-walks-into-a-church-a-temple-and-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/061/various-1467_bartender_club-replies-the-seal-a-bartender-walks_3164406.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/061/various-1467_bartender_club-replies-the-seal-a-bartender-walks_3164406.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/061/various-1467_bartender_club-replies-the-seal-a-bartender-walks_3164406.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Club\" replies the seal. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how…” — Various", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“beer?\" Descartes replies, \"I think not\" and poof! he vanishes.\" ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, \"Sorry, we don't serve minors.\" ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ Jesus Christ walks into a bar and says, \"I'll just have a glass of water.\" ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ Julius Caesar walks into a bar. \"I'll have a martinus,\" he says. The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, \"Don't you mean a 'martini'?\" \"Look,\" Caesar retorts, \"If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!\" ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ The”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Various" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/beer-descartes-replies-i-think-not-and-poof-he-vanishes-e-flat-walks/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dcd/various-1467_quote_beer-descartes-replies-i-think-not-and-p_1564820.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dcd/various-1467_quote_beer-descartes-replies-i-think-not-and-p_1564820.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dcd/various-1467_quote_beer-descartes-replies-i-think-not-and-p_1564820.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“beer?\" Descartes replies, \"I think not\" and poof! he vanishes.\" ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ E-flat walks into a bar. The…” — Various", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bartender/various/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bartender/various/", "name": "Bartender Quotes by Various", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bartender/various/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f04/various-1467_quote_says-bartender-i-d-like-a-gin-and-tonic_1512411.jpg" }, "description": "11 Bartender quotes by Various. 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