--- title: "8 Bars Quotes By Mitch Hedberg" description: "8 Bars quotes by Mitch Hedberg. Plus more from Mitch Hedberg and more Bars sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4c3/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_i-like-it-when-you-reach-into-a-vending_369603.png" --- > [I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-it-when-you-reach-into-a-vending-machine-to-grab-your-candy/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4c3/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_i-like-it-when-you-reach-into-a-vending_369603.png) > [I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-get-the-reese-s-candy-bar-you-look-at-that-there-s-an-apostrophe-s/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a26/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_i-get-the-reese-s-candy-bar-you-look-at_622125.jpg) > [I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-at-a-bar-and-this-guy-bumped-into-me-and-he-did-not-apologize/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26a/mitch-hedberg-695_accessories_i-was-at-a-bar-and-this-guy-bumped-into_1448735.png) > [I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-want-to-get-a-vending-machine-with-fun-sized-candy-bars-and-the/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a88/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_i-want-to-get-a-vending-machine-with-fun_1507453.png) > [I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-vending-machines-because-snacks-are-better-when-they-fall-if-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/590/mitch-hedberg-695_achieve_i-like-vending-machines-because-snacks-a_2309635.png) > [Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/cavities-are-made-by-sugar-so-if-you-need-to-dig-a-hole-then-lay-down/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b88/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_cavities-are-made-by-sugar-so-if-you-nee_3021324.png) > [When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/when-you-go-to-a-bar-that-has-a-black-light-everybody-looks-cool/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b4a/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_when-you-go-to-a-bar-that-has-a-black-li_3033527.png) > [The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/the-kit-kat-candy-bar-has-the-name-kit-kat-imprinted-into-the/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b8f/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_the-kit-kat-candy-bar-has-the-name-kit-k_3200868.png) ## Other authors on Bars ## More by Mitch Hedberg > [I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-wear-a-watch-because-i-want-my-arms-to-weigh-the-same-so-if/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/there-was-a-product-on-late-night-tv-that-you-could-attach-to-your/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/imagine-if-you-were-a-drummer-and-you-accidentally-picked-up-two/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-wearing-necklaces-because-it-lets-me-know-when-i-m-upside-down/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-sick-of-soup-of-the-day-man-it-s-time-we-make-a-decision-i-need/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-have-a-friend-who-is-a-juggler-if-i-m-at-his-house-i-don-t-like-to/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-get-the-regular-aids-test-anymore-i-get-the-roundabout-aids/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-don-t-know-how-to-fix-a-car-if-the-car-breaks-down-and-the-gas-tank/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-drank-some-boiling-water-because-i-wanted-to-whistle/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/what-s-a-sesame-seed-grow-into-i-don-t-know-we-never-give-them-a/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-m-an-ice-sculptor-last-night-i-made-a-cube/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-went-to-a-restaurant-with-my-friend-and-he-said-pass-the-salt-i/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-had-a-bag-of-fritos-they-were-texas-grilled-fritos-these-fritos-had/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-bought-a-house-it-s-a-two-bedroom-house-but-i-think-it-s-up-to-me/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) > [Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/mr-pibb-is-a-poor-imitation-of-dr-pepper-dude-didn-t-even-get-his/) [Mitch Hedberg](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/mitch-hedberg/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bars/mitch-hedberg/#itemlist", "name": "8 Bars Quotes By Mitch Hedberg", "numberOfItems": 8, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. \"Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?\" \"That one, and every one on the bottom row!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-it-when-you-reach-into-a-vending-machine-to-grab-your-candy/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4c3/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_i-like-it-when-you-reach-into-a-vending_369603.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4c3/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_i-like-it-when-you-reach-into-a-vending_369603.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4c3/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_i-like-it-when-you-reach-into-a-vending_369603.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, \"Gimme that\", you better hand it over.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-get-the-reese-s-candy-bar-you-look-at-that-there-s-an-apostrophe-s/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a26/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_i-get-the-reese-s-candy-bar-you-look-at_622125.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a26/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_i-get-the-reese-s-candy-bar-you-look-at_622125.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a26/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_i-get-the-reese-s-candy-bar-you-look-at_622125.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, \"Move!\" I thought that was rude, so I said, \"Go to hell!\" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, \"Hey, you got a lot of nerve!\" I said, \"Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!\"", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-was-at-a-bar-and-this-guy-bumped-into-me-and-he-did-not-apologize/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26a/mitch-hedberg-695_accessories_i-was-at-a-bar-and-this-guy-bumped-into_1448735.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26a/mitch-hedberg-695_accessories_i-was-at-a-bar-and-this-guy-bumped-into_1448735.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/26a/mitch-hedberg-695_accessories_i-was-at-a-bar-and-this-guy-bumped-into_1448735.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, \"Move!\" I thought that…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-want-to-get-a-vending-machine-with-fun-sized-candy-bars-and-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a88/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_i-want-to-get-a-vending-machine-with-fun_1507453.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a88/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_i-want-to-get-a-vending-machine-with-fun_1507453.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a88/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_i-want-to-get-a-vending-machine-with-fun_1507453.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/i-like-vending-machines-because-snacks-are-better-when-they-fall-if-i/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/590/mitch-hedberg-695_achieve_i-like-vending-machines-because-snacks-a_2309635.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/590/mitch-hedberg-695_achieve_i-like-vending-machines-because-snacks-a_2309635.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/590/mitch-hedberg-695_achieve_i-like-vending-machines-because-snacks-a_2309635.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 6, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/cavities-are-made-by-sugar-so-if-you-need-to-dig-a-hole-then-lay-down/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b88/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_cavities-are-made-by-sugar-so-if-you-nee_3021324.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b88/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_cavities-are-made-by-sugar-so-if-you-nee_3021324.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b88/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_cavities-are-made-by-sugar-so-if-you-nee_3021324.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 7, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/when-you-go-to-a-bar-that-has-a-black-light-everybody-looks-cool/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b4a/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_when-you-go-to-a-bar-that-has-a-black-li_3033527.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b4a/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_when-you-go-to-a-bar-that-has-a-black-li_3033527.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b4a/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_when-you-go-to-a-bar-that-has-a-black-li_3033527.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 8, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Mitch Hedberg" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/mitch-hedberg/the-kit-kat-candy-bar-has-the-name-kit-kat-imprinted-into-the/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b8f/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_the-kit-kat-candy-bar-has-the-name-kit-k_3200868.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b8f/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_the-kit-kat-candy-bar-has-the-name-kit-k_3200868.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b8f/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_the-kit-kat-candy-bar-has-the-name-kit-k_3200868.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's…” — Mitch Hedberg", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bars/mitch-hedberg/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bars/mitch-hedberg/", "name": "Bars Quotes by Mitch Hedberg", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bars/mitch-hedberg/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/4c3/mitch-hedberg-695_bars_i-like-it-when-you-reach-into-a-vending_369603.png" }, "description": "8 Bars quotes by Mitch Hedberg. Plus more from Mitch Hedberg and more Bars sayings from other authors.", "breadcrumb": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bars/mitch-hedberg/#breadcrumb" } }, { "@type": "BreadcrumbList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bars/mitch-hedberg/#breadcrumb", "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "name": "Home", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "name": "Quotes", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "name": "Topics", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/categories/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 4, "name": "Bars", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bars/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 5, "name": "Mitch Hedberg", "item": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/bars/mitch-hedberg/" } ] }, { "@type": "WebSite", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "publisher": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } }, { "@type": "Organization", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization", "name": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/", "logo": { "@type": "ImageObject", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/themes/sq/assets/icons/icon-512.png", "width": 512, "height": 512 } } ] } ```