--- title: "19 Bartender Says Quotes by 10 authors" description: "Browse 19 Bartender Says quotes by 10 authors. Discover the best Bartender Says sayings and thoughts." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f04/various-1467_quote_says-bartender-i-d-like-a-gin-and-tonic_1512411.jpg" --- > [“says, "Bartender, I'd like a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and tonic." And the bartender says, "Sure, but what's with the big”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/says-bartender-i-d-like-a-gin-and-tonic-and-the-bartender-says-sure/) [Various](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/various/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f04/various-1467_quote_says-bartender-i-d-like-a-gin-and-tonic_1512411.jpg) > [A conservative, a liberal, and a moderate walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'Hi, Mitt.'](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/foster-friess/a-conservative-a-liberal-and-a-moderate-walk-into-a-bar-the-bartender/) [Foster Friess](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/foster-friess/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f1/foster-friess-11696_bars_a-conservative-a-liberal-and-a-moderate_789335.png) > [A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a 6 pack of beer under the other.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author-name/a-naked-blonde-walks-into-a-bar-with-a-poodle-under-one-arm-and-a-6/) [Author Name](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/author-name/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e79/author-name-101_bartender_a-naked-blonde-walks-into-a-bar-with-a-p_620267.jpg) > [“E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/e-flat-walks-into-a-bar-the-bartender-says-sorry-we-don-t-serve-minors/) [Various](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/various/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bb0/various-1467_bartender_e-flat-walks-into-a-bar-the-bartender-sa_2715443.jpg) > [“Thomas Edison walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Okay, I'll serve you a beer. Just don't get…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/thomas-edison-walks-into-a-bar-and-orders-a-beer-the-bartender-says/) [Various](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/various/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/c24/various-1467_thomas-edison_thomas-edison-walks-into-a-bar-and-order_865304.jpg) > [“cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/cable-tv-installer-walks-into-a-bar-and-orders-a-beer-the-bartender/) [Various](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/various/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/6b6/various-1467_cable-tv_cable-tv-installer-walks-into-a-bar-and_1464869.jpg) > [“Two jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You guys better not start anything in here!”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/two-jumper-cables-walk-into-a-bar-the-bartender-says-you-guys-better/) [Various](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/various/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/77d/various-1467_bartender_two-jumper-cables-walk-into-a-bar-the-ba_2471327.jpg) > [“TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/tv-installer-walks-into-a-bar-and-orders-a-beer-the-bartender-says/) [Various](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/various/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a7a/various-1467_bartender_tv-installer-walks-into-a-bar-and-orders_576.jpg) > [Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rodney-dangerfield/guy-goes-into-a-bar-with-a-duck-under-his-arm-bartender-says-where-d/) [Rodney Dangerfield](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/rodney-dangerfield/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/091/rodney-dangerfield-755_arms_guy-goes-into-a-bar-with-a-duck-under-hi_357897.jpg) > [It's true though: time moves in its own special way in the middle of the night," the bartender says, loudly striking a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/haruki-murakami/it-s-true-though-time-moves-in-its-own-special-way-in-the-middle-of/) [Haruki Murakami](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/haruki-murakami/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ebd/haruki-murakami-21_bartender_it-s-true-though-time-moves-in-its-own-s_2428810.jpg) > [“A lawyer, a politician, and a prostitute walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.”…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/a-lawyer-a-politician-and-a-prostitute-walk-into-a-bar-and-the/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5a2/jarod-kintz-2_politics_a-lawyer-a-politician-and-a-prostitute-w_1858077.jpg) > [“A Roman centurion walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender says, "Don't you mean a martini?" The centurion answers,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harlan-wolff/a-roman-centurion-walks-into-a-bar-and-orders-a-martinus-the/) [Harlan Wolff](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/harlan-wolff/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/638/harlan-wolff-65755_centurion_a-roman-centurion-walks-into-a-bar-and-o_2561375.jpg) > [Tobin," Mom said disapprovingly. She wasn't a particularly funny person. It suited her professionally - I mean, you don't want your cancer…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-green/tobin-mom-said-disapprovingly-she-wasn-t-a-particularly-funny-person/) [John Green](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-green/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d55/john-green-12_bars_tobin-mom-said-disapprovingly-she-wasn-t_2899956.jpg) > [“Club" replies the seal. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/club-replies-the-seal-a-bartender-walks-into-a-church-a-temple-and-a/) [Various](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/various/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/061/various-1467_bartender_club-replies-the-seal-a-bartender-walks_3164406.jpg) > [“Your mother, my mother, and mother of pearl walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hello, dad, you look more like…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/your-mother-my-mother-and-mother-of-pearl-walk-into-a-bar-and-the/) [Jarod Kintz](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/jarod-kintz/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37e/jarod-kintz-2_french-revolution_your-mother-my-mother-and-mother-of-pear_47386.jpg) > [“beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not" and poof! he vanishes." ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/beer-descartes-replies-i-think-not-and-poof-he-vanishes-e-flat-walks/) [Various](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/various/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dcd/various-1467_quote_beer-descartes-replies-i-think-not-and-p_1564820.jpg) > [“She wasn't a particularly funny person. It suited her professionally - I mean, you don't want your cancer surgeon to walk into…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-green/she-wasn-t-a-particularly-funny-person-it-suited-her-professionally-i/) [John Green](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/john-green/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/be8/john-green-12_cancer_she-wasn-t-a-particularly-funny-person-i_1589406.jpg) > [“An Irishman walks into a pub,” she begins and the bar went silent. “The bartender asks him, ‘What'll you have?’” Her Irish…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/fisher-amelie/an-irishman-walks-into-a-pub-she-begins-and-the-bar-went-silent-the/) [Fisher Amelie](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/fisher-amelie/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f35/fisher-amelie-3261_humorous_an-irishman-walks-into-a-pub-she-begins_2637962.jpg) > [“Ha! Listen, this guy walks into a bar, with a shopping bag, right? He sits down, puts the bag on the bar.…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-alanson/ha-listen-this-guy-walks-into-a-bar-with-a-shopping-bag-right-he-sits/) [Craig Alanson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/craig-alanson/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f1/craig-alanson-17860_bartender_ha-listen-this-guy-walks-into-a-bar-with_3103754.jpg) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bartender-says/#itemlist", "name": "Bartender Says Quotes", "numberOfItems": 19, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“says, \"Bartender, I'd like a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and tonic.\" And the bartender says, \"Sure, but what's with the big”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Various" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/says-bartender-i-d-like-a-gin-and-tonic-and-the-bartender-says-sure/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f04/various-1467_quote_says-bartender-i-d-like-a-gin-and-tonic_1512411.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f04/various-1467_quote_says-bartender-i-d-like-a-gin-and-tonic_1512411.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f04/various-1467_quote_says-bartender-i-d-like-a-gin-and-tonic_1512411.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“says, \"Bartender, I'd like a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and tonic.\" And the bartender says…” — Various", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "A conservative, a liberal, and a moderate walk into a bar. 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The bartender says, \"You guys better not start anything in here!”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Various" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/two-jumper-cables-walk-into-a-bar-the-bartender-says-you-guys-better/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/77d/various-1467_bartender_two-jumper-cables-walk-into-a-bar-the-ba_2471327.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/77d/various-1467_bartender_two-jumper-cables-walk-into-a-bar-the-ba_2471327.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/77d/various-1467_bartender_two-jumper-cables-walk-into-a-bar-the-ba_2471327.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Two jumper cables walk into a bar. 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The bartender says, \"You'll be served sometime between”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Various" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/tv-installer-walks-into-a-bar-and-orders-a-beer-the-bartender-says/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a7a/various-1467_bartender_tv-installer-walks-into-a-bar-and-orders_576.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a7a/various-1467_bartender_tv-installer-walks-into-a-bar-and-orders_576.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a7a/various-1467_bartender_tv-installer-walks-into-a-bar-and-orders_576.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, \"You'll be served sometime between” — Various", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, \"Where'd you get the pig?\" Guy says, \"This is a duck.\" Bartender says, \"I was talking to the duck.\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Rodney Dangerfield" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/rodney-dangerfield/guy-goes-into-a-bar-with-a-duck-under-his-arm-bartender-says-where-d/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/091/rodney-dangerfield-755_arms_guy-goes-into-a-bar-with-a-duck-under-hi_357897.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/091/rodney-dangerfield-755_arms_guy-goes-into-a-bar-with-a-duck-under-hi_357897.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/091/rodney-dangerfield-755_arms_guy-goes-into-a-bar-with-a-duck-under-hi_357897.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, \"Where'd you get the pig?\" Guy says, \"This is…” — Rodney Dangerfield", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "It's true though: time moves in its own special way in the middle of the night,\" the bartender says, loudly striking a book match and lighting a cigarette. \"You can't fight it.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Haruki Murakami" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/haruki-murakami/it-s-true-though-time-moves-in-its-own-special-way-in-the-middle-of/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ebd/haruki-murakami-21_bartender_it-s-true-though-time-moves-in-its-own-s_2428810.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ebd/haruki-murakami-21_bartender_it-s-true-though-time-moves-in-its-own-s_2428810.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/ebd/haruki-murakami-21_bartender_it-s-true-though-time-moves-in-its-own-s_2428810.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“It's true though: time moves in its own special way in the middle of the night,\" the bartender says, loudly…” — Haruki Murakami", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“A lawyer, a politician, and a prostitute walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” And I’d have to agree. Serves them right for being so sleazy.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/a-lawyer-a-politician-and-a-prostitute-walk-into-a-bar-and-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5a2/jarod-kintz-2_politics_a-lawyer-a-politician-and-a-prostitute-w_1858077.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5a2/jarod-kintz-2_politics_a-lawyer-a-politician-and-a-prostitute-w_1858077.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5a2/jarod-kintz-2_politics_a-lawyer-a-politician-and-a-prostitute-w_1858077.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A lawyer, a politician, and a prostitute walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve…” — Jarod Kintz", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“A Roman centurion walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender says, \"Don't you mean a martini?\" The centurion answers, \"If I wanted a double I would have ordered it.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Harlan Wolff" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/harlan-wolff/a-roman-centurion-walks-into-a-bar-and-orders-a-martinus-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/638/harlan-wolff-65755_centurion_a-roman-centurion-walks-into-a-bar-and-o_2561375.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/638/harlan-wolff-65755_centurion_a-roman-centurion-walks-into-a-bar-and-o_2561375.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/638/harlan-wolff-65755_centurion_a-roman-centurion-walks-into-a-bar-and-o_2561375.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“A Roman centurion walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender says, \"Don't you mean a martini?\"…” — Harlan Wolff", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Tobin,\" Mom said disapprovingly. She wasn't a particularly funny person. It suited her professionally - I mean, you don't want your cancer surgeon to walk into the examination room and be like, \"Guy walks into a bar. Bartender says, 'What'll ya have?' And the guy says, 'Whaddya got?' And the bartender says, 'I don't know what I got, but I know what you got: Stage IV melanoma.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Green" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-green/tobin-mom-said-disapprovingly-she-wasn-t-a-particularly-funny-person/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d55/john-green-12_bars_tobin-mom-said-disapprovingly-she-wasn-t_2899956.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d55/john-green-12_bars_tobin-mom-said-disapprovingly-she-wasn-t_2899956.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/d55/john-green-12_bars_tobin-mom-said-disapprovingly-she-wasn-t_2899956.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Tobin,\" Mom said disapprovingly. She wasn't a particularly funny person. It suited her professionally - I…” — John Green", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Club\" replies the seal. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ A baseball walks into a bar, and the bartender throws it out. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ \"A bear walks into a bar and says, \"Bartender, I'd like a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and tonic.\" And the bartender says, \"Sure, but what's with the big pause?\" ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, \"You'll”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Various" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/club-replies-the-seal-a-bartender-walks-into-a-church-a-temple-and-a/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/061/various-1467_bartender_club-replies-the-seal-a-bartender-walks_3164406.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/061/various-1467_bartender_club-replies-the-seal-a-bartender-walks_3164406.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/061/various-1467_bartender_club-replies-the-seal-a-bartender-walks_3164406.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Club\" replies the seal. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how…” — Various", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 15, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Your mother, my mother, and mother of pearl walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hello, dad, you look more like whiskey than I remember. Have you been tanning?” To which all three mothers respond, “The French Revolution was the best thing to ever happen inside a croissant the shape of the Fertile Crescent, with a flaky crust like a politician with dandruff.” Of course, when Orafoura told me this joke, I didn’t laugh, because I don’t like jokes involving politics, religion, or mother of pearl.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Jarod Kintz" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/jarod-kintz/your-mother-my-mother-and-mother-of-pearl-walk-into-a-bar-and-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37e/jarod-kintz-2_french-revolution_your-mother-my-mother-and-mother-of-pear_47386.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37e/jarod-kintz-2_french-revolution_your-mother-my-mother-and-mother-of-pear_47386.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/37e/jarod-kintz-2_french-revolution_your-mother-my-mother-and-mother-of-pear_47386.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Your mother, my mother, and mother of pearl walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hello, dad, you look…” — Jarod Kintz", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 16, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“beer?\" Descartes replies, \"I think not\" and poof! he vanishes.\" ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, \"Sorry, we don't serve minors.\" ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ Jesus Christ walks into a bar and says, \"I'll just have a glass of water.\" ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ Julius Caesar walks into a bar. \"I'll have a martinus,\" he says. The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, \"Don't you mean a 'martini'?\" \"Look,\" Caesar retorts, \"If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!\" ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ The”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Various" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/various/beer-descartes-replies-i-think-not-and-poof-he-vanishes-e-flat-walks/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dcd/various-1467_quote_beer-descartes-replies-i-think-not-and-p_1564820.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dcd/various-1467_quote_beer-descartes-replies-i-think-not-and-p_1564820.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dcd/various-1467_quote_beer-descartes-replies-i-think-not-and-p_1564820.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“beer?\" Descartes replies, \"I think not\" and poof! he vanishes.\" ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ E-flat walks into a bar. The…” — Various", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 17, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“She wasn't a particularly funny person. It suited her professionally - I mean, you don't want your cancer surgeon to walk into the examination room and be like, \"Guy walks into a bar. Bartender says, 'What'll ya have?' And the guy says, 'Whaddaya got?' And the bartender says, 'I don't know what I got, but I know what you got: Stage IV melanoma.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "John Green" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/john-green/she-wasn-t-a-particularly-funny-person-it-suited-her-professionally-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/be8/john-green-12_cancer_she-wasn-t-a-particularly-funny-person-i_1589406.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/be8/john-green-12_cancer_she-wasn-t-a-particularly-funny-person-i_1589406.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/be8/john-green-12_cancer_she-wasn-t-a-particularly-funny-person-i_1589406.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“She wasn't a particularly funny person. It suited her professionally - I mean, you don't want your cancer…” — John Green", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 18, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“An Irishman walks into a pub,” she begins and the bar went silent. “The bartender asks him, ‘What'll you have?’” Her Irish accent was spot on. “The man says, ‘Give me three pints of Guinness, please.’ The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more. “The bartender says, ‘Sir, no need to order as many at a time. I’ll keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh one.’ The man replies, ‘You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, me brothers have three Guinness stouts too, and we're drinking together.’ “The bartender thought this a wonderful tradition and every week the man came in and ordered three beers.” January’s playing and voice became more solemn, dramatic. “But one week, he ordered only two.” The crowd oohed and ahhed. “He slowly drank them,” she continued darkly, “and then ordered two more. The bartender looked at him sadly. ‘Sir, I know your tradition, and, agh, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry for your loss.’ “The man looked on him strangely before it finally dawned on him. ‘Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking.”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Fisher Amelie" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/fisher-amelie/an-irishman-walks-into-a-pub-she-begins-and-the-bar-went-silent-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f35/fisher-amelie-3261_humorous_an-irishman-walks-into-a-pub-she-begins_2637962.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f35/fisher-amelie-3261_humorous_an-irishman-walks-into-a-pub-she-begins_2637962.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f35/fisher-amelie-3261_humorous_an-irishman-walks-into-a-pub-she-begins_2637962.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“An Irishman walks into a pub,” she begins and the bar went silent. “The bartender asks him, ‘What'll you…” — Fisher Amelie", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 19, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“Ha! Listen, this guy walks into a bar, with a shopping bag, right? He sits down, puts the bag on the bar. Something in the bag is moving, and the bartender says ‘Hey, buddy, no animals in here’. You with me, Jones?” “Yah.” “The guy is looking real unhappy, totally down in the dumps, he reaches in the bag. He pulls out a brass lantern, then a small piano, a little stool, and finally a little guy in a tuxedo, about a foot tall. The little guy sits on the stool and starts playing the piano. Playing the piano, right?” “Yah. Got, it.” “Bartender says,” Williams’ grasp on a handhold slipped for a heart-stopping moment before the suit gloves restored their sticky grip. He could see the problem was some sort of fluid leaking from the access hatch above had coated the handhold. He moved his hand to the left to avoid the slippery fluid, and continued climbing down. “Bartender says, ‘That’s amazing, where’d you get him?’ Guy points to the lamp. ‘Magic genie granted me a wish, But he don’t hear so well-’ Before the guy can stop him, the bartender grabs the lamp, rubs it and shouts ‘I want a million bucks!’. POOF! The bar is filled with ducks! Ducks everywhere, under the tables, in the street outside, feathers flying all over the place. The bartender says ‘What the hell?’ So the guy says ‘I told you the genie don’t hear so well. You really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?”", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Craig Alanson" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/craig-alanson/ha-listen-this-guy-walks-into-a-bar-with-a-shopping-bag-right-he-sits/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f1/craig-alanson-17860_bartender_ha-listen-this-guy-walks-into-a-bar-with_3103754.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f1/craig-alanson-17860_bartender_ha-listen-this-guy-walks-into-a-bar-with_3103754.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4f1/craig-alanson-17860_bartender_ha-listen-this-guy-walks-into-a-bar-with_3103754.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Ha! Listen, this guy walks into a bar, with a shopping bag, right? He sits down, puts the bag on the bar…” — Craig Alanson", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bartender-says/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bartender-says/", "name": "Bartender Says Quotes", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bartender-says/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f04/various-1467_quote_says-bartender-i-d-like-a-gin-and-tonic_1512411.jpg" }, "description": "Browse 19 Bartender Says quotes by 10 authors. 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