--- title: "14 Baby Quotes By Dave Barry" description: "14 Baby quotes by Dave Barry. Plus more from Dave Barry and more Baby sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b13/dave-barry-222_baby_the-method-of-learning-japanese-recommen_66629.png" --- > [The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/the-method-of-learning-japanese-recommended-by-experts-is-to-be-born/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b13/dave-barry-222_baby_the-method-of-learning-japanese-recommen_66629.png) > [If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should -…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/if-you-were-to-open-up-a-baby-s-head-and-i-am-not-for-a-moment/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/e37/dave-barry-222_baby_if-you-were-to-open-up-a-baby-s-head-and_2369675.png) > [You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/you-should-never-say-anything-to-a-woman-that-even-remotely-suggests/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ec/dave-barry-222_baby_you-should-never-say-anything-to-a-woman_1240336.png) > [Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/baby-s-room-should-be-close-enough-to-your-room-so-that-you-can-hear/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dfb/dave-barry-222_baby_baby-s-room-should-be-close-enough-to-yo_1006241.png) > [My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the vaguest idea what you're…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/my-point-here-young-couples-is-that-baby-having-is-extremely-serious/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7a4/dave-barry-222_baby_my-point-here-young-couples-is-that-baby_538254.png) > [Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/babies-and-other-hazards-of-sex-how-to-make-a-tiny-person-in-only-9/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/189/dave-barry-222_babies_babies-and-other-hazards-of-sex-how-to-m_720851.png) > [There's a test they can do to determine a baby's gender ahead of time; I think they insert a tiny photo of…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/there-s-a-test-they-can-do-to-determine-a-baby-s-gender-ahead-of-time/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/16e/dave-barry-222_ahead-of-time_there-s-a-test-they-can-do-to-determine_1157276.png) > [The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/the-best-baby-sitters-of-course-are-the-baby-s-grandparents-you-feel/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8ec/dave-barry-222_baby_the-best-baby-sitters-of-course-are-the_826627.png) > [Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/babies-are-equipped-at-birth-with-a-number-of-instinctive-reflexes/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dbb/dave-barry-222_babies_babies-are-equipped-at-birth-with-a-numb_1658878.png) > [If you're like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/if-you-re-like-most-members-of-the-baby-boom-generation-you-decided/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c2/dave-barry-222_baby_if-you-re-like-most-members-of-the-baby_558327.jpg) > [Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching was an instinctive biological…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/until-i-became-a-parent-i-thought-children-just-naturally-knew-how-to/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f7b/dave-barry-222_airports_until-i-became-a-parent-i-thought-childr_1038078.png) > [Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of the womb, modern babies…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/nobody-is-excused-from-the-excellence-trend-babies-are-not-excused/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e7/dave-barry-222_adults_nobody-is-excused-from-the-excellence-tr_2919417.jpg) > [The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/the-old-system-of-having-a-baby-was-much-better-than-the-new-system/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cf6/dave-barry-222_baby_the-old-system-of-having-a-baby-was-much_765274.png) > [Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say "your…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/today-s-toys-contain-computer-chips-so-they-can-move-and-talk-this/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/34e/dave-barry-222_baby_today-s-toys-contain-computer-chips-so-t_872017.png) ## Other authors on Baby - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b022/author-sherrilyn-kenyon-84925.jpg) Sherrilyn Kenyon 47 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/baby/sherrilyn-kenyon/) - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b016/author-lil-wayne-60291.jpg) Lil Wayne 22 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/baby/lil-wayne/) - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b013/author-jodi-picoult-50321.jpg) Jodi Picoult 20 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/baby/jodi-picoult/) - [Melanie Martinez 17 quotes](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/baby/melanie-martinez/) - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b020/author-rick-riordan-79077.jpg) Rick Riordan 16 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/baby/rick-riordan/) - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b019/author-paul-reiser-74123.jpg) Paul Reiser 16 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/baby/paul-reiser/) - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b008/author-drake-30664.jpg) Drake 16 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/baby/drake/) - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b009/author-erma-bombeck-33764.jpg) Erma Bombeck 14 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/baby/erma-bombeck/) - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b006/author-bruce-springsteen-20092.jpg) Bruce Springsteen 14 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/baby/bruce-springsteen/) - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b004/author-ashanti-15205.jpg) Ashanti 14 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/baby/ashanti/) - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b023/author-tina-fey-91082.jpg) Tina Fey 13 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/baby/tina-fey/) - [ ![](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/wp-content/uploads/sms4s/authors/processed/b001/author-p-j-o-rourke-184.jpg) P. J. O'Rourke 13 quotes ](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/baby/p-j-o-rourke/) ## More by Dave Barry > [This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/this-is-true-virtually-all-edible-substances-and-many-automotive/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/this-ball-was-so-crowded-that-it-took-me-a-trained-professional/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/the-hardest-thing-about-being-a-guy-is-that-women-don-t-accept-that/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/the-ultimate-camping-trip-was-the-lewis-and-clark-expedition/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/although-golf-was-originally-restricted-to-wealthy-overweight/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/entire-new-continent-can-emerge-from-the-ocean-in-the-time-it-takes/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/he-was-distracted-by-a-giggle-and-turned-to-see-a-rare-sight-a-girl/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/the-major-parties-could-conduct-live-human-sacrifices-on-their/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/if-you-look-at-any-list-of-great-modern-writers-such-as-ernest/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/don-t-you-wish-you-had-a-job-like-mine-all-you-have-to-do-is-think-up/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/despite-the-gulf-physical-and-cultural-between-the-united-states-and/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/before-going-on-a-diet-you-should-consult-your-doctor-or-at-least/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [Never trust anything you read in a travel article.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/never-trust-anything-you-read-in-a-travel-article/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/in-the-old-days-it-was-not-called-the-holiday-season-the-christians/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) > [Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/always-remember-that-if-editors-were-so-damned-smart-they-would-know/) [Dave Barry](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/dave-barry/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/baby/dave-barry/#itemlist", "name": "14 Baby Quotes By Dave Barry", "numberOfItems": 14, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. 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"Quotation", "text": "You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/you-should-never-say-anything-to-a-woman-that-even-remotely-suggests/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ec/dave-barry-222_baby_you-should-never-say-anything-to-a-woman_1240336.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ec/dave-barry-222_baby_you-should-never-say-anything-to-a-woman_1240336.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2ec/dave-barry-222_baby_you-should-never-say-anything-to-a-woman_1240336.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": 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You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/the-best-baby-sitters-of-course-are-the-baby-s-grandparents-you-feel/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8ec/dave-barry-222_baby_the-best-baby-sitters-of-course-are-the_826627.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8ec/dave-barry-222_baby_the-best-baby-sitters-of-course-are-the_826627.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8ec/dave-barry-222_baby_the-best-baby-sitters-of-course-are-the_826627.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 9, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it; if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/babies-are-equipped-at-birth-with-a-number-of-instinctive-reflexes/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dbb/dave-barry-222_babies_babies-are-equipped-at-birth-with-a-numb_1658878.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dbb/dave-barry-222_babies_babies-are-equipped-at-birth-with-a-numb_1658878.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dbb/dave-barry-222_babies_babies-are-equipped-at-birth-with-a-numb_1658878.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 10, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "If you're like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to have children. This was inevitable. Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/if-you-re-like-most-members-of-the-baby-boom-generation-you-decided/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c2/dave-barry-222_baby_if-you-re-like-most-members-of-the-baby_558327.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c2/dave-barry-222_baby_if-you-re-like-most-members-of-the-baby_558327.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7c2/dave-barry-222_baby_if-you-re-like-most-members-of-the-baby_558327.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“If you're like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 11, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching was an instinctive biological reflex that all children are born with, like knowing how to operate a remote control or getting high fevers in distant airports.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/until-i-became-a-parent-i-thought-children-just-naturally-knew-how-to/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f7b/dave-barry-222_airports_until-i-became-a-parent-i-thought-childr_1038078.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f7b/dave-barry-222_airports_until-i-became-a-parent-i-thought-childr_1038078.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f7b/dave-barry-222_airports_until-i-became-a-parent-i-thought-childr_1038078.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching was an…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 12, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of the womb, modern babies are exposed to instructional flashcards designed to make them the best babies they can possibly be, so they can get into today's competitive preschools. Your eighties baby sees so many flashcards that he never gets an unobstructed view of his parents' faces. As an adult, he'll carry around a little wallet card that says \"7x9=63,\" because it will remind him of mother.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/nobody-is-excused-from-the-excellence-trend-babies-are-not-excused/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e7/dave-barry-222_adults_nobody-is-excused-from-the-excellence-tr_2919417.jpg", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e7/dave-barry-222_adults_nobody-is-excused-from-the-excellence-tr_2919417.jpg", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8e7/dave-barry-222_adults_nobody-is-excused-from-the-excellence-tr_2919417.jpg", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 13, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/the-old-system-of-having-a-baby-was-much-better-than-the-new-system/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cf6/dave-barry-222_baby_the-old-system-of-having-a-baby-was-much_765274.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cf6/dave-barry-222_baby_the-old-system-of-having-a-baby-was-much_765274.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cf6/dave-barry-222_baby_the-old-system-of-having-a-baby-was-much_765274.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 14, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say \"your child.\" MY child just wants to eat the toys.", "creator": { "@type": "Person", "name": "Dave Barry" }, "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/dave-barry/today-s-toys-contain-computer-chips-so-they-can-move-and-talk-this/", "image": { "@type": "ImageObject", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/34e/dave-barry-222_baby_today-s-toys-contain-computer-chips-so-t_872017.png", "contentUrl": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/34e/dave-barry-222_baby_today-s-toys-contain-computer-chips-so-t_872017.png", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/34e/dave-barry-222_baby_today-s-toys-contain-computer-chips-so-t_872017.png", "width": 1080, "height": 1080, "caption": "“Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child…” — Dave Barry", "creditText": "SMS4Smile Quotes", "creator": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#organization" } } } } ] }, { "@type": "CollectionPage", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/baby/dave-barry/#webpage", "url": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/baby/dave-barry/", "name": "Baby Quotes by Dave Barry", "isPartOf": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/#website" }, "mainEntity": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/baby/dave-barry/#itemlist" }, "primaryImageOfPage": { "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/b13/dave-barry-222_baby_the-method-of-learning-japanese-recommen_66629.png" }, "description": "14 Baby quotes by Dave Barry. 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