---
title: "1 Alarm Goes Quotes By Samantha Irby"
description: "1 Alarm Goes quotes by Samantha Irby. Plus more from Samantha Irby and more Alarm Goes sayings from other authors."
image: "https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27f/samantha-irby-19558_chronic-illness_my-alarm-goes-off-at-5-50-a-m-first-thin_1142866.jpg"
---

> [“My alarm goes off at 5:50 a.m. First thing I do is check to make sure I'm not dead. If I am, in fact, still alive, I usually sob uncontrollably until there's nothing left in my tear ducts but salt…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/samantha-irby/my-alarm-goes-off-at-5-50-a-m-first-thing-i-do-is-check-to-make-sure/)

[Samantha Irby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/samantha-irby/)

[Image](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/27f/samantha-irby-19558_chronic-illness_my-alarm-goes-off-at-5-50-a-m-first-thin_1142866.jpg)

## More by Samantha Irby

> [“but there I was, trying to fit the ocean into a plastic cup as it tossed and turned me in its waves.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/samantha-irby/but-there-i-was-trying-to-fit-the-ocean-into-a-plastic-cup-as-it/)

[Samantha Irby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/samantha-irby/)

> [“Favorite food? Brunch and tacos.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/samantha-irby/favorite-food-brunch-and-tacos/)

[Samantha Irby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/samantha-irby/)

> [“A lot of us are living like this, right? Taking cabs and ordering takeout Thai on payday, then walking the three blocks to work…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/samantha-irby/a-lot-of-us-are-living-like-this-right-taking-cabs-and-ordering/)

[Samantha Irby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/samantha-irby/)

> [“48. Try to think positively. Can’t. Everything is garbage. 49. Stop talking (so much) shit. See above.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/samantha-irby/48-try-to-think-positively-can-t-everything-is-garbage-49-stop/)

[Samantha Irby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/samantha-irby/)

> [“Real love feels less like a throbbing, pulsing animal begging for its freedom and beating against the inside of my chest and more like,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/samantha-irby/real-love-feels-less-like-a-throbbing-pulsing-animal-begging-for-its/)

[Samantha Irby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/samantha-irby/)

> [“You know, what I really need is someone who remembers to rotate this meaty pre-corpse toward the sun every couple of days and tries…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/samantha-irby/you-know-what-i-really-need-is-someone-who-remembers-to-rotate-this/)

[Samantha Irby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/samantha-irby/)

> [“have never—and I mean ever—had a real desire to let otherwise-unaccounted-for money just chill in my bank account unmolested for more than maybe a…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/samantha-irby/have-never-and-i-mean-ever-had-a-real-desire-to-let-otherwise/)

[Samantha Irby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/samantha-irby/)

> [“It's so weird that adults in committed relationships have a problem with something so innocuous as flirting. I would never expect you to walk…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/samantha-irby/it-s-so-weird-that-adults-in-committed-relationships-have-a-problem/)

[Samantha Irby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/samantha-irby/)

> [“I am a negative person by nature, and I typically shy away from anything that requires me to be having visible fun.”](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/samantha-irby/i-am-a-negative-person-by-nature-and-i-typically-shy-away-from/)

[Samantha Irby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/samantha-irby/)

> [“do so much shit I don’t want anyone else to see, or know about, that I never want to have to explain to another…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/samantha-irby/do-so-much-shit-i-don-t-want-anyone-else-to-see-or-know-about-that-i/)

[Samantha Irby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/samantha-irby/)

> [“The Bachelorette proves that men are as petty and vapid and ridiculous as women are made to seem. They’re just better at hiding it,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/samantha-irby/the-bachelorette-proves-that-men-are-as-petty-and-vapid-and/)

[Samantha Irby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/samantha-irby/)

> [“Fuck a budget. I grew up poor and now I have money, so I’m going to spend it on Chanel nail polishes. I don’t…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/samantha-irby/fuck-a-budget-i-grew-up-poor-and-now-i-have-money-so-i-m-going-to/)

[Samantha Irby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/samantha-irby/)

> [“My alarm goes off at 5:50 a.m. First thing I do is check to make sure I'm not dead. If I am, in fact,…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/samantha-irby/my-alarm-goes-off-at-5-50-a-m-first-thing-i-do-is-check-to-make-sure/)

[Samantha Irby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/samantha-irby/)

> [“I learned how to operate under both the physical and emotional weight of unrelenting shame very early. Fat babies are adorable, while fat children…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/samantha-irby/i-learned-how-to-operate-under-both-the-physical-and-emotional-weight/)

[Samantha Irby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/samantha-irby/)

> [“But I’m going to need you to love me on the bus, dude. And first thing in the morning. Also, when I’m drunk and…](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/samantha-irby/but-i-m-going-to-need-you-to-love-me-on-the-bus-dude-and-first-thing/)

[Samantha Irby](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/author/samantha-irby/)

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