--- title: "5 Assholes Quotes By Kevin Hearne" description: "5 Assholes quotes by Kevin Hearne. Plus more from Kevin Hearne and more Assholes sayings from other authors." image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f5d/kevin-hearne-991_quote_the-function-of-assholes-in-the-world-ju_884117.jpg" --- > [“The function of assholes in the world, just like the asshole we all have, is to spread shit around. They are loathsome…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/the-function-of-assholes-in-the-world-just-like-the-asshole-we-all/) [Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/f5d/kevin-hearne-991_quote_the-function-of-assholes-in-the-world-ju_884117.jpg) > [Do Angels have assholes?" Atticus O'Sullivan - Hexed](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/do-angels-have-assholes-atticus-o-sullivan-hexed/) [Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/002/kevin-hearne-991_angel_do-angels-have-assholes-atticus-o-sulliv_1010837.jpg) > [“The function of assholes in the world, just like the asshole we all have, is to spread shit around.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/the-function-of-assholes-in-the-world-just-like-the-asshole-we-all-2/) [Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fc4/kevin-hearne-991_quote_the-function-of-assholes-in-the-world-ju_1496226.jpg) > [“Jesus "...It sounds like these guys would be filed under Assholes Who do Evil Shit in My Name.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/jesus-it-sounds-like-these-guys-would-be-filed-under-assholes-who-do/) [Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/895/kevin-hearne-991_assholes_jesus-it-sounds-like-these-guys-would-be_2775481.jpg) > [“It sounds like these guys would be filed under Assholes Who Do Evil Shit in My Name.” “Jesus. I mean, wow. That’s…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/it-sounds-like-these-guys-would-be-filed-under-assholes-who-do-evil/) [Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) [Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/380/kevin-hearne-991_assholes_it-sounds-like-these-guys-would-be-filed_3177531.jpg) ## Other authors on Assholes ## More by Kevin Hearne > [Whoa. He had ghouls on speed dial. My lawyer kicks so much ass.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/whoa-he-had-ghouls-on-speed-dial-my-lawyer-kicks-so-much-ass/) [Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) > [“I bet it’s a universal truth: You eat your pie or go home.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/i-bet-it-s-a-universal-truth-you-eat-your-pie-or-go-home/) [Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) > [“Like many silly codes of bravery and manliness, the meat of my father’s instruction on how to die well can be distilled to a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/like-many-silly-codes-of-bravery-and-manliness-the-meat-of-my-father/) [Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) > [Wow you need to get some sun.” “Shut up. I'm Irish.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/wow-you-need-to-get-some-sun-shut-up-i-m-irish/) [Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) > [“Hence the reason I encourage you to believe what you wish. The heaven of teh Pastafarians is supposed to have beer volcanoes, which sounds…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/hence-the-reason-i-encourage-you-to-believe-what-you-wish-the-heaven/) [Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) > [Awesome! I'd just bullied Jesus into doing a shot with me. Nobody would ever believe it, but I didn't care. We ordered the insanely…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/awesome-i-d-just-bullied-jesus-into-doing-a-shot-with-me-nobody-would/) [Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) > [“I thought for the longest time that chicken-fried steak was steak that had been fried by specially trained chickens,”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/i-thought-for-the-longest-time-that-chicken-fried-steak-was-steak/) [Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) > [When he said to give him the sword, I don’t think he meant for you to stick it in his guts.](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/when-he-said-to-give-him-the-sword-i-don-t-think-he-meant-for-you-to/) [Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) > [“Oh sweet kraken tits.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/oh-sweet-kraken-tits/) [Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) > [“No. See, when you throw up you're vomiting, but when you throw down you're starting a fight, as in throwing down the gauntlet." "Ohhhh,"…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/no-see-when-you-throw-up-you-re-vomiting-but-when-you-throw-down-you/) [Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) > [“The grin on his face wasn’t the affable, friendly sort; instead, it was the sociopathic rictus of the irretrievably, bug-fuckeringly insane”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/the-grin-on-his-face-wasn-t-the-affable-friendly-sort-instead-it-was/) [Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) > [“What sealed the deal for me was that the cloak wouldn't come off without a generous donation of my tears. Those used to be…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/what-sealed-the-deal-for-me-was-that-the-cloak-wouldn-t-come-off/) [Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) > [On a Creep Scale from Hello Kitty to Cthulhu, I award it a Freddy Krueger. Granuaile MacTiernan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/on-a-creep-scale-from-hello-kitty-to-cthulhu-i-award-it-a-freddy/) [Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) > [“So this means you're spoiling me right?" Can't Help it. You're the best hound ever. Oberon's tail thumped a few times and his mouth…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/so-this-means-you-re-spoiling-me-right-can-t-help-it-you-re-the-best/) [Kevin Hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) > [“Out, out, thou strumpet Fortune!" I cried with all the venom of Charlton Heston. Oberon asked. "It's a Shakespearean word for whore." ”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/kevin-hearne/out-out-thou-strumpet-fortune-i-cried-with-all-the-venom-of-charlton/) [kevin hearne](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/kevin-hearne/) ```json { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "ItemList", "@id": "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/about/assholes/kevin-hearne/#itemlist", "name": "5 Assholes Quotes By Kevin Hearne", "numberOfItems": 5, "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "item": { "@type": "Quotation", "text": "“The function of assholes in the world, just like the asshole we all have, is to spread shit around. 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